Too tired to listen

My heart is still singing, but I'm just too tired to hear it. All that "happy" is being drowned out by the stress of having Judah in the NICU STILL! He's still making such great progress. The report from the dr. every day is very positive. He's very pleased with his progress and rate of improvement. Judah is doing better and better at the breast, and taking more from the Haberman (his special bottle) almost every time he gets it. And now he can oral feed any time he shows hunger cues, not just 4x a day. He's so close to coming home. We've got a 50/50 chance of bringing him home this week. It will probably be more like early next week so we can bring him home without his NG tube. That's a very good thing...we're almost there. God has his homecoming date decided already, just like his birth date was, so I can rest in the fact that it will be the perfect day. We won't miss it, it won't be late or early. The problem is, I'm not sure I can make it to that day. I thought I was already under the max amount of stress that I could handle. Apparently I was wrong, because the longer Judah is in the NICU, the more stressed out I become...and just all-over-tired. And it's not just having Judah in the NICU; the stress is hitting me from all sides and from every angle. I'm trying so hard to trust the Lord and just take it a day or an hour...or even a minute...at a time. I've just never experienced anything like this before, and the weight of it is just about enough to knock me over and keep me down. Judah is doing awesome; but I feel an immense amount of pressure to be there for any and every feeding that I can, on top of the intense desire I have to be there with him all the time already. This is my baby, my son, and I want to do everything within my power to get him home! And that "everything" is my being there to feed him as often as possible. Not to mention being there to bond with him, love him, and care for him to the best of my ability while he's there. But then, of course, that leads to the stress that comes from the home front. The Boys are actually doing really well. My Little Man has had a couple of extra emotional meltdowns; but overall, both of them are handling everything like pros. It helps that they're able to be involved and see Judah and hold him. They do miss him, though. The little Princess, however, is beginning to react to my stress and crazy-busy schedule. She's only 2; of course she's struggling! I understand and I feel so bad for her. But I'm just so incredibly torn between...my home life and my NICU life. I guess that's the simplest way to phrase that. I haven't even mentioned Jared. We're so "apart" right now. Work, taking turns with the kids so we can see Judah, taking turns in the waiting room with Lydia, housework, running back and forth to the hospital alone at night while Jared stays with the kids. The to and from is so hard. Sometimes I just don't want to run up there again. And then I feel so guilty because that's my boy up there. I want to be with him. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I miss my older kids and Jared; I miss Judah; I miss being at home; I miss feeling rested. I miss feeling whole. My family is fractured, so that's how I feel. Kind of broken...definitely a feeling of not being right. I don't feel like myself. So what do I do with this? How do I take this to God? Obviously He knows all of these feelings intimately, and He understands them even better than I do. But there isn't really a "fix" here. This is life right now. I guess I just don't know how to deal. Matthew 6:25-34 just doesn't cut it right now. It's too...cliche or something. Can I say that about Scripture? Well, there it is. I feel like I need something deeper from Him. I need...Him. Just Jesus. Boy, I think I just go to the heart of the matter here. I think I feel lost and like I've lost Him in all of this...or maybe He's lost me? But I know He hasn't. I think what I'm missing and longing for is that sense of His presence. Feeling Him in the midst of all of this. Because then I think I could handle everything better. If I could just feel Him right here with me then maybe I wouldn't be almost paralyzed and overwhelmed by this stress. I want to physically feel Him lift the weight of this burden. No, I want to want Him more than I want relief from this. But I'm so far from that. I know that He, His grace, is carrying me through each day; I would have buckled already otherwise. But this is a time when, honestly, His grace seems like it might not be quite enough. I read that and it just confirms to me that I really do need Jesus more than anything. If I'm so "lost" that His grace seems even a tiny bit insufficient, than I need HIM more than I even realize. So, back to the basics. Jesus is with me. Jesus loves me. I think that's enough for the moment.