Monday, May 4, 2009
Ugh.
Jared & I were doing so well in the beginning...our relationship was strong, withstanding the weight of grief and uncertainties over Judah. I'm not sure when the shift began. But today, between Jared's job demands and all I anticipate with Judah, I'm pretty sure I just might fold after all. And little pieces of our relationship are coming with me. I just don't think I can really do this. And why would God give Jared the passion for youth ministry - a job that is incredibly demanding and takes him away from home often - and then throw a special needs child on top of that? Not to mention the fact that He put Jared's dream job far away from any family, specifically Grandma & Grandpa, and then threw a special needs child on top of that. And why do I feel this weird pressure that I should be handling all of this differently? Like I'm supposed to be sort of over the fact that Judah is special and just move on with life like everyone else. That of course I should expect to be fully adjusted to having him just a couple months after he's born...I mean, a 4th child is a 4th child no matter what they bring with them, right? Life is unfair. But the really unfair part is that it only seems to be unfair for a select few. Boy, what a pleasure to be among the elite.
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Thanks for sharing what you're feeling, Bethany.
ReplyDeleteJay and I talk a lot about lament and grief (he did his thesis on lament even) and how it is right and necessary for Christians to grieve and lament.
I think you'll have times of just sitting in the pain of what's happening (as those before us sat in ashes) and days when things seem a little brighter...and neither is more right than the other.
I think of the Christian life as one that has an undercurrent of joy running thru it at all times, but I think there's also an undercurrent of lament -- things are not as they should be...ever since sin entered the world, things are not as they should be, and you're experiencing a huge manifestation of that...little Judah should NOT have to go through this, and that's so painful and hard.
I've been following a blog for a while now of a woman whose son was diagnosed in utero with a heart condition...she was told he wouldn't live. He's now 6 months old and just underwent heart surgery.
She just wrote a blog post about the time when he was sick inside of her and the most recent part of their journey called "Finding a New Normal" -- I thought of you when I read it...
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/04/finding-new-normal.html