What I've Been Missing...

I've been missing this space. This one little corner of the universe that is only mine. This place where I find peace and joy and comfort and God. Well, I find these things more easily here than anywhere else. I have been writing posts in my head for days and craving a time when I could just sit down and write. I've become desperate to the point of letting Judah just lay in his crib and play his music. And I really have to pee right now, but I fear that if I get up and go, something will happen before I can get back here, and my chance to write will escape me. Enter interruption #1. Lydia just came out of her room to ask me to put her hat back in the hat drawer. She's in down time. That little stinker will come up with anything to interact with me while she's supposed to be playing quietly in her room! Some days are better than others. Anyway, what I miss...

I've been in a time of transition. Major. Some of the transition is tangible, but most is spiritual. Mental and emotional, too. But primarily "life with God" kind of stuff. Over the last few months we've very gradually transitioned (there's that word again) in day-to-day Judah stuff. Far fewer doctors' appointments, fewer questions (I think more and more it just doesn't matter what he "has"), more progress in general, and more and more distance between us and crisis mode. We lived in that place of fear, crisis, and uncertainty for so long, that I almost don't know what to feel in this place of "normal". It's weird. But what has come from these last several months of moving away from that place is a sense of missing...something. It's been extremely difficult to put my finger on something that has felt ambiguous and vague. God finally moved in my heart a couple months ago and pointed my finger at Himself...so to speak. I miss Him. HIM. The overwhelming intimacy - that indescribable sense of His presence - that I experienced with HIM all those months leading up to and after Judah's birth is gone. That almost tangible feeling of His arms around me, holding me up, carrying me, that led me to truly desiring Him more than a healthy child or an escape from the pain - that's what I'm missing. HIM. I don't want more pain. But I want more of Him. I want to experience that intimacy...and I think I'm almost desperate enough to ask for the pain if that's what it's going to take to finally get deeper and closer and more, more, more again. That's where I've been these last months.

Today I realized something pretty huge. Besides desiring Him in this way, I've been going through a lot of other heart changes, too. Growing, stretching, being challenged and pushed, questioning and straining, trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. All good things, but hard. Really hard sometimes. Making progress and really growing in one area, and then failing - MISERABLY - in others. Trying so hard to measure up, but then remembering who I am because of Who He is. "Beautiful agony" comes to mind. Here's the cool part though. In my search for more of Him, I actually missed the simple truth that He has been intimately involved in my life, effecting positive change. He's been moving and touching and healing and challenging and disciplining and grace-ing and loving me, like, UBER [Can I use that word like that? Ya, I like it there.] and I didn't even make the connection until today. Until He used an incredible woman and friend to speak incredible truth into my life. And I think I'm finally starting to get it...a little bit. I'm in a great place right now. What better place is there to be but at the feet of Jesus begging for more of Him? But on the flip side of that, I think that I'm in process. I've had a vague sense of being on the verge of something. Something great I think. Now, because of my friend (who literally gets more beautiful every time I see her...seriously, you do) I believe that God is refining me and teaching me because He really does have a specific plan and purpose for ME. To think that He would invest in me and then use me for His design and purpose is so humbling; but I think that's where He's going with all of this. Sitting here right now, in this moment, I almost feel like a new person! And I think I even have a little clarity.

Years ago my mentor told me that whatever it is that makes me love God more is what I need to do. Whatever it is, do that. More. For me, it's writing. God speaks to me through my own fingers. I feel "His pleasure" when I write. (I love that phrase, Christy!) Writing for me is often an intimate act of worship. It's deeply personal, and I do it because I love God and He drives me to it. But I think... I think. I think that He's going to ask me to move beyond that. I think that He's going to ask me to pursue writing that is not just for me & Him. I think... I'm supposed to be a writer.

Actually... It's so scary to say this. I have butterflies in my stomach right now. But, I think I need to accept and embrace who He has made me to be...for Him. So...

I'm a writer.

Oh, God, You are so good. And Your'e here! Thank you for meeting me here. Right now. Thank you for giving me this sense of Your presence. Thank you for giving me this outlet, this gift, that I can worship You with. You are amazing and I am awed and humbled that You have chosen to speak to my heart and breathe Your Life into me. I'm scared about what You might ask me to do with this gift that You gave me. But, God, I don't want to be afraid. And regardless, I want to obey You. Whatever that looks like.

I'm a writer.

But I'm YOUR writer.