Dependency

This has been a big part of my life lately, in different ways. After I became a mom (and my "mommy mentor" - you know who you are - built me up and encouraged me as Eli's mom) I grew very dependent on my mothering skills and instincts. On my ability to do what was best for Eli, because, as his mom, I was the expert on him. My confidence in my mothering skills grew with each child, and so did my dependence on said mothering skills. But something that frustrates me with Judah is this hit that my confidence has taken. I should be able to depend on my instincts - this is my 4th child for cryin' out loud! - but I feel like I don't even know Judah very well. Certainly not like I knew my other 3 at this stage in the game. So much is different...obviously. Judah is 5 weeks old and he's finally just home. I'm not able to breastfeed him for nourishment yet, just comfort, so he's at the breast a fraction of the time that he would otherwise be. He eats from a bottle, on a schedule. Totally new territory for me. He's on a lot of medication. There's so many things to watch for and be careful of with him. I want to feel confident and be able to depend on my gut, but I don't feel like I can trust my gut anymore. Frustration. Then there's this dependence on others. That's hard. Depending on others to help with the older 3; provide meals; intercede for us at the Throne. I would much rather give than receive, but I find myself on the receiving end these days. Take, take, take. The prayer part is actually a relief. I can't even pray for myself sometimes. Or get past 2-3 word prayers. So, knowing that 100s of people are praying for us, for Judah, is a beautiful part of this dependence. Then there's the ultimate dependence that should define my life. Dependence on Christ. This is the best kind, the most rewarding, the most fulfilling, the most refreshing, but also the hardest by far. Total dependence on Him would be rest. Resting on Him, trusting in Him, and simply walking by faith. Believing that He is perfectly in control and sovereign. And while I wholeheartedly believe these things, the practical application into everyday life escapes me...often. I have a sneaking suspicion that this will be a lifelong lesson that God will patiently and lovingly use Judah to teach me. It's a lesson we all need to learn anyway. It's just way "in your face" these days.