Some thoughts...

I'm supposed to be taking a nap right now. I am so busted when Jared reads this! My body is exhausted, but my mind and heart are so full right now that trying to sleep seems a little ludicrous right now. Maybe if I just get a few thoughts down I'll be able to turn off my mind for a bit and get some sleep. Today is another good day for Judah. We had a great report from the dr. this morning, and we are so encouraged by and overjoyed at his progress! I'm so full of emotions that I don't always know where to go with them...so this is usually where I end up. I've been encouraged by 2 verses today that were sent to me in cards. I wish I could say that I found them. But my time with the Lord has changed over the last week. It's gone from time spent in His Word or in worship at church or in my car to desperate and impassioned pleas for help. I have had moments when I really believed that His grace was not enough to carry me through to the next moment. I don't know how He does it, but somehow He did carry me through, and I made it to the next moment. Some moments I believed that I would completely crumble and not be able to stand up under the weight of the burden I carried for my son. But again God somehow help me up, lifted the burden, and enabled me to stand. I can only continue to conclude that regardless of what I face each day, God's grace really is sufficient for me that day, that hour, that moment and on into the next. Knowing this, having tested this and experienced it, gives me confidence to believe that should God decide to bring Judah Home to be with Him sooner than later, I will have the grace I need to endure, and the Hope to carry on. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever." We're in the midst of the wailing, but God has given us many moments over the last couple days of dancing, too. We have experienced intense joy, we have sung praises to Him, and we do thank Him. We'll experience this verse in many ways many times over in the days, months, and possibly years to come with Judah. But I look forward to the day when this verse becomes fully true, and we are Home, Judah is whole, and we are truly dancing, singing, and praising for the first time and for the rest of time! Isaiah 46:4 says "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." This is so precious to me. The pressure is off. Judah is solely God's responsibility, loaned to me to love, treasure, and enjoy for a time. He is God's. The Lion of Judah's little cub. And I am His responsibility as well. He WILL sustain me. He WILL carry me. He WILL. That's all for now. Oh wait, one more thing. Jared reminded me that in a blog a couple months ago I said that we had decided we wanted God's glory more than anything. If he was born healthy and whole, or if he was born "special" - whichever brought God the most glory, that's what we wanted. We now have the answer to that question. Somehow Judah's life will bring more glory to the Lord broken and vulnerable than it would have whole and strong. I don't understand that. But I choose to believe that God sees the big picture. He knows what is best. He loves me and Judah beyond comprehension. He is GOOD - a good that is defined by Him, not me. Alright, that's really it now. I'm going to bed now...Dear.