Double Update!

 Man, was it good to get home yesterday! As soon as we got in the truck, Judah said, "We should celebrate by getting a muffin."

The official diagnosis was Hyponatremia due to Syndrome of Inappropriate Antidiuretic Hormone Secretion. Yeah. That is a ton of syllables to say he had low sodium because his body was holding onto too much water. Electrolyte issues can get dangerous for Judah quickly, so it was good that I took him in. Had I waited much longer he would have gone into adrenal crisis. We don't know what actually caused his body to hold onto that water, but it was easy to fix, so thank You, Jesus! 

Moving on...

As Judah told Grandma this morning - "Today's the day!" Translation: NO MORE KING GEORGE!

We had a busy morning at Children's that started in the lab. Not fun. Moving right along. To cope with the trauma of the lab, sometimes Judah talks nonstop to whomever we see next. Today's lucky lady was the ultrasound tech. He regaled her with tales of his adventure in the ER and hospital. He told her that he was like Jairus's daughter (the one who couldn't wake up in the Bible). Of course he was more than happy to elaborate. He talked about hospital food being better than any other food, even from home, to which I heartily disagreed, because I am a good cook thank you very much. He told her about his nurse waking him up the morning and not having a very good sleep (False. He slept through ALL vitals!). He talked on and on and on while she listened attentively and did a great job of hiding her giggles. 

All done, ready to move on to the Urologist. 1st things 1st: saying goodbye to dear King George III.

We were pretty excited about that. We said goodbye in 5 languages. We will not miss King George. The renal ultrasound showed no change in the hydronephrosis of his right kidney! Which means having a catheter did nothing for him - good news! So, the bottom line is that, when looking at all of the imaging and tests from May and the scope and catheter from this month, they have determined that Judah has a new baseline of kidney function - a new normal - brought on by the normal progression of his kidney disease. Which is great news! There's nothing that needs to be done! AND surprise, surprise Judah totally GRADUATED from the Urology clinic today!!! Of course he thought we should throw him a grad party with all the food and music and PARTY! I suggested maybe a date with grandma and grandpa this afternoon instead, and he said "EVEN BETTER!" He tacked on a family pool party to the graduation festivities, so July 5th, look out! We are going to celebrate! 

The end result of all of this could not have been better. On top of that, I never even considered praying that God would move him on from Urology. I know that they could come back into the picture at some point, but he's been a frequent flyer of that clinic for 12 years! It just never occurred to me that God was going to do something so much bigger than I was asking for! You guys, we're down to 4 clinics. Just FOUR clinics! God is awesome and His care for Judah is far greater than I can imagine or even think to ask for. 

We can now put this behind us and move forward in maintenance mode. Again. And then pretty soon it will be time to tackle the next thing. But God is already waiting for us there. 

From the 5th Floor: the morning after

Bible next to me, computer on my lap, vanilla latte in hand, and Judah giggling at Office bloopers. All is right in our world again. I realize that is slightly dramatic, but it's really not far from the truth. I have found so much peace and comfort between the pages of my Bible and the keyboard of this computer lately. And coffee. And one of my favorite sounds is Judah's laugh, especially after a rough day. 

He had a good night last night. He woke up all Mr. Personality at 6:20 this morning and has been loving the extra attention! And the hospital food. Weirdo. I love listening to him interact with other adults. I really never know what he might say, how he will answer a question, or which member of the family he'll tell something embarrassing about. So far this morning he told his nurse an embarrassing baby Eli story, told the doctor how bad Ezra smells after football practice, and has told everyone about Puppy Charlie. 

The good news is that there is no indication of some serious underlying something. No signs of infection. No glaring reason for his sodium dip yesterday.  It appears that his endocrine and metabolic complexities just got the best of him. I've learned a couple things that I'll take with me moving forward, so next time I'll hopefully be able to prevent a trip up here. As long as his endo isn't concerned with numbers today we'll be able to go home. 

Now that Judah knows I'm writing in his blog he keeps asking me what I'm saying about him. Haha! And he wanted me to read all the comments from FB. His face lights up and he just grins as he listens. If you all keep cheering him on so well I might have a hard time getting his head through the door! He loves hearing from all his people. But he's getting a little antsy, because I told him as soon as I was done writing he could use my computer to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. 

I continue to log things that I'm thankful for, and it's incredible to experience the feeling of being filled full that comes with that. 

Thank you for praying and cheering Judah on! 

From the 5th Floor

 I haven't written from this vantage point in a long time! We've been out of the ER and hospital stay rhythm for so long, it feels really weird and brand new all over again. But what a great problem to have. 

I don't have much to say at the moment. Although, I think every time I say that I end up going on and on about all the things, so...we'll see. 

Judah is sleeping comfortably for now. The main concern is his unexplained low sodium level right now, so they'll do a finger poke in another 20 or so - he should pass out easily again after that and hopefully sleep right through vitals the rest of the night. 

The fluids and med they pushed through the IV perked him up some. Enough to explain to his nurse why he named his leg bag "King George III" and get hungry. Where else can you get chicken nuggets and fries delivered to your room at 10:30 at night? He practically inhaled that, but then passed out pretty quick. Eating dinner was just a little taxing apparently. 

I was weepy down in the ER when the doc said, "admit". Really sad and disappointed, on top of tired and hungry. It was embarrassing to cry in front of the doctor. Judah's chart outs me as a seasoned mom who knows the ropes. One little overnight should not be a big deal. Get it together, lady! (Thanks to the Office Ladies podcast I now call everyone lady.) I knew in my head that I wanted to handle this differently. No, we have not been here for a long time and it feels a little like starting something unpleasant all over again. However, I decided that I wanted to experience thankfulness and light. So, clearly something needed to change. 

Here's the deal: God totally started showing me all these little things that I could be grateful for. He just...showed up. Carried me. Comforted me. It's hard to explain. It's not like I did anything super spiritual. He really just provided exactly what my heart needed - little things every few moments to carry me through - and gave me eyes to recognize it. And through that He calmed my spirit. 

So, here are just a few things that I'm thankful for:

Child Life Specialists

Fuzzy blankets from Grandma's house

A son with a tender heart 

A daughter who packs an overnight bag as if she crawled inside my head and knew all the things I would need AND all the things I would love, but wouldn't have actually packed for myself

A granny that delivers

Quiet

A room with a view

A male nurse 

My Bible on the windowsill next to me

Ridiculously large avocado blankets

Rest for Judah

Community

OK, I'm tired. Vitals and finger poke and morning will be here before I know it. And then Judah will be up and asking for breakfast. Because for some reason, hospital breakfast is magical and marvelous to him. No idea. But I love that he loves the little things, too.

Yeah, that was definitely more than I thought I had to say. 

Well, at least I'm consistent. 

Snagsville

 So we’ve hit a snag. Maybe. I don’t officially know yet. 

Judah has been lethargic and sleeping all day. When he fell back to sleep this morning after 7:30 I thought, “Well, yeah, fireworks season. Interrupted sleep because of interrupted schedule. Not weird.” When he woke up and then went back to sleep at 10 I thought, “Hm.” When he was still sleeping at noon I knew something was not right. For Judah, sleep can be an indicator that his body is fighting something, or something is brewing. The only variable that is different right now is dear King George, a.k.a. the Foley. After talking to the on call urologist, Jared, and our resident nurse (Mom), my gut still said “Warning! Something’s not right! Go, mama!”

*****

Aaaaand the dr just gave me the report. To catch you up, I brought Jude to the ER to get checked out, thinking UTI maybe. They’re keeping him overnight. I fought it, I lost. Low sodium and wonky electrolytes which can be dangerous for this little mister. 

So that’s not at all how I thought this would go. We haven’t been in this place - ER, admitted - in a long time. Thank You, Jesus! Seriously, I have been so thankful for how well he has been these last few years. Even amidst the ups and downs we’ve managed at home. 

Judah is thrilled that we get to have a sleepover together. Because Mom is still his favorite person and the one he would always pick to have a sleepover with. I, however, and feeling a little differently about that. I will say though, that I’m lying in this hospital bed in the ER snuggling my sweet boy with no tv, no music, nothing. Except of course this quick post. And honestly, I’m kind of loving it. He has pulled away from me a little this year, so to have several hours of just holding him… And knowing that there’s nothing serious or really scary going on… 

I’m reading Ann Voskamp’s “1,000 Gifts” right now. I actually read her chapter about the gift of time while waiting for the dr here.  How we hurry, hurry, hurry and miss out on the beauty of moments because we’re not present there. Fully present and engaged. And here I am being forced to do nothing but wait and snuggle and choose to be present and see God and His grace and goodness here. I will cry, because I’m sad and tired and I would much rather be at home. But seriously, I have so much to be thankful for and I am not alone!

Graititude, Pups, & Rapper Names

 For those of you who have checked in this last week...and for posterity's sake...

Things are going well! We've made it through our 1st week with Judah's new friend. His constant companion. Yes, I'm referring to his leg bag for the Foley. Jude decided to name it. Because that's what Stewarts do. We name things. Vehicles, chickens, air pods, leg bags. He decided he wanted to name it after "the British monarch who riled up the Colonists". Meet King George III. More affectionately referred to by his rapper name: KG3. I love this kid.

What I'm thankful for today:

No signs of infection.

No big messes.

No leaks at church yesterday.

A great attitude and sense of humor and the ability to laugh. And make others laugh.

1 whole week down. 

The opportunity to learn and experience something new.

A mom who is willing to learn the ropes so she can tuck him in and we can have a night out. 

One week to go and then we bid King George farewell and hopefully receive further clarity on next steps. 

Just can't get enough puppy snuggles these days. I'm thankful for Charlie Tanner today, too. 

From the Waiting Room II

 I wanted to get this out quick before Judah starts waking up and I get to go snuggle him. 

The procedure went quickly and smoothly. Long term good news: there is no visible obstruction and his ureter actually looks good. ("Good" according to his current health stauts. But still good.) Short term bad news: there is no visible obstruction, so we move on to plan B. 

The urologist was actually very encouraging about everything, and he feels good about what he saw. However, Jude will come home with a Foley catheter today, wear that for 2 weeks, and then we'll be back here for follow-up blood work and renal ultrasound. There remains a concern that his bladder could be the cause of the extra dilation in his kidney. To be sure, we're taking these next steps. It's also possible that the way Judah's whole system is put together, the comoplexity of it all, is just...that. Complex and unhealthy and not what you normally see. Sooo...in a couple weeks I may actually have more questions than answers, but I continue to trust in the One who formed every single part of Judah, the One Who Sees. He knows the answers, knows what Judah needs, and I believe He'll continue to lead us in decisions as we go along. 

But guys. A catheter for 2 weeks? Jesus, take the wheel. 

From the Waiting Room I

 There isn't really anything to report yet, but I would be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to write down how God has met us here today.

Judah was more anxious this time. Covering his ears, tears, holding on to Mom. The staff was so kind and thoughtful of him. Attentive to his needs and how they might help. I'm so thankful for that. 

When the nurses came to get him he started crying and holding on to me. We prayed with him. But right before they started wheeling him out I thought to say that I bet the nurses would love to hear about his brothers! His tears dried up instantly as those nurses started asking him questions about his brothers. Praise Jesus for the gift of brothers who love Judah well, and whom he adores! And I'm so thankful that the Lord gave me that thought! 

A nurse walked us out to an area of waiting that we never sit in. Seriously. Never. We walked over to a bench, having no idea of the divine appointment that God had ordained for us and the younger dad we were about to meet. What a tremendous gift to sit with Casey and hear a small part of his story and what brought him and his wife to Childrens. To have "church" in the middle of the Childrens lobby. To encourage each other and pray for each other. Man, that's cool. I absolutely love how God moves His people and how amazing it is to meet brothers and sisters in Christ wherever we are. God, thank You for this gift today. For this tangible way that You provided comfort and encouragement for our own hearts, through the privilege of comforting and encouraging another. Would you take a moment to pray for little Arrow? He was born on Judah's birthday - June 4 - and is still in the NICU. 

Our Sovereign God does all things for our good and HIS glory. For HIS Kingdom purposes. That is a beautiful Truth to find rest in.

CYSTOSCOPY W/ RETROGRADE PYELOGRAMS

 Those are some fancy words for: It's Scope Day! 

Thank you to every one of you who has already been praying for this day! Judah is nervous, but OK. He knows he's getting a test today that he gets to sleep for, and that's all the information he can handle. 

Thanks to some smart mom planning (and Thank You, Jesus!), Judah is actually looking forward to going to Childrens today, because he is having his annual bone age done before anything else today. Just a simple x-ray of his hand. But he loves it because he knows exactly what it is, he's good at it, and they send him home with a printout of the x-ray. He's kind of a big deal;) 

For those of you that don't know what today is about, here's a brief overview:

Tests last month showed evidence of an obstruction in Judah's ureter which is beginning to affect the health of his good kidney. Today, he'll go under general and they will send a scope in there to hopefully see the obstruction. Our prayer is that it will be obvious so that Judah can have surgery to remove it and then we can move on and get back to normal kidney health maintenance. If they are unable to see an obstruction because the scope can't reach the entire ureter, then we move on to plan B. Which I will detail at a later time if I need to. For now, we focus on the scope and what it shows today. 

I appreciate so much all of you praying for PEACE for Judah today, and the ability to REST IN JESUS, knowing that he is NOT ALONE and he doesn't have to be afraid. Please pray that the Lord would give us words for Judah when he is anxious and wisdom to know how best to comfort him when he is waking up sad and scared. And please pray for wisdom for us moving forward, as well as peace in our own hearts today, and trust. God has been showing me recently that I have some deeply rooted trust issues. They tend to seep into areas of my life unexpectedly. Just when I think I'm doing OK, a lack of trust, aka fear, will rear it's ugly head.

I will keep you all posted. Thanks everyone!

The results are in!

 Well, one of my biggest prayers from the testing last week was that there would be conclusive results so we would know what we're dealing with. We got a little bit of a mixed bag of results, but there was 1 for sure finding: there is a blockage of some kind. 

The next step is a scope in June. Thankfully he'll be under general anesthesia for that. What happens immediately after that depends on what they do or do not see on that scope. A repair surgery is possible, but there are also a couple other options on the table. We just won't know for sure until they're in there. 

Big picture: Judah's left kidney currently functions at 23%, with the duplicated right side functioning at the remaining 77%. The blockage is effecting his right side, and could ultimately impact its ability to function as well as it is. So, the priority is to do whatever we can to protect that right side so it can remain as healthy as possible. 

As you pray for upcoming "nexts", keep this big picture in mind, and pray for wisdom and discernment for Jared and I as we make decisions. Also, pray that the dr. will see a clear obstruction with the scope on the 14th. This would change what happens next and actually simplify things for Judah. That being said, you can also pray that God would simply have His way, and that we would trust Him to walk with us regardless of the scope findings. 

Thank you all so much for praying with us for Judah, and for praying for us! I believe that your prayers for Jared and I last week had so much to do with our ability to remain calm and experience peace. And that, of course, translated directly to Jude. 

My natural reaction is to want to run in the opposite direction and protect Judah from anything and everything that will hurt. But God is faithful to remind me that it's in the midst of what hurts that we experience moments of deepest imtimacy with Him. And those are the moments that I crave. It's an uncomfortable tension to live with, this desire to run but to also experience more of Jesus. The challenge is to lean into what is hard and just trust Jesus. So, here we go, pressing on to the "nexts"! 

From the Living Room

Praise. The. LORD! Holy cow, what a totally different experience from 4 years ago! You guys, I am giddy excited about how this morning went! 

No problems with the anesthesia, 1st test, or what needed to be inserted for the 2nd. Actually, Judah's Australian anesthesiologist had quite a lovely exchange with him about all things Australia. And are we surprised? Ah, no. 

He had a hard time waking up, but nothing out of the ordinary for him. It's always hard to see him be sad and uncomfortable, but snuggles from Mom usually do the trick.

Once we moved to the next room amd transitioned to the table, Judah calmed down quickly. I'm so thankful that he had residual sleepiness - that really helped! He held my hand the whole time, but he was relaxed and held still on the table for just over an hour! The docs got almost everything they wanted to get today - a HUGE win! His Child Life Specialist was amazing! She played country music from her iPad and engaged Judah in conversation right away. Ezra's sports, country music, and cowboy boots. Eli's college and visiting him. Puppies, therapy dogs, NICU babies, K-LOVE, Chic-Fil-A, Charlie & Ollie, chickens, living on a farm, Cat in the Hat, chocolate chip cookies, wanting to be a doctor, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse are the topics I can remember. Haha! I LOVE listening to Judah talk to people! When we were completely done, off the table, stickers off, ready to go, she surprised Judah with a Chic-Fil-A giftcard and thanked him for doing such great work today. That was the best! We left the building with smiles all around!

We are very happy to be home with Charlie and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. We'll know something in a couple days. And then we'll see what's next. 

Again, THANK YOU for praying today! You guys are a gift to us!

From the Waiting Room

 I have written so many posts from this room. Some weightier than others. Thank You, Jesus that today's wait is not a long, heavy one.

As usual, the Children's staff killed it. They are so kind and compassionate, so careful with Judah, knowing how anxious he is. Everyone's ducks are in a row, and he's currently getting his anesthesia and 1st round of testing. He was either on my lap or holding my hand since arriving at 6 this morning, and he cried when it was time to let go and move to another bed to go back. That was hard. I got super close, looked into his eyes, and reminded him that when Mom and Dad can't be there Jesus is with him, holding him all the time. Jared prayed with him, kisses, and that was that. 

We've done anesthesia over 20 times, and that goodbye never gets easier. But trusting the One Who Sees has, so at least it's gotten easier to get past the goodbye and wait. 

I'll keep everyone posted. I don't anticipate any hiccups with this part of the morning. The difficult part could come when it's time for his 2nd test and he has to be awake. 

Please pray that the Lord would flood Judah with warmth and peace, and a sense of His presence, so that Judah will remain calm and relaxed on the table for all of the imaging. Pray that anxiety won't take hold, so that his body can function during imaging, and the docs can see what they need to. 

I have to say, I am overwhelmed by the amount of texts and messages Jared and I have gotten this morning! I realize that in the grand scheme of things, our time at Children's this morning is not a huge deal. We've experienced much bigger deal, scarier days. But the fact that so many of you are willing to carry our burdens for Judah with us, pray for him and for us, feel the weight of our concern for him and his anxiety - all of it. Guys, thank you! Thank you, Family. Thank you, Friends. Thank you, Church. Thank you, Miss Leamon's class all the way in Hungary! I'm humbled, again, to experience this community and the power of prayer! 

Love you guys! 

Here we go again...

 In the last 4 years or so I have said no to a lot of medical things for Judah. Primarily the more invasive tests/procedures, but also major ortho/dental work and things like that. Judah deals with a lot of medical trauma and anxiety, and he needed an extended period of time with only easy and positive experiences. Lots of successes. Minus the lab, of course, but he did have a major victory there last month so can I get a HALLELUJAH! 

In the last 18 months his kidney function has declined, and because of his kidney disease and poor health in that entire area of his body, we need to do something about it. On May 11 Judah will undergo 2 tests/1 procedure, 1 of which will happen in the OR so he can be asleep for it. Because his mama wasn't having it any other way on this one. And the other one will happen upstairs in Urology after he's awake. Without going into detail about what these urology tests entail, I will say that they are invasive, uncomfortable, and the times he's had these in years past have been largely unsuccessful and traumatic. For both of us quite honestly. However, it appears that either Judah's kidney reflux is back, or there is an obstruction. We've gotta know what's happening in there so it can be addressed and his chronic kidney disease can be maintained at a Stage 2. 

I would be lying if I said I felt totally fine with this and confident that everything was going to go well. Thanks to my time with Fresh Start a year and a half ago, I'm able to recognize the anxiety I'm feeling that's rooted in past trauma. I can call it out for what it is, and lean into Jesus and deal with it. It's really hard, and those old feelings of fear are very real. 

We haven't told Judah yet about his upcoming appointment.. We've learned that he does better when he doesn't have a lot of time to dwell on something. But it also helps when we have time to talk through something a few times before it happends. So there's a sweet spot there of not too soon but not too late.

I'm praying for Judah's heart. I'm asking the Lord to prepare his heart for what's coming, but also to give him peace and a very real assurance that Jesus is with him, and it will be ok. I'm praying that he will be calm, and that he won't experience the normal amount of fear and anxiety. I'm also praying that these 2 tests will go as quickly and smoothly as possible, and that they will be successful, giving the doctors the information they need. 

And, of course, I'm spending time with Jesus for my own self. I don't want even the tiniest bit of my own anxiety to be communicated in any way to Judah, so I'm trusting God to walk me through dealing with that, and I'm trusting Him to completely take the anxiety and fear on that day and replace it with peace and confidence in God's care for Judah. 

I'm reminding myself that regardless of how this visit goes, even if the worst happens, that doesn't mean that God abandoned him. Or me. It wouldn't make God any less good or kind. He is exactly who He says He is - Judah's Provider, Rescuer, Comforter, Great Physician, Redeemer, and Abba. I know that He's mine, too.

Will you pray with me in preparation for this day? For any or all of these things I've mentioned? I am so thankful for a community of people, near and far, who love and support us so well. Thank you!

The COVID and my swirling thoughts about that...

I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the last 3 weeks. I never would have been able to dream it up in a million years! Well, maybe a million. I have a pretty active imagination. But seriously. I feel like I'm living in a movie. All the schools are closed for the rest of the year. 4th quarter homeschooling is the new norm. No sports. None. Not a single extracurricular activity. Stores are either dead or packed, and always short on what I need. Wal-Mart limits you to only 2 of each item. Well that's fine and dandy for a family of 4. But a family of 7? Come on, people! I'm trying to provide for my family here! Online. Yes, online grocery shopping. That's also a new norm. I hate it, but I guess I'm getting used to it...and getting better at it. Costco can't seem to keep anything I need in their distribution center, though, so Jared has to brave the store once every couple of weeks to get whatever they have that I need. He's actually waiting in line at this very moment just to get in! 6' and elbows out we say. Ha! Funny not funny. Again. It's like living in a movie. We don't go anywhere unless we absolutely have to go to the grocery store, or I'm taking boys and myself to the chiro. E, Z, and J. We're taking walks and existing outside as the weather allows. But the sun has been hiding quite a bit lately. That's hard on me. Zoom. That's the new magic word. Let's Zoom! I'll see you on the Zoom call. I have a Zoom call today. Tonight. Later. I have to set up a Zoom. Gotta hop on a Zoom call. What teacher did you Zoom today? Did you have fun with your friends and teacher on Zoom today? I feel like the new soundtrack of my life is kids on zoom calls. Zoomzoomzoom... Zoom is a necessary thing right now, but it's not life-giving. It's a way to stay connected when everything face-to-face and personal and in-person has been stripped away. But it is NOT the same. And I actually kind of hate it a little bit. I'm trying to stay connected with my small group girls through Zoom. I'm trying to keep it light and fun and make sure they know how much I miss them and that I'm still here! But at the end of the day I'm so tired of being on front of a computer screen. Seeing people that way isn't really seeing people. The kids seem to be doing fine with their eLearning. Judah needs quite a bit of attention - keeping him on task, focused, taking breaks, helping him - I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get much done during all this extra time we suddenly have. Not to mention the fact that I have to share this Chromebook with Lydia for a couple of her classes. So, I don't always have this when I want or need it either. Sometimes sharing is hard. My heart hurts everyday for Eli. My senior. This is so hard and unfair. I have prayed for him for years - that God would do whatever it takes to get a hold of his heart and make him His man. He has stripped Eli of everything he was counting on. Things he put his hope and identity in. Things he was looking forward to, worked hard for, expected, and earned. I want God to sweep Eli off his feet and leave him with nothing but Himself if that's what it takes. But it's painful for his mama, too, and it's so hard to watch. I can't make him run to Jesus and lean hard into Him. I can't make him choose to do the hard thing and surrender. I keep praying. For all of my kids. I so desperately do NOT want this time to be wasted in their hearts. I want them to be different - more like Jesus - because of it. We're trying to be intentional with our time as a family. It's hard to come up with different things to do. It's hard to be together all the time. We live in a small space for 7 people. And we're all home almost all the time. Sometimes Eli goes for a drive. Sometimes the big boys go through a Starbucks or Scooters drive through. Sometimes the kids go for bike rides. Anything to get out a little. Z has been working out a lot and trying to get in some runs. L is running and biking. Social distance biking with her neighborhood friends. The other 3 kids have been harder to motivate to move. Although, Judah does love watching his PE teacher's videos and doing warm-ups "with" him. And he really loves doing his music teacher's activities that she's posted. I'm struggling with my depression right now. This is usually the time of year when I start going up, coming off of the down of winter and less sun. But all of these circumstances, the monumental changes, and all the accompanying emotions and feelings have thrown me into somewhat of a tailspin. I hate this. At a time when I need to have more energy, more positiveness, more good mood and hype and happy and fun to keep the kids positive and moving forward I feel tired and sad and discouraged. I'm doing what I can to reach out to my community. To connect with others. To be involved. But I'm struggling. I hate the changes that have been made to my job, simply because I can't be with kids right now. Everything I love about my CL job is gone right now. Everything about my routine and my normal has been disrupted. I feel the weight of caring for my family and the pressure of making this a positive, fun, memorable experience that the kids will look back on and love to remember. This is a lot. Just a lot that I've been processing and stuffing and trying to deal with. So I just needed to get it down somewhere. It's a jumble of thoughts. I can't even see my way through all of it right now.

BUT GOD...

God, I know You're here. I know You're sovereign. I know You're in control. I know You listen to all of my grumbling and whining and doubt. I know You see what is at the root of all of that. Fear, unmet expectations, grief. And You understand all of it better than I do. You see me. You. See. Me. You care for my heart. You are gentle and kind. You sustain me. You provide everything I need, physical and spiritual. You give me gifts: writing, a puppy, tulips, quality time with my kids, connections I wouldn't have with people in my community otherwise (SPCS Homeschool page on FB, a Westmont teacher parade through the neighborhood, intentional conversations, out-of-the-ordinary text messages), time, slow days, no plans, online books, sunshine, new pillows. God, You are good. Even when it feels like the depression is winning, You are good and You are bigger. When it seems like this isn't going to end. You are enough and You are at work.

OK. God, Your grace is sufficient for today. It's a new day that You have created. Your mercies are new and You are faithful. Thanks for this time with You...for time to vent and process and just let go a little. I know there is loss to process here, but that will come later.

I Will Not Live in Fear

I'm tempted to be fearful right now. Just downright scared, letting my mind run amok with possibilities and what-ifs and what-would-I-dos. COVID-19 is a real threat that seems like it's just around the corner. With a kiddo who is all kinds of vulnerable, the temptation to react out of fear and lose my mind to it is also very real. I tell myself everyday that I will not live in fear. Last night I had to go to sleep telling myself Truth about Who God is, who Judah and I are in Him, and how much He loves us. As is usually the case when I'm wrestling with something and processing some tough, painful thoughts, God has taken me deeper.

I know that God is sovereign. He's perfectly in control. He knows what's going to happen and not happen. He is kind, compassionate, faithful, loving, and gracious. He knows what's best. He causes what He does for our good and His glory.

The thought that I've been pondering, though, is this: do "bad" things happen (for ex. Judah getting COVID-19) simply because there is sin in the world? God knows what will happen because of that sin and He will work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, draw us into deeper intimacy with Himself. But in that scenario it almost seems like God is taking a backseat to sin. Like, He's less in control or something. Like, sin is the one in charge right now, but God will ultimately cause His purposes to be fulfilled regardless. OR, is God completely in charge and sovereign, and He causes "bad" things to happen for our good and His glory? And He will still work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, and draw us into deeper intimacy with Him? OR are both kind of true?

 I already know that my definition of "good" does not jive with God's. So the same has to be true of my definition of "bad". The question becomes, then, does God cause the "bad" in our lives...because, according to His definition, it's actually good? Would God cause Judah to get COVID-19...or would He simply allow it? Would He cause him to become gravely ill because of all of his other illnesses...or would He allow it? Maybe the verbiage isn't a big deal to most people. But to me it is. When I'm asked to trust the life of my son with Someone, you had better believe I need to know who that Someone is. Yes, I walked this road in Fresh Start, and I surrendered my sweet boy to the One Who so beautifully knit him together. But, the choice to surrender is in no way a "one and done".

So, where do I land?

I've been thinking a lot about stories lately. Judah's story, mine...how interwoven and connected our stories are. How powerful God is in our stories.

God is the Author of Judah's story. And if Judah gets sick to any degree, than that was written into his story before the beginning of time. It's not written by sin or inaction or passive allowance. His story has been written by an all-knowing, all-powerful, love-filled, grace-filled, wholly faithful, wholly trustworthy, miracle-working, redeeming, intimate, kind GOD. What is written in his story is the good that God has ordained for him, so that Judah might come to a better understanding and knowing of who God is and what deep intimacy with Jesus Christ is. So that we might have a better understanding of who God is, a deeper intimacy with Jesus. So that the world around us might see the power and glory of God the Rescuer in and through us!

So. I will not live in fear. I will stand on the Truth.

Health & Wellness Update Part II

Over the last few weeks we've been able to knock out some of these bigger appointments.

*Judah and I both love the new eye surgeon. He's young and gentle, personable and very likable. It was a good experience all around. And...NO SURGERY! When Judah gets to the point that his lids are drooping down past his pupils more than 50% of the time we'll need to move forward; but not before then! The next procedure will be a little more complex, though. When he adjusts the upper lid to bring it up more, he'll also need to adjust the lower lid to bring it up a little to prevent further dryness and damage to the eye and cornea as he sleeps somewhat open-eyed. It's a tough situation. The scar tissue that Judah was born with, rather than muscle, just causes more challenges and complexities than one might expect. But, he can see, and I'm thankful for that!

*The EKG looked great! No thickening of the lining there - so thank You, JESUS!

*We met with rehab for Judah's swallowing, etc. Not the most encouraging appointment. I didn't realize that I was really hoping she would be able to say that he'll grow out of the swallowing issues, or it will get better, or it's just a matter of time - he looks great! But no. He has low muscle tone, and that just effects everything. He may not ever get away from thickened liquids of some kind. That's really disappointing to have to admit. She assigned us some exercises to do, but that's really not going well. As in, it's not going at all. Judah hates them. And it's really hard to know if he's actually doing them correctly or not. And he hates them, so he doesn't want to do them anyway. Because he actually hates them. So, that's that for the moment.

*We had his IEP/MDT a couple weeks ago. I'm finally to the point where I can get through an IEP and not cry on the way home. Well, I've done it twice. Small victories. But they're just really hard. I always walk away feeling like I'm not doing enough. And when there's one area that just doesn't see change or progress, I feel frustrated and like a failure. This has nothing to do with his team! They are wonderful! They are affirming, have positive things to say all the way through, and wrack their brains along with us for ways to help Judah be successful. Last year his teacher sent this to me:

This has meant so much to me! IEPs are just one of those things that will be hard... 

*Other than that, Judah has been healthy this cold/flu season. Praise Jesus! 

We went to Scooters for a muffin date. Sadly, they were out of chocolate chip muffins, so he had to settle for a giant cinnamon roll instead. He didn't seem to be too disappointed. Love this kid so much!

Health & Wellness Update

It's been really, really fun to read my blog and re-watch Judah grow,discover, and develop. Hard to remember the pain, fear, and uncertainty yes; but totally worth it. God has used this blog to encourage me, to challenge me again, to inspire me, to remind me of Him, and to reveal areas of "ick" in my heart that have needed attention. He's done some pretty major work in my heart in the last few weeks, and I'm thankful. I also love being back here. How do I get paid to do this? I could sit here all day. Ha!

I've also realized that, while a lot has changed for Judah over the years, there are still some things that haven't. And I haven't been good at keeping track of those things here. It's been so long since I wrote a simple H&W update, just so people know where he's at physically and developmentally. And if there's nobody left out there, that's just fine. I'll have this here for me to compare with and remember later.

Judah's vision and eye muscles/scar tissue/development issues continue to be a challenge. We roll with the changes that need to be made as he grows, trust Dr. Legge's (ridiculously thankful for and LOVE this dr. so much to this day!!!) judgment, and "wait and see" on how his muscles and vision will do as he gets older. We have a consult with a new eye surgeon this month to talk about the possible need for a lid revision. Over the last year - more so in the last 6 months - I've noticed that Judah's lids seem to be getting droopier again. At our 6 mo. check in January Dr. L. agreed. He seems to be having to work harder to keep those lids up and they seem to droop farther down than they used to when he's relaxed. The right side is definitely worse. We'll see what the surgeon says. If there's an alternative to surgery, I'll take it!

Judah's kidney disease is managed well, and his kidneys continue to be as healthy as they can be! I've been reading from 2010, when Judah got the G-button, and my feeding goal for him. One of which was to get him on a complete oral diet and get rid of the button! Well, here we are 9 1/2 years later, and we still have that stinkin' button. Judah eats well, but can't drink the necessary 60+ fluid oz. he needs a day to keep his kidneys hydrated. I've stopped even thinking of a goal for an exit strategy for the button. Especially since May, when another Diglutition study showed that Judah was silently aspirating again. Who knows for how long. He can't eat or drink anything less than a honey-thickness. Not sure what the timetable for this is. But that has directly impacted the amount of fluids he takes in independently. AND he will only drink light blue Gatorade. That is all. We're meeting with a specialist in this field in a couple of weeks so we can learn some exercises and strategies to help strengthen that part of his anatomy, and hopefully move to a nectar-thickness or less...please, Jesus. I would love to think that he'll grow out of this, and be stronger later. But I just don't know that that's part of God's plan for him.

Related to the kidneys, he had an EKG last week. Let me back up a minute. Judah has high blood pressure, because of the kidney disease. The medication works, his school nurse checks his BP once a week, and he's stable. BUT high BP can cause a thickening of the muscle around your heart, because your heart is working harder because of the increased blood pressure. So, his Nephrologist said it was time for the EKG to make sure his heart is in good health. Haven't heard back yet. That was just Friday. But, in this world, no news or slow news is usually good news.

Judah's urology health has basically plateaued, and he's in a good spot. We do still have one major challenge in this area. For the sake of his privacy and dignity, that's all I'll say.

This little stinker is growing like crazy! He's caught up to his peers in size, and he eats all the time! He loves to snack on bread, cheese, yogurt, and peanut butter. He is a Stewart after all.

Developmentally...in some ways, he's a typical 10 year old. He loves to be with his friends and family, he loves school and video games, and he doesn't like showering or going to bed. Usually. But, as Judah gets older, the gap between his emotional and social development and his peers' widens. And as school gets tougher, he continues to struggle. He's on grade level, and he works HARD! And his sped teachers work HARD! Buuut...he's really just not your average kiddo. Some of the most unique things about him are things I love the most; but they're also things that can be conspicuous and make him vulnerable. I am beyond thankful for the community God has surrounded Judah with! He is loved and accepted and wanted! And, for the most part, the kids around him are kind and patient.

We're moving forward with orthodontics. I've been content to put this off as long as possible...and even push past that...but they tell me it's time now. Judah will have several teeth removed before having the 1st of 2 appliances put in his mouth to begin widening the roof of his mouth. This is an area that I have to constantly remind myself to trust the Lord with. I don't have grace for these appointments yet, but I will on those days. And so will Judah. I have a lot of anxiety about how Judah will handle all of this. And I don't know how to help him right now. Besides watching other kids go through the same things on YouTube so he can see what's going to be happening. This will be a looooong road for him, with lots of different procedures and appointments and "new". So, Jesus, take the wheel.

I think that's all for now. Except for this:

These appts. with Dr. L. can be super long. But Judah is the best sport there is. So patient and chill and happy to be on my lap, or reading a book or mag., or watching PBS on the T.V. Love this silly kid.

Closure...?

So there's this one last thing that I don't think I've ever completely done business with. I've re-read some blog posts that I wrote, trying to process this loss. But I mentioned it in Fresh Start at the beginning, and "Bo" was kind enough to remind me of it this morning, and suggest that maybe I need to do business with it. These F.S. women are diligent note-takers. They miss nothing and remember everything. Ha!

I lost a breastfeeding relationship with Judah that I dreamed about. I cherished that relationship with each of my other 3. I looked forward to it with Judah. I fought for it. I begged God for it. He said no. My heart broke.

To this day, I wrestle with this. And the lack of closure in this part of our relationship effects me. I still miss nursing. I still regret not being able to share that with him. There are days when I long to have another baby - ah yeah, 10 yrs. later, 40 yrs. old and kids in high school and jr. high - because I actually crave that connection and relationship again. I grieve that loss. I realized today that I can be healed from that hurt, and I can move on and be free from that - God can give me closure - but I will probably always grieve it. And I can be ok with that. But to get to that place, I need to go through this process first.

...

.....

God, You know how hurt and angry - how devastated! - I was when I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never nurse Judah. And then, You saw how crushed, broken, and confused I was when I had to throw away all of my frozen milk because of the amount of lipase in it. God, I don't know why. I don't know why You chose to say no. I don't know why You allowed that milk to go bad. I don't know why! I can't see Your good or Your purpose in those things. I couldn't then, and I don't now.

[surrender...]

God, I offer you sacrificial thanksgiving for those things. Thank You for taking that relationship from me. Thank You for taking that milk. I don't understand it, but I choose to thank You, because You say to. It hurts to do so, Lord. It hurts.

God, You cause and allow what You do because You are sovereign. Because only You see what is for our good, and how it will bring You glory. God, I've been really angry and confused about this. Angry with You! I wanted this with Judah SO BADLY! But if I believe that You are good and trustworthy, then that has to apply here, too. God, forgive me for my anger towards You, and my lack of belief in Your goodness and in the goodness of Your plan for me and for Judah. I let this go. Heal my heart from the hurt that has been there all these years over this one loss. God, if You see fit, please give me a sense of closure. A sense of peace. I still have so many feelings of loss surrounding Judah's birth and infancy. Maybe I always will. But if I'm going to experience any change there, any healing at all, I know it has to come from You. You are the only One who is able.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name.

Fresh Start Reflection

My time of sharing at Fresh Start this morning was pretty amazing. After everything this process brought up, how painful it was, how stupid hard it was, I honestly didn't think it could possibly end really well. I thought it would just...finally be over, and I could be done with it and move on. If I'm honest, I didn't believe that the work would be worth it, and that I would feel any benefit when all was said and done. I was shocked to feel, after that final prayer of humbling requests and release, lighter! Relieved. Rested. Well in my soul. Every hard question, every moment of wrestling and digging, every tear really was worth it. This process hasn't changed a single thing in Judah's circumstances. It hasn't brought about any kind of healing for him, or changed how hard his life and journey is. BUT GOD has met me in my doubt, fear, and anger. In His kindness, He has shown me where I've been wrong, what attitudes and beliefs have been so wrong and hurtful to me and Judah; and He has been faithful to forgive me as I have confessed those things, and then let them go in Jesus' Name. He has graciously helped me to forgive those who have unintentionally hurt me in the past, and given me the courage to let it go and move on, knowing that I'll be hurt again. But His grace is sufficient, and I don't need to try to protect myself from hurt. He will heal and restore as I need Him to. God met me in my deep pain as I surrendered Judah to Him and thanked Him for the things that He has caused and/or allowed these last almost 11 years. These weeks of process have been so painful and really awful at times. BUT GOD is  restoring my faith in Him, and has taken me deeper. He didn't have to. He doesn't answer to me. BUT GOD chose to meet me, to reveal Himself to me, to show me hard things about myself, and to start healing my heart and developing a deeper intimacy with Him. After all the thoughts and questions I threw at Him these last several weeks, it's pretty humbling that He would still choose me. So, yes, the work of Fresh Start has been worth it. And had I held anything back, my experience, while certainly less painful, would not have been nearly as full or rich. Man, God, thank You for those 3 beautiful women who created a safe space, and then - in love - pushed, challenged, listened, validated, and prayed. They are a gift.

I officially finished my process today, but I do have one more thing from the past to address. Git after it, girl.

A fresh start...

I have come to the end of my process with Fresh Start. Today I take that last step and RELEASE! I've already said how painful this process has been. And just because this is the last day that I share and officially finish my process, that in no way means I'm actually really done. I'm not naive. I know that what I've taken from Fresh Start is just the beginning. But, that's just it. It's a beginning. A fresh start as I move forward from here and continue on this journey with Judah. And Jesus. And Jared.

Here's where I'm at this morning. I've had to recognize vows and judgments that I've made over the last few years. I've had to confess wrongs that I've committed against God and Jared, and Judah, too, and ask for forgiveness. I've had to let go of things people have said that I've held onto all these years. Hurts that I've held onto, and forgive. Today in group I have to confess those vows and judgments, outloud, call myself out, and renounce them. And then replace them with Truth. I know the lovely ladies that facilitate this will remind me of things I've said, but forgotten, and will probably have much to add to what I put here. But the heart of what I've recognized are these things:
     I have judged God.
        "You're not at work."
        "You're not there."
        "This isn't Your good."
        "You are silent."
        "You don't protect Judah."
        "I can't trust You."
        "You're not meeting our needs or acting in Judah's or my best interest."
        So...ultimately...I have judged God to be insufficient and unkind.
     I have judged myself to be better than Jared in a lot of ways regarding Judah. I have come to believe
     that I am all Judah has when things are really hard. Appointments, labs, new doctors, whatever.
     I have judged myself to be Judah's protector. Like I'm enough for him...though I know I'm not.
     I have effectively said that I will build walls around my heart. I won't feel. I will harden my heart
     so I can't be as hurt or disappointed.

This is gross. Ugly. And I'm happy to get it out in the open and get rid of it!

The Truth?
     God is always at work. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
     God. Is. Always. Present. Always.
     God is always good. He can't be anything but good. And right. Always.
     Sometimes, it seems like God is silent. But, if He is, that doesn't mean He's absent or not at work,
     or less than good or right.
     God is Judah's protector. Whether I agree with or like His plan and purpose for how He protects,
     the Truth is that He does protect Judah, and it is for Judah's good and God's glory that He allows
     what He does. Nothing comes to Judah without first being filtered through God's loving, gracious,
     kind, and sovereign hands.
     God, You are trustworthy. Perfectly and always.
     God - and only God - can meet our needs, and will, according to His perfect plan and purposes.
     God, You are enough. God, you are kind. Always.

OK, so now I need to "entrust the person and/or situation to the Lord." "Write, in the form of a prayer, who or what you are now entrusting to the Lord."

God, Judah is Yours. Every single part of him. Every bit that I can see, and every complicated part I can't. He. Is. Yours. You delight in him as Your image-bearer in ways that I can't even begin to appreciate or fathom. God, You see his pain, his fear and anxiety, and every moment that is hard and that I wouldn't choose for him. You see it; but You also understand perfectly what he's feeling and experiencing. You understand him and know him intimately and only You know exactly what Your plan and purpose is for Judah, and why all of this "stuff" is necessary for his good and Your glory. God, only You are fully trustworthy and able. Able to protect Judah. Able to shape him and use him for Your glory. Able to meet his needs in the midst of pain and anxiety. Able to comfort him. Able to thwart the Enemy's plan to accomplish Your purpose. Able. You are able. So, because of these Truths, I can trust Judah with You. I'm laying myself down, and holding him up to You. Because You are better than me, and You are what Judah needs. God, he has a long journey ahead of him, and me with him. So many circumstances and situations that are yet to be. Some I know about now, many I'm sure will come as unpleasant surprises. God, I trust You with these. I trust You to give me wisdom as to how to comfort Judah, and walk him through a tough situation when the time comes. I trust You to continue to hold him and comfort him, using me as You see fit. I choose to believe that Your grace is sufficient for Judah and me, and that it will be more than enough at exactly the moment we need it - You won't be early, but You won't be late. I trust You with my heart, too. God, this journey with my precious son is really hard, and it really hurts a lot sometimes. It's so up and down and all over the place. The wealth and variety of emotions that I feel in just one day sometimes! God, it's hard. But, I trust You with my heart and everything it feels and experiences each day. I trust you with the really hard things that hurt me the most, that make me want to run and hide and shore up the walls around my heart so I can't hurt and feel. I trust You. And even as I write this, I know that You know that it's so much easier said than done. So, I even have to trust You to keep this work in my heart going. God, have Your way.

Here's the attitude I want to pursue moving forward:
I want to continue to step out in faith, regardless of fear or anxiety, and walk forward in obedience, hand in hand with the One Who calls me.

Judah at 10...and-a-half

Because that "half" is very important when you're 10. So, since Judah is now 10, I think it's appropriate to write out my TOP 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT JUDAH list.
So here we go:

Top 10 Things I Love About Judah:

1. His smile - Judah's smile is all his own. It's quirky and unique, incredibly endearing, and lights up the room. It comes so easily to him and is so freely shared.

2. His giggle - This kid has the most infectious laugh I have ever heard! Whether he's being tickled, laughing at something in a book or on t.v., or cracking up at Ezra, I can't help but start laughing myself. At times he gets the whole family laughing! Especially when he really gets going and can't stop. Oh my gosh, we've had some of the best family laughter around the dinner table when Judah has had the giggles.

3. His affection - Judah is an affectionate kid. He asks to snuggle regularly. He still loves to sit on my lap. He loves to hold hands. Just the other day he asked Ezra if he wanted to hold hands in the car. And when we drove down to get Charlie, Judah held Grandpa's hand for the full 2nd half of the trip! He's the instigator of "snuggle fests". He recruits as many family members as he can to pile on the couch together. Or he just wriggles his way in between Jared and I or his siblings and declares a "snuggle fest". He still likes to give kisses. He loves snuggling with Ollie. He gives hugs and high fives and loves to put his arms around his brothers or his mama. And he's always telling me he loves me.

4. His love for people - Judah is an incredibly social kid who loves being with people (he definitely has his favorites) and thrives on social interaction. The thing is, people completely adore him, too! He gives affection so freely, doesn't know how to be anything but completely himself, and lights up a place with his enthusiasm - how could the people around him not be impacted by that? I wish that I could engage with people the way that Judah does. He is able to openly and freely adore others and pursue them without fear of rejection or what they might think of him. He has no agenda, and no understanding of certain social "rules" and complexities. He simply is who he is and loves you because you're you. It's funny, because he knows that there are things about himself that are different from other kids, but he doesn't seem to recognize that in other "special needs" kids. He sees people. And he loves people.

5. His enthusiasm - This child LOVES life! And when he loves something. or is excited about something, he approaches it with an enthusiasm and energy that is hard to match. He dances all the time. Doesn't matter where we are or who's around. When the Spirit moves, so does he. Haha! He's got the best moves, too. He will be the president of your fan club and cheer his sweet little heart out for you! Sporting activities of all kinds, siblings and friends, competitions - he's got your back and everyone will know that he's your fan! He gets so "geeked" about the littlest things. Playing basketball outside with Ezra. Lydia babysitting. Riding in Eli's car. Watching a favorite movie. A new book. Cold lunch for school. Grandma and Gramps picking him up from school on Wednesdays. Every Wednesday. Like it's the first time every week. He knows how to get excited about something, and he goes with it. Forget about reserve.

6. His love for reading - No joke. Judah averages 3-4 hrs of reading a day. During the week. More on the weekends. He can't get enough words and information! He doesn't read stories, he reads informational texts. Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, Almanacs, Atlases, and textbooks. He devours them! He will sit with an atlas and simply read names of countries and capitals for an hour! He's amazing. BUT, the absolute best part of all that reading? His favorite book, and the vast majority of time he spends reading it: his Bible...s. I think he has 9. And he reads them all. And he retains information from them. He knows the most obscure facts from Scripture! Names, places, happenings, times - it's incredible! I am so in love with the fact that he loves. to. read.

7. His vocabulary - Naturally, a kid who reads 30 hours a week is going to have an impressive vocabulary. It's not just what he says though, but how he says it. He does NOT talk like your typical 10 yr. old. He'll use words and phrasing that a "normal" kid wouldn't, and then deliver them like he's a 40 yr. old dad or something. He's constantly making us and those around him laugh with his choice of words and delivery.

8. His smell - I know that probably sounds weird, but Judah has his own smell, kinda like babies do. I suppose my other kids do, too. Sort of. But Judah's is distinct and very uniquely his. I still love to breather it in when I kiss him while he sleeps. It's really not a sweet smell...and I'm not sure that Jared would even think it's at all a good smell...but I love it. Something about how it speaks to the connection that Judah and I have on a deeper level.

9. His vulnerability - Judah doesn't know how to be "tough" or "macho" or "fake" or anything else but who he is. When he's scared, he acts scared and comes to me like a little boy. When he's hurt, he comes to me with his hurt. When he's mad, well, you know it. He doesn't know how to try to be someone other than who he is. Being vulnerable is a really hard thing in our culture, and it's not something that is generally celebrated. But I celebrate that God created Judah to be vulnerable - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - because it's beautiful and refreshing and freeing and looks like Jesus.

10. His "imperfections" - Here's the thing. Judah is clearly different. While we are all created to be different and unique from one another, we live in a broken, fallen world, and we see some as more different from others. (I can't wait for the day when I see people perfectly like Jesus does!) Judah has "anomalies" and "deformities" and "delays" and blah blah blah. To this day, I see him as nothing but the most beautiful, precious, extraordinary little person covered with the fingerprints of God. And all of those things that make him stand out a little more from the crowd are the things that endear him to me, that make me want to fight for him harder, and that ultimately point me to Jesus. Judah was knit together by the Creator, planned down to the minutest detail, and is intimately known and loved by Him. God doesn't make mistakes. He makes masterpieces that reflect His goodness and His glory. That's what I see when I look at Judah. An original that God made for His own pleasure.

He knows how to put together an outfit for a special day. This was "Grandfriends Day" at school.

Snuggling. He loves snuggling.

There are always extra snuggles during Fireworks, because we spend so much time at the tent. 

GEEKED! Because he got to pick out his own travel-sized deodorant. That he does not use.

Snuggling the new puppy. See what I mean about that smile?

This picture gets me every time. The morning of his 10th birthday. Annual IHOP breakfast with Grandma and Gramps. New Bible. Classic Smile.

He couldn't contain his excitement over the muffins we made. He literally watched them bake and watched the timer count down. 

Snuggling. Lately, Ezra has been his favorite "snuggle buddy". And Ezra is always available. Something that's special about him.

Judah loves to conduct experiments in my kitchen that I do not authorize.

One of his favorite places on the planet is the Omaha Children's Museum. We took him to the one in Lincoln for his birthday.

He loves participating in the Cheer Clinic our hs cheerleaders put on every fall. Doesn't matter that he's the only boy. He loves every minute of it. This year they even got pictures taken.

He likes to play pretend and dress up with Lydia. This year he was an astronaut for Halloween. He wears these pajamas to bed OFTEN. 

Geeked about a new dictionary he found at the kid's consignment shop.

Tanner is one of Judah's people that he loves the most. When he comes into view, Judah only has eyes for him. 

I love it when he puts his arm around me. And still that smile.