The Ache

I miss Judah. I REALLY miss him. I miss everything about him...everything that's supposed to be happening now that I just had a baby. I miss having him inside me. I never experienced that with my other kids. When they were born I was too excited to have them to miss being pregnant with them. But every night when I lie down with Lydia to tuck her in I miss him. That's when he would get really active and start kicking me and waking up for the evening. It's just not fair. I feel like I've been robbed. I've been stripped of all the beautiful, wonderful, precious things that I should be experiencing each day with my baby boy. And I'll never get this time back. His first days, weeks, month, maybe months, will never be mine. They belong to his nurses and doctors...I only get moments in between. I miss hearing his tiny baby noises when he's sleeping. When I lie down at night, I feel the separation from him even more acutely, because my body longs to feel his curled up with mine. He should be with me, safe and secure, sleeping in my arms, nuzzling all night. I should be able to smell him, listen to the sound of his breathing, just watch him sleep and be in awe of this perfect little creation, God's gift to me. I miss hearing him cry, and being there to pick him up and make his world right again. I'm not there to meet his needs, to comfort him, to reassure him, to just love him. I miss wearing him in the sling. I miss being able to kiss him whenever I want. I miss him. It's an ache that never really goes away. And it just isn't right. I mean, I know this is just a short chapter in the story that God is writing for Judah and for me; I know this has been part of His plan since the beginning of time. And I know in my head that this is God's good. Somehow this is good. But in my heart there's just a hurt. It hurts to even acknowledge that this is God's good...because then I have to believe that He's right. And I do. But I still just want my baby. I want this part of the grief to be over. There will always be a part of me that grieves over the loss of a normal childhood for Judah. But I can deal with that. It's this sometimes paralyzing grief, this stress, strain, and pressure that I'm not sure I can make it through sometimes. I have never been through something so hard. I have never ached like I ache for my son. Sometimes I'm so busy running back and forth to see him and taking care of the other 3 and trying to spend time with Jared that I don't feel the ache so acutely. But there are days when I miss him so intensely...no amount of busyness can distract me from it. God, help me. I can't survive a second of this without You.