SOON...

Well, I spoke too soon. Good. That means something is actually going to happen when I was seriously beginning to wonder. I had a good talk with Dr. M. today during report. Judah is progressing, little by little, but not quickly enough to make us (mostly the dr. of course) think that he'll be able to come off his feeding tube within the next week. Dr. M. said that his best guess was that Judah had a 60/40 chance at being off in 7 days. I said another 7 days of this might just kill me. I need my baby, our family needs Judah; and he needs me and the rest of his family. So, tomorrow I start "NG teaching". Long story short, Judah should be home by Monday at the latest. There's a possibility that he could come home sometime this weekend, but the dr. said it can be tough getting the equipment we need over the weekend, so it may not be till he's back on duty on Mon. I still think that's a whole weekend too long, but I certainly can't deny the fact that God's grace is very real and He has carried me this far; He will carry me the last few steps till my little darling is in my arms at home! I wish so much that I could just be ecstatic that he's coming home...but I'm fearful and anxious as well. The feeding tube, Judah's weight gain, my ability to provide what he needs through nursing, giving him his meds, knowing how best to care for him - these are all things I'm anxious about. My confidence in my ability to mother Judah has taken a serious hit since he's been so sick and in the NICU. He's had special 24/7 care without any help from me, until recently. He's such a beautiful baby boy, with some very real special needs - I don't feel good enough for him. My head tells me to focus on today, fix my eyes on Christ, trust Him, rest in Him. But my fears and insecurities are real, overwhelming at times, and are hard to deal with. It's another kind of "torn". I'm torn between the intense desire to have my little boy home where he belongs, and the anxiety of what it will be like when he is home. I didn't really expect this. I thought that when I found out he'd be coming home I'd just be obnoxiously happy...this uncertainty is not what I asked for. Where does God fit into all of this? Well...everywhere actually. I'm realizing more and more that no matter what He allows into my life, I can't get away from Him. And He certainly won't move a fraction of a millimeter away from me, much less leave me. He's in every minute detail. And He orchestrates every one. He's sovereign. He's in control. He's good. So good. There it is. God is good. And He is allowing His good to be accomplished in my life and in the life of Judah whom He created specifically for His glory. There is fear and uncertainty; but there is God's good, and the unbelievable privilege of seeing and experiencing His good in and through the life of Judah. I can't believe He has chosen to bless me so richly. Alright. I'm ready for him to come home now.