The latest

I love how God works. I mean, sometimes it really stinks and I hate it...but I really love it. I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm discouraged, I'm frustrated, I'm afraid, and I think that I just can't do this anymore. So, I ask God for help. It doesn't come fast enough. Or He seems to be silent. But then I have a day that's not quite so hard, or someone sends an email or makes a call, or God brings a promise or a verse to mind, or He heals in another area or way, and I realize that He really is there and He didn't even take His eyes off me or Judah for a second, much less actually move away or leave!

God has brought healing to Jared's & my relationship. I've gotten some extremely encouraging emails and phone calls. God reminded me that this is not really about us. We told Him a long time ago that whatever would bring Him the most gory is what we want; we want His will. So, this is about Him and what He has chosen to do in and through us. And He encouraged me with Scripture from Lamentations and Romans. So even though I was nervous going to my appointment today, and it was really hard facing all the possibilities again, I was able to give it to Him, knowing that He was there with me and I had all the grace I needed to get through whatever we might be faced with.

Overall the appt. was good. All of my concerns were laid to rest. I even gained a pound! (Never thought I'd be so happy about gaining weight!) Judah went through a pretty good growth spurt - yay - and is right where he needs to be. We talked a lot about my contractions, and I have very detailed instructions about what to watch for and when to call. All the contractions and discomfort I've been having, though, are pretty normal at this point, so there's no concern about preterm labor yet. And Judah's ventricles are still stable. Thank You, Jesus!!! At this point we can anticipate that Judah will be born full term. At my next appt. (3 weeks from now) we'll be talking about head size. Judah's head measured 2 weeks ahead of his gestational age, so depending on what that looks like next time, I may have to be induced early. Worst case scenario would be a c-section because his little noggin might be not so little. We'll see. Anything is possible and I'm trying to be prepared for anything. However you do that when you're talking about a special needs baby!

There was something unexpected that came up. Judah's testicles haven't descended into the scrotum yet. In a "normal" boy this wouldn't be cause for concern, because sometimes that just happens a little later. However, Dr. Bonebrake mentioned that sometimes in situations like ours, the baby's genitals will not have formed correctly or completely on the outside. We didn't pursue that any further, though, because there's no way we can know anything for sure until after birth. That's just another thing added to the list of anomalies to evaluate after birth...poor boy. And something else specific to trust the Lord with.

The really hard part of the visit was at the end during our Q & A time. I don't know why I never put 2 and 2 together, but I always thought that when Judah stayed at the hospital after I left that's when he would be moved to the NICU. I actually feel kind of dumb that I never realized before now that that's not the case. I was devastated to find out today that, barring some unforeseen emergency during or after delivery, we'll have only a few minutes with Judah before they take him down to the NICU. My whole stay at the hospital will be different from what I was anticipating. I have to let go of him much sooner than I thought I would. That's what this whole pregnancy has been about. Letting go...of dreams, expectations, control, and finally just having to let go of Judah completely. He belongs to the Lord. I know that. I just want to hold onto him, though, and not have to let go of him physically. I know he'll get amazing care. I can breastfeed him (or die trying), have all kinds of skin-to-skin with him, see him anytime; but I just don't get to have him with me. I can't sleep with him in the hospital, show him off to visitors, wear him in the sling, hear every new little sound he makes, give him his first bath, hold him in my room when his brothers and sister come to see him for the first time. I still hold on to the fact that God will be with me, giving me grace and strength, and loving me in ways I can't imagine right now. But this still really hurts. And again, while I praise God for the good news we heard today, I still can't help but wish just a little that this weren't my baby.