The wait

I don't like remembering that period of time between Thursday and Friday. It's the most difficult wait I've ever experienced. And the possibilities I was trying to digest were by far the most painful and terrifying. Bits and pieces from those 30 hours are flying through my mind as I reflect on all that happened. I've never spent so much time on the phone. My cousin Amy was a lifeline to me. She encouraged, prayed, cried, supported, loved, and even laughed. She was medicine for my heart. There were so many, many tears. Fear. Desperation. Trying to be a "normal" Mommy to my other 3. Talks with Mom & Dad. Communicating through email. Making 40 candles with Mom. Prayer. Realizing that God is there. God's grace is real and tangible. It was during that time that we began to realize how God had gone before us and orchestrated things for us so we could get through this. Back in November we made the tough decision to put our kids on Medicaid. We didn't want to do it, but almost felt like we didn't have much of a choice. 3 months later we were thanking God for providing for us in that way, because the medical bills we had already incurred would have been overwhelming to us. And we were anticipating many more medical bills to come. My parents were coming to spend the weekend with me and the kids while Jared was on the ski trip. 2 days before they were set to come I had my first ultrasound. They were here for this weekend. And Jared's decision to stay home from the ski trip. We didn't know what the specialist would say, but he decided to stay. God knew we would need each other. And we did. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would have to face the very real possibility of losing a child. It still hurts to think about. Jared said that we know God loves us, He's faithful and in control, He has His best for us, and we know that we can trust Him. I told Him that's all well and good, but I never thought God would touch one of our children. He said that this baby isn't ours. I was so mad at him...but what he said was right and I needed to hear that. God brought comfort to me through my husband's strength and conviction. Still, I struggled a great deal. All I wanted was for my baby to be o.k. I didn't care what kind of special needs he might have, I just wanted him! I couldn't imagine carrying my little boy, knowing all the while that it would end in good-bye before we could even say hello. And then I would wonder if it would be better for him to go Home anyway, if he were going to be born with severe deformities or handicaps. And then I would be shocked that I could even think that. Emotional turmoil is a mild term for what I experienced in those hours. And yet, now that I look back and remember all of this, I see so clearly God's grace and faithfulness to us during that time. I always thought that poem "Footprints" was a little cliche, but not now. God carried me. It was during this time that God's grace became more real to me than ever before. He actually enabled me to say "Your will, not mine". He gave us a name for this little boy. Judah Matthew. "He (God) shall be praised" & "Gift of Yahweh". He gave us the grace to say and mean that no matter what we would praise the Lord and thank Him for the precious gift of this new life. And then late on Friday afternoon we were thanking and praising the Lord that this little life would indeed continue on. No Trisomy 18!! Not even Down Syndrome!! I didn't care that the rest of the results wouldn't come until several days later. All that mattered was that Judah was going to be o.k. I would hold him in my arms and welcome him into the world, and into our family. I would hear him cry, feel his baby soft skin, look into his eyes, kiss his tiny mouth. It was time to celebrate!!!