More surprises

Mom and Dad arrived on Wednesday night and hugged us tighter than we've been hugged for a long time. It was such a relief to have them there. Then, finally, it was Thursday, and we were trying to prepare ourselves for the worst...while still holding on to the hope that the specialist would see things differently, and it wouldn't be as serious as they thought. I was so nervous. All throughout the ultrasound I kept watching this little boy kick and squirm, thinking that he looked fine -there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with him! Then they switched over to the 3D imaging. That was so incredible! All of a sudden I was actually looking at my baby, what he really looks like! And there was his cleft lip. My protective mothering instincts kicked into overdrive, and all I could see was that my beautiful baby boy was vulnerable and would start life at a disadvantage. He was so perfect to me, though, and everything in me just wanted to hold him and kiss him and love him. I just wanted to make everything better for him. We watched him open and close his mouth and stick out his tongue. It was priceless. I couldn't stop saying how beautiful he was. After that Dr. Bonebrake came in to do more of the ultrasound himself and tell us what he was seeing. There's no way I was prepared for what he was going to tell us. He confirmed everything we were told at the first ultrasound on Monday, but also told us he saw 6 fingers on each hand. He was compassionate and gentle as he told us that he was concerned about a chromosomal defect, possibly Trisomy 18. What is that? An extra 18 chromosome; a defect so severe that our little boy would not survive the rest of this pregnancy, or after birth if he made it that far. He told us our chances were that it would be something else; but it was a possibility. He looked me in the eyes, put his hand on my shoulder, and told me this was not my fault. There was nothing I could've done differently, these things just happen. That meant so much to me. It felt good down to my soul. And then I was getting prepped for an amnio. I couldn't stop shaking. I was trying to keep my tears in check. Jared was standing beside me with his hand on my shoulder, or holding my hand, offering me a strength I certainly didn't possess in those moments. And then it was over. The staff was offering us sincere apologies, treating us with compassion. And before I knew it, we were back in our van, struggling to process and fully comprehend everything we had just heard and gone through. Jared decided we should keep the Trisomy 18 to ourselves. No need to burden anyone else, especially our parents, with this terrifying possibility. It was a good decision. But that meant that we were holding onto God more desperately than ever as we spent the next 30 hours waiting for the initial amnio results to come back and tell us whether or not we'd be bringing our little boy home in June. It was an enormous burden to carry between the 2 of us...which is what compelled us to cry out to God all the more. We couldn't possibly do this. And we didn't have to. As I look back, I see that God carried us.