Return of the Anxiety Monster

Mother's Day aside...I've been battling anxiety again over the last several days. Seems like I never get a break from this rollercoaster ride called "Expecting Judah". I make headway in one area, or have a mountaintop day spiritually, and then the next day I'm back to battling this anxiety or fighting some other emotional battle. I know that my next appointment with Dr. Bonebrake has triggered this anxiety. I'm never sure what I'm going to hear from him, or what he'll see on the ultrasound, but I've been able to set that uncertainty aside much more easily each time up to this point. Part of it is because I'm coming up on a "milestone" in this pregnancy. I know that after 34 weeks he won't stop labor, and I know that I'm more at risk to deliver Judah preterm. I'll be 34 weeks on the 15th. I also know that if Judah has a sudden increase in fluid this time they'll deliver him around 35 weeks. That's only a week after 34...and still much too early for this little one to make his appearance! I'm also concerned that he hasn't grown like he should have. 2 months ago I lost a pound, and I haven't gained any weight since. My midwife has been "strongly encouraging" me to eat an extra snack and get more protein, but I don't think I've gained anything back in the last 2 weeks since I saw her, and my belly doesn't seem to be getting any bigger. Is he getting the nutrients he needs so he can grow and thrive in my womb? If he isn't, my assumption is that he would have to be delivered early. And my contractions have changed in frequency and intensity (more uncomfortable with more backaches) since I saw Dr. B. last. So does that mean my body is already getting ready to "evict" Judah? I guess that's my biggest fear: that I won't be able to carry Judah the full 37-40 weeks. Is this some spiritual battle aimed at taking my focus off of Christ? Are these concerns valid and based on genuine maternal instinct? Maybe it's a combination of both? Jared reminded me that I need to keep my focus on today, remembering that God has given me the grace I need for this day. Tomorrow will have an abundance of grace for tomorrow...and so on and so on. He's right. He's sooo right. Easier said than done. It is a comfort to know that tomorrow, when I'm seeing Dr. Bonebrake and looking at Judah on that screen, that God has already been there. He'll be there with me, giving me the grace, and comfort, and confidence in Him that I need to handle whatever the doctor might have to tell me. And hopefully, if there is bad news, our reaction will be one that is a testimony to God's grace and goodness, and will leave a lasting impression on Dr. B. But, oh, for good news tomorrow. Please, Lord! Because right at this moment, I'm just not sure that I can handle any news that means Judah comes early and spends the first several weeks of his life in the NICU.