My Bubble Burst

I think I've been living in some kind of bubble. Maybe that's not right, but these last several weeks I've been able to really enjoy Judah and set aside a lot of the uncertainties, hurts, and fears that have been so present in my daily life. I know that God allowed that and I've thoroughly enjoyed the rest that enjoyment brought! I'm just not really sure what happened. Reality seems to be crashing in on me at an alarming rate...or maybe not so much reality in general, but the reality of what's coming. It's the reality of living with a little boy with special needs. I don't need to know the specifics of those special needs to know that life will not be easy. I guess it's been settling into my brain since my last visits with Dr. Bonebrake and Dr. Puccioni. Even if everything with Judah turns out to be best-case scenario, life will still be extra busy and there will still be pain, uncertainty, and fear. Of course it would be great if Judah were born with his brain in stable condition with no need for immediate treatment; but we're still facing MRIs, lots of doctor appointments, and the fear and uncertainty of when he would make a turn for the worse and need a procedure. His cleft lip is a big deal and will need surgery (or surgeries); and then, of course, there's recovery and everything that involves. And when will we have to deal with his fingers? Sooner? Later? That's another procedure. The genetics specialist will be doing tests and blood work. What else will that include? I feel so bad for my baby...my tiny, helpless, perfect baby boy. And there's nothing I can do to change the fact that he will start life with such hurts. My midwife told me today that if I go into labor anytime after 34 weeks they won't stop it. It would be better for him at that point to be out, rather than in. I'm not so sure. I'd keep him in there for the full 42 weeks if they'd let me. Anything to give him some kind of help! O.k., so up to this point I feel like God has helped me to cope with and handle all of this with grace and confidence. I know He has! Today I just kinda feel like He's taken a step back. I'm not so easily feeling His presence. I know He hasn't left me alone. As a matter of fact, He's put 2 other mom bloggers into my life who have gone through cleft lip "journeys" just a few months ahead of me. And the little boy even has a rare syndrome. It's a beautiful thing to be able to share things like this with other moms who know...still, I don't like feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, scared, sad. I don't like just knowing the truths of Christ, I want to feel them, too. I want to feel God beside me, assuring me that everything really will be o.k. and that this really is the best thing for Judah and our family...and we really will be so much better, stronger, and know more joy because of anything and everything that Judah brings with him. So that's the problem: all the "right" feelings are missing and all the "wrong" feelings are definitely present. Lord, I'm gonna start getting desperate here pretty quick. I can't do a second of this without You! Help...