From the Waiting Room I

 There isn't really anything to report yet, but I would be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to write down how God has met us here today.

Judah was more anxious this time. Covering his ears, tears, holding on to Mom. The staff was so kind and thoughtful of him. Attentive to his needs and how they might help. I'm so thankful for that. 

When the nurses came to get him he started crying and holding on to me. We prayed with him. But right before they started wheeling him out I thought to say that I bet the nurses would love to hear about his brothers! His tears dried up instantly as those nurses started asking him questions about his brothers. Praise Jesus for the gift of brothers who love Judah well, and whom he adores! And I'm so thankful that the Lord gave me that thought! 

A nurse walked us out to an area of waiting that we never sit in. Seriously. Never. We walked over to a bench, having no idea of the divine appointment that God had ordained for us and the younger dad we were about to meet. What a tremendous gift to sit with Casey and hear a small part of his story and what brought him and his wife to Childrens. To have "church" in the middle of the Childrens lobby. To encourage each other and pray for each other. Man, that's cool. I absolutely love how God moves His people and how amazing it is to meet brothers and sisters in Christ wherever we are. God, thank You for this gift today. For this tangible way that You provided comfort and encouragement for our own hearts, through the privilege of comforting and encouraging another. Would you take a moment to pray for little Arrow? He was born on Judah's birthday - June 4 - and is still in the NICU. 

Our Sovereign God does all things for our good and HIS glory. For HIS Kingdom purposes. That is a beautiful Truth to find rest in.

CYSTOSCOPY W/ RETROGRADE PYELOGRAMS

 Those are some fancy words for: It's Scope Day! 

Thank you to every one of you who has already been praying for this day! Judah is nervous, but OK. He knows he's getting a test today that he gets to sleep for, and that's all the information he can handle. 

Thanks to some smart mom planning (and Thank You, Jesus!), Judah is actually looking forward to going to Childrens today, because he is having his annual bone age done before anything else today. Just a simple x-ray of his hand. But he loves it because he knows exactly what it is, he's good at it, and they send him home with a printout of the x-ray. He's kind of a big deal;) 

For those of you that don't know what today is about, here's a brief overview:

Tests last month showed evidence of an obstruction in Judah's ureter which is beginning to affect the health of his good kidney. Today, he'll go under general and they will send a scope in there to hopefully see the obstruction. Our prayer is that it will be obvious so that Judah can have surgery to remove it and then we can move on and get back to normal kidney health maintenance. If they are unable to see an obstruction because the scope can't reach the entire ureter, then we move on to plan B. Which I will detail at a later time if I need to. For now, we focus on the scope and what it shows today. 

I appreciate so much all of you praying for PEACE for Judah today, and the ability to REST IN JESUS, knowing that he is NOT ALONE and he doesn't have to be afraid. Please pray that the Lord would give us words for Judah when he is anxious and wisdom to know how best to comfort him when he is waking up sad and scared. And please pray for wisdom for us moving forward, as well as peace in our own hearts today, and trust. God has been showing me recently that I have some deeply rooted trust issues. They tend to seep into areas of my life unexpectedly. Just when I think I'm doing OK, a lack of trust, aka fear, will rear it's ugly head.

I will keep you all posted. Thanks everyone!

The results are in!

 Well, one of my biggest prayers from the testing last week was that there would be conclusive results so we would know what we're dealing with. We got a little bit of a mixed bag of results, but there was 1 for sure finding: there is a blockage of some kind. 

The next step is a scope in June. Thankfully he'll be under general anesthesia for that. What happens immediately after that depends on what they do or do not see on that scope. A repair surgery is possible, but there are also a couple other options on the table. We just won't know for sure until they're in there. 

Big picture: Judah's left kidney currently functions at 23%, with the duplicated right side functioning at the remaining 77%. The blockage is effecting his right side, and could ultimately impact its ability to function as well as it is. So, the priority is to do whatever we can to protect that right side so it can remain as healthy as possible. 

As you pray for upcoming "nexts", keep this big picture in mind, and pray for wisdom and discernment for Jared and I as we make decisions. Also, pray that the dr. will see a clear obstruction with the scope on the 14th. This would change what happens next and actually simplify things for Judah. That being said, you can also pray that God would simply have His way, and that we would trust Him to walk with us regardless of the scope findings. 

Thank you all so much for praying with us for Judah, and for praying for us! I believe that your prayers for Jared and I last week had so much to do with our ability to remain calm and experience peace. And that, of course, translated directly to Jude. 

My natural reaction is to want to run in the opposite direction and protect Judah from anything and everything that will hurt. But God is faithful to remind me that it's in the midst of what hurts that we experience moments of deepest imtimacy with Him. And those are the moments that I crave. It's an uncomfortable tension to live with, this desire to run but to also experience more of Jesus. The challenge is to lean into what is hard and just trust Jesus. So, here we go, pressing on to the "nexts"! 

From the Living Room

Praise. The. LORD! Holy cow, what a totally different experience from 4 years ago! You guys, I am giddy excited about how this morning went! 

No problems with the anesthesia, 1st test, or what needed to be inserted for the 2nd. Actually, Judah's Australian anesthesiologist had quite a lovely exchange with him about all things Australia. And are we surprised? Ah, no. 

He had a hard time waking up, but nothing out of the ordinary for him. It's always hard to see him be sad and uncomfortable, but snuggles from Mom usually do the trick.

Once we moved to the next room amd transitioned to the table, Judah calmed down quickly. I'm so thankful that he had residual sleepiness - that really helped! He held my hand the whole time, but he was relaxed and held still on the table for just over an hour! The docs got almost everything they wanted to get today - a HUGE win! His Child Life Specialist was amazing! She played country music from her iPad and engaged Judah in conversation right away. Ezra's sports, country music, and cowboy boots. Eli's college and visiting him. Puppies, therapy dogs, NICU babies, K-LOVE, Chic-Fil-A, Charlie & Ollie, chickens, living on a farm, Cat in the Hat, chocolate chip cookies, wanting to be a doctor, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse are the topics I can remember. Haha! I LOVE listening to Judah talk to people! When we were completely done, off the table, stickers off, ready to go, she surprised Judah with a Chic-Fil-A giftcard and thanked him for doing such great work today. That was the best! We left the building with smiles all around!

We are very happy to be home with Charlie and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. We'll know something in a couple days. And then we'll see what's next. 

Again, THANK YOU for praying today! You guys are a gift to us!

From the Waiting Room

 I have written so many posts from this room. Some weightier than others. Thank You, Jesus that today's wait is not a long, heavy one.

As usual, the Children's staff killed it. They are so kind and compassionate, so careful with Judah, knowing how anxious he is. Everyone's ducks are in a row, and he's currently getting his anesthesia and 1st round of testing. He was either on my lap or holding my hand since arriving at 6 this morning, and he cried when it was time to let go and move to another bed to go back. That was hard. I got super close, looked into his eyes, and reminded him that when Mom and Dad can't be there Jesus is with him, holding him all the time. Jared prayed with him, kisses, and that was that. 

We've done anesthesia over 20 times, and that goodbye never gets easier. But trusting the One Who Sees has, so at least it's gotten easier to get past the goodbye and wait. 

I'll keep everyone posted. I don't anticipate any hiccups with this part of the morning. The difficult part could come when it's time for his 2nd test and he has to be awake. 

Please pray that the Lord would flood Judah with warmth and peace, and a sense of His presence, so that Judah will remain calm and relaxed on the table for all of the imaging. Pray that anxiety won't take hold, so that his body can function during imaging, and the docs can see what they need to. 

I have to say, I am overwhelmed by the amount of texts and messages Jared and I have gotten this morning! I realize that in the grand scheme of things, our time at Children's this morning is not a huge deal. We've experienced much bigger deal, scarier days. But the fact that so many of you are willing to carry our burdens for Judah with us, pray for him and for us, feel the weight of our concern for him and his anxiety - all of it. Guys, thank you! Thank you, Family. Thank you, Friends. Thank you, Church. Thank you, Miss Leamon's class all the way in Hungary! I'm humbled, again, to experience this community and the power of prayer! 

Love you guys! 

Here we go again...

 In the last 4 years or so I have said no to a lot of medical things for Judah. Primarily the more invasive tests/procedures, but also major ortho/dental work and things like that. Judah deals with a lot of medical trauma and anxiety, and he needed an extended period of time with only easy and positive experiences. Lots of successes. Minus the lab, of course, but he did have a major victory there last month so can I get a HALLELUJAH! 

In the last 18 months his kidney function has declined, and because of his kidney disease and poor health in that entire area of his body, we need to do something about it. On May 11 Judah will undergo 2 tests/1 procedure, 1 of which will happen in the OR so he can be asleep for it. Because his mama wasn't having it any other way on this one. And the other one will happen upstairs in Urology after he's awake. Without going into detail about what these urology tests entail, I will say that they are invasive, uncomfortable, and the times he's had these in years past have been largely unsuccessful and traumatic. For both of us quite honestly. However, it appears that either Judah's kidney reflux is back, or there is an obstruction. We've gotta know what's happening in there so it can be addressed and his chronic kidney disease can be maintained at a Stage 2. 

I would be lying if I said I felt totally fine with this and confident that everything was going to go well. Thanks to my time with Fresh Start a year and a half ago, I'm able to recognize the anxiety I'm feeling that's rooted in past trauma. I can call it out for what it is, and lean into Jesus and deal with it. It's really hard, and those old feelings of fear are very real. 

We haven't told Judah yet about his upcoming appointment.. We've learned that he does better when he doesn't have a lot of time to dwell on something. But it also helps when we have time to talk through something a few times before it happends. So there's a sweet spot there of not too soon but not too late.

I'm praying for Judah's heart. I'm asking the Lord to prepare his heart for what's coming, but also to give him peace and a very real assurance that Jesus is with him, and it will be ok. I'm praying that he will be calm, and that he won't experience the normal amount of fear and anxiety. I'm also praying that these 2 tests will go as quickly and smoothly as possible, and that they will be successful, giving the doctors the information they need. 

And, of course, I'm spending time with Jesus for my own self. I don't want even the tiniest bit of my own anxiety to be communicated in any way to Judah, so I'm trusting God to walk me through dealing with that, and I'm trusting Him to completely take the anxiety and fear on that day and replace it with peace and confidence in God's care for Judah. 

I'm reminding myself that regardless of how this visit goes, even if the worst happens, that doesn't mean that God abandoned him. Or me. It wouldn't make God any less good or kind. He is exactly who He says He is - Judah's Provider, Rescuer, Comforter, Great Physician, Redeemer, and Abba. I know that He's mine, too.

Will you pray with me in preparation for this day? For any or all of these things I've mentioned? I am so thankful for a community of people, near and far, who love and support us so well. Thank you!

The COVID and my swirling thoughts about that...

I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the last 3 weeks. I never would have been able to dream it up in a million years! Well, maybe a million. I have a pretty active imagination. But seriously. I feel like I'm living in a movie. All the schools are closed for the rest of the year. 4th quarter homeschooling is the new norm. No sports. None. Not a single extracurricular activity. Stores are either dead or packed, and always short on what I need. Wal-Mart limits you to only 2 of each item. Well that's fine and dandy for a family of 4. But a family of 7? Come on, people! I'm trying to provide for my family here! Online. Yes, online grocery shopping. That's also a new norm. I hate it, but I guess I'm getting used to it...and getting better at it. Costco can't seem to keep anything I need in their distribution center, though, so Jared has to brave the store once every couple of weeks to get whatever they have that I need. He's actually waiting in line at this very moment just to get in! 6' and elbows out we say. Ha! Funny not funny. Again. It's like living in a movie. We don't go anywhere unless we absolutely have to go to the grocery store, or I'm taking boys and myself to the chiro. E, Z, and J. We're taking walks and existing outside as the weather allows. But the sun has been hiding quite a bit lately. That's hard on me. Zoom. That's the new magic word. Let's Zoom! I'll see you on the Zoom call. I have a Zoom call today. Tonight. Later. I have to set up a Zoom. Gotta hop on a Zoom call. What teacher did you Zoom today? Did you have fun with your friends and teacher on Zoom today? I feel like the new soundtrack of my life is kids on zoom calls. Zoomzoomzoom... Zoom is a necessary thing right now, but it's not life-giving. It's a way to stay connected when everything face-to-face and personal and in-person has been stripped away. But it is NOT the same. And I actually kind of hate it a little bit. I'm trying to stay connected with my small group girls through Zoom. I'm trying to keep it light and fun and make sure they know how much I miss them and that I'm still here! But at the end of the day I'm so tired of being on front of a computer screen. Seeing people that way isn't really seeing people. The kids seem to be doing fine with their eLearning. Judah needs quite a bit of attention - keeping him on task, focused, taking breaks, helping him - I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get much done during all this extra time we suddenly have. Not to mention the fact that I have to share this Chromebook with Lydia for a couple of her classes. So, I don't always have this when I want or need it either. Sometimes sharing is hard. My heart hurts everyday for Eli. My senior. This is so hard and unfair. I have prayed for him for years - that God would do whatever it takes to get a hold of his heart and make him His man. He has stripped Eli of everything he was counting on. Things he put his hope and identity in. Things he was looking forward to, worked hard for, expected, and earned. I want God to sweep Eli off his feet and leave him with nothing but Himself if that's what it takes. But it's painful for his mama, too, and it's so hard to watch. I can't make him run to Jesus and lean hard into Him. I can't make him choose to do the hard thing and surrender. I keep praying. For all of my kids. I so desperately do NOT want this time to be wasted in their hearts. I want them to be different - more like Jesus - because of it. We're trying to be intentional with our time as a family. It's hard to come up with different things to do. It's hard to be together all the time. We live in a small space for 7 people. And we're all home almost all the time. Sometimes Eli goes for a drive. Sometimes the big boys go through a Starbucks or Scooters drive through. Sometimes the kids go for bike rides. Anything to get out a little. Z has been working out a lot and trying to get in some runs. L is running and biking. Social distance biking with her neighborhood friends. The other 3 kids have been harder to motivate to move. Although, Judah does love watching his PE teacher's videos and doing warm-ups "with" him. And he really loves doing his music teacher's activities that she's posted. I'm struggling with my depression right now. This is usually the time of year when I start going up, coming off of the down of winter and less sun. But all of these circumstances, the monumental changes, and all the accompanying emotions and feelings have thrown me into somewhat of a tailspin. I hate this. At a time when I need to have more energy, more positiveness, more good mood and hype and happy and fun to keep the kids positive and moving forward I feel tired and sad and discouraged. I'm doing what I can to reach out to my community. To connect with others. To be involved. But I'm struggling. I hate the changes that have been made to my job, simply because I can't be with kids right now. Everything I love about my CL job is gone right now. Everything about my routine and my normal has been disrupted. I feel the weight of caring for my family and the pressure of making this a positive, fun, memorable experience that the kids will look back on and love to remember. This is a lot. Just a lot that I've been processing and stuffing and trying to deal with. So I just needed to get it down somewhere. It's a jumble of thoughts. I can't even see my way through all of it right now.

BUT GOD...

God, I know You're here. I know You're sovereign. I know You're in control. I know You listen to all of my grumbling and whining and doubt. I know You see what is at the root of all of that. Fear, unmet expectations, grief. And You understand all of it better than I do. You see me. You. See. Me. You care for my heart. You are gentle and kind. You sustain me. You provide everything I need, physical and spiritual. You give me gifts: writing, a puppy, tulips, quality time with my kids, connections I wouldn't have with people in my community otherwise (SPCS Homeschool page on FB, a Westmont teacher parade through the neighborhood, intentional conversations, out-of-the-ordinary text messages), time, slow days, no plans, online books, sunshine, new pillows. God, You are good. Even when it feels like the depression is winning, You are good and You are bigger. When it seems like this isn't going to end. You are enough and You are at work.

OK. God, Your grace is sufficient for today. It's a new day that You have created. Your mercies are new and You are faithful. Thanks for this time with You...for time to vent and process and just let go a little. I know there is loss to process here, but that will come later.

I Will Not Live in Fear

I'm tempted to be fearful right now. Just downright scared, letting my mind run amok with possibilities and what-ifs and what-would-I-dos. COVID-19 is a real threat that seems like it's just around the corner. With a kiddo who is all kinds of vulnerable, the temptation to react out of fear and lose my mind to it is also very real. I tell myself everyday that I will not live in fear. Last night I had to go to sleep telling myself Truth about Who God is, who Judah and I are in Him, and how much He loves us. As is usually the case when I'm wrestling with something and processing some tough, painful thoughts, God has taken me deeper.

I know that God is sovereign. He's perfectly in control. He knows what's going to happen and not happen. He is kind, compassionate, faithful, loving, and gracious. He knows what's best. He causes what He does for our good and His glory.

The thought that I've been pondering, though, is this: do "bad" things happen (for ex. Judah getting COVID-19) simply because there is sin in the world? God knows what will happen because of that sin and He will work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, draw us into deeper intimacy with Himself. But in that scenario it almost seems like God is taking a backseat to sin. Like, He's less in control or something. Like, sin is the one in charge right now, but God will ultimately cause His purposes to be fulfilled regardless. OR, is God completely in charge and sovereign, and He causes "bad" things to happen for our good and His glory? And He will still work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, and draw us into deeper intimacy with Him? OR are both kind of true?

 I already know that my definition of "good" does not jive with God's. So the same has to be true of my definition of "bad". The question becomes, then, does God cause the "bad" in our lives...because, according to His definition, it's actually good? Would God cause Judah to get COVID-19...or would He simply allow it? Would He cause him to become gravely ill because of all of his other illnesses...or would He allow it? Maybe the verbiage isn't a big deal to most people. But to me it is. When I'm asked to trust the life of my son with Someone, you had better believe I need to know who that Someone is. Yes, I walked this road in Fresh Start, and I surrendered my sweet boy to the One Who so beautifully knit him together. But, the choice to surrender is in no way a "one and done".

So, where do I land?

I've been thinking a lot about stories lately. Judah's story, mine...how interwoven and connected our stories are. How powerful God is in our stories.

God is the Author of Judah's story. And if Judah gets sick to any degree, than that was written into his story before the beginning of time. It's not written by sin or inaction or passive allowance. His story has been written by an all-knowing, all-powerful, love-filled, grace-filled, wholly faithful, wholly trustworthy, miracle-working, redeeming, intimate, kind GOD. What is written in his story is the good that God has ordained for him, so that Judah might come to a better understanding and knowing of who God is and what deep intimacy with Jesus Christ is. So that we might have a better understanding of who God is, a deeper intimacy with Jesus. So that the world around us might see the power and glory of God the Rescuer in and through us!

So. I will not live in fear. I will stand on the Truth.

Health & Wellness Update Part II

Over the last few weeks we've been able to knock out some of these bigger appointments.

*Judah and I both love the new eye surgeon. He's young and gentle, personable and very likable. It was a good experience all around. And...NO SURGERY! When Judah gets to the point that his lids are drooping down past his pupils more than 50% of the time we'll need to move forward; but not before then! The next procedure will be a little more complex, though. When he adjusts the upper lid to bring it up more, he'll also need to adjust the lower lid to bring it up a little to prevent further dryness and damage to the eye and cornea as he sleeps somewhat open-eyed. It's a tough situation. The scar tissue that Judah was born with, rather than muscle, just causes more challenges and complexities than one might expect. But, he can see, and I'm thankful for that!

*The EKG looked great! No thickening of the lining there - so thank You, JESUS!

*We met with rehab for Judah's swallowing, etc. Not the most encouraging appointment. I didn't realize that I was really hoping she would be able to say that he'll grow out of the swallowing issues, or it will get better, or it's just a matter of time - he looks great! But no. He has low muscle tone, and that just effects everything. He may not ever get away from thickened liquids of some kind. That's really disappointing to have to admit. She assigned us some exercises to do, but that's really not going well. As in, it's not going at all. Judah hates them. And it's really hard to know if he's actually doing them correctly or not. And he hates them, so he doesn't want to do them anyway. Because he actually hates them. So, that's that for the moment.

*We had his IEP/MDT a couple weeks ago. I'm finally to the point where I can get through an IEP and not cry on the way home. Well, I've done it twice. Small victories. But they're just really hard. I always walk away feeling like I'm not doing enough. And when there's one area that just doesn't see change or progress, I feel frustrated and like a failure. This has nothing to do with his team! They are wonderful! They are affirming, have positive things to say all the way through, and wrack their brains along with us for ways to help Judah be successful. Last year his teacher sent this to me:

This has meant so much to me! IEPs are just one of those things that will be hard... 

*Other than that, Judah has been healthy this cold/flu season. Praise Jesus! 

We went to Scooters for a muffin date. Sadly, they were out of chocolate chip muffins, so he had to settle for a giant cinnamon roll instead. He didn't seem to be too disappointed. Love this kid so much!

Health & Wellness Update

It's been really, really fun to read my blog and re-watch Judah grow,discover, and develop. Hard to remember the pain, fear, and uncertainty yes; but totally worth it. God has used this blog to encourage me, to challenge me again, to inspire me, to remind me of Him, and to reveal areas of "ick" in my heart that have needed attention. He's done some pretty major work in my heart in the last few weeks, and I'm thankful. I also love being back here. How do I get paid to do this? I could sit here all day. Ha!

I've also realized that, while a lot has changed for Judah over the years, there are still some things that haven't. And I haven't been good at keeping track of those things here. It's been so long since I wrote a simple H&W update, just so people know where he's at physically and developmentally. And if there's nobody left out there, that's just fine. I'll have this here for me to compare with and remember later.

Judah's vision and eye muscles/scar tissue/development issues continue to be a challenge. We roll with the changes that need to be made as he grows, trust Dr. Legge's (ridiculously thankful for and LOVE this dr. so much to this day!!!) judgment, and "wait and see" on how his muscles and vision will do as he gets older. We have a consult with a new eye surgeon this month to talk about the possible need for a lid revision. Over the last year - more so in the last 6 months - I've noticed that Judah's lids seem to be getting droopier again. At our 6 mo. check in January Dr. L. agreed. He seems to be having to work harder to keep those lids up and they seem to droop farther down than they used to when he's relaxed. The right side is definitely worse. We'll see what the surgeon says. If there's an alternative to surgery, I'll take it!

Judah's kidney disease is managed well, and his kidneys continue to be as healthy as they can be! I've been reading from 2010, when Judah got the G-button, and my feeding goal for him. One of which was to get him on a complete oral diet and get rid of the button! Well, here we are 9 1/2 years later, and we still have that stinkin' button. Judah eats well, but can't drink the necessary 60+ fluid oz. he needs a day to keep his kidneys hydrated. I've stopped even thinking of a goal for an exit strategy for the button. Especially since May, when another Diglutition study showed that Judah was silently aspirating again. Who knows for how long. He can't eat or drink anything less than a honey-thickness. Not sure what the timetable for this is. But that has directly impacted the amount of fluids he takes in independently. AND he will only drink light blue Gatorade. That is all. We're meeting with a specialist in this field in a couple of weeks so we can learn some exercises and strategies to help strengthen that part of his anatomy, and hopefully move to a nectar-thickness or less...please, Jesus. I would love to think that he'll grow out of this, and be stronger later. But I just don't know that that's part of God's plan for him.

Related to the kidneys, he had an EKG last week. Let me back up a minute. Judah has high blood pressure, because of the kidney disease. The medication works, his school nurse checks his BP once a week, and he's stable. BUT high BP can cause a thickening of the muscle around your heart, because your heart is working harder because of the increased blood pressure. So, his Nephrologist said it was time for the EKG to make sure his heart is in good health. Haven't heard back yet. That was just Friday. But, in this world, no news or slow news is usually good news.

Judah's urology health has basically plateaued, and he's in a good spot. We do still have one major challenge in this area. For the sake of his privacy and dignity, that's all I'll say.

This little stinker is growing like crazy! He's caught up to his peers in size, and he eats all the time! He loves to snack on bread, cheese, yogurt, and peanut butter. He is a Stewart after all.

Developmentally...in some ways, he's a typical 10 year old. He loves to be with his friends and family, he loves school and video games, and he doesn't like showering or going to bed. Usually. But, as Judah gets older, the gap between his emotional and social development and his peers' widens. And as school gets tougher, he continues to struggle. He's on grade level, and he works HARD! And his sped teachers work HARD! Buuut...he's really just not your average kiddo. Some of the most unique things about him are things I love the most; but they're also things that can be conspicuous and make him vulnerable. I am beyond thankful for the community God has surrounded Judah with! He is loved and accepted and wanted! And, for the most part, the kids around him are kind and patient.

We're moving forward with orthodontics. I've been content to put this off as long as possible...and even push past that...but they tell me it's time now. Judah will have several teeth removed before having the 1st of 2 appliances put in his mouth to begin widening the roof of his mouth. This is an area that I have to constantly remind myself to trust the Lord with. I don't have grace for these appointments yet, but I will on those days. And so will Judah. I have a lot of anxiety about how Judah will handle all of this. And I don't know how to help him right now. Besides watching other kids go through the same things on YouTube so he can see what's going to be happening. This will be a looooong road for him, with lots of different procedures and appointments and "new". So, Jesus, take the wheel.

I think that's all for now. Except for this:

These appts. with Dr. L. can be super long. But Judah is the best sport there is. So patient and chill and happy to be on my lap, or reading a book or mag., or watching PBS on the T.V. Love this silly kid.