The reality is...

My son is special. I think the reality of that is starting to really sink in. I keep envisioning seeing him and holding him for the first time...but the picture is different this time around. My little boy's upper lip is split and there are 12 fingers, not 10. And who knows how big that head will look on such a little body! (Although, in my imaginings, that head is always covered in red hair!) Today we added some more reality to the picture. We met the charge nurse & toured the NICU. It was good. Didn't make anything easier, but it was good. I asked lots of questions, and got lots of information and lots of, "we'll have to see how he presents" or "we'll need to wait until we know some test results". We also saw one of the "rooms" - a small space with a small fridge, a recliner, a counter, a bulletin board and white board for notes and pictures/drawings from the kids, all kinds of equipment, and a privacy curtain. As I was processing everything later, I kept thinking that my baby was going to be in that special bed like one of those "sick" babies...and then it finally dawned on me that he is one of those babies. It's so surreal. I just can't seem to fully wrap my mind around all of the information that we have about Judah and make it seem real. I know it is, but I just can't imagine what this is going to be like...besides really hard and really sucky and really life-changing. Besides today, though, I've had a sort of reprieve from some of the sadness and anxiety, because the excitement of being so close to having him here is overriding that. I just can't wait to see him!!

God has also been using music from the last 3 Sunday mornings to comfort and encourage me. He's brought me back around from some dark days to bask in the light of Who He is! He's used these songs to remind me that He is Who He says He is, He never changes, and all things are for His glory; because of Him I am changed, and His love, grace, and faithfulness will never fail me! I'm thankful for these days, because I know that this is a time to "store up" these truths and "warm fuzzy" feelings for the hard days ahead. The roller coaster still rides on. I feel confident in the Lord and in these truths, but then at the same time I still battle anxiety and fear. It's a weird thing to experience such contrary emotions at the same time on a regular basis. I wonder if and when this ride will ever end.

I saw my midwife on Friday and things are moving right along! At 36 weeks & 1 day I was 1+cm, 80% effaced, and Judah's head was almost at 0 station. (I guess normal at 37 weeks is only 1 1/2 cm and 50% effaced, but that's never been my norm, so I guess I'm right on schedule for me!) It was exciting to hear that I had already started progressing. Today at Dr. Bonebrake's Judah looked stable. His head stayed at 2 weeks ahead of schedule, so no change there - thank You, Jesus! Dr. B. would love for me to deliver around 37 1/2 to ensure a safe vaginal delivery (although I already know there's no guarantee there), but he'll let me go as long as 39. On Thursday morning (I'll be exactly 37) I see the midwife again, and he sent an order over to her to strip my membranes to help things continue to move forward. The last time I had stripped membranes at 37 weeks, 2 cm, and 80% effaced I had a baby 2 1/2 days later. Am I ready to have a baby this weekend? Uh, no!! Would I love to have a baby this weekend? Absolutely!! Like I said, I can't wait to have this baby boy in my arms. I'm scared to death and don't want to walk this road of pain and uncertainty with him; but this baby is the one that God created specifically for us and nothing can change the fact that I am madly in love with him and he belongs with us!