I Will Not Live in Fear

I'm tempted to be fearful right now. Just downright scared, letting my mind run amok with possibilities and what-ifs and what-would-I-dos. COVID-19 is a real threat that seems like it's just around the corner. With a kiddo who is all kinds of vulnerable, the temptation to react out of fear and lose my mind to it is also very real. I tell myself everyday that I will not live in fear. Last night I had to go to sleep telling myself Truth about Who God is, who Judah and I are in Him, and how much He loves us. As is usually the case when I'm wrestling with something and processing some tough, painful thoughts, God has taken me deeper.

I know that God is sovereign. He's perfectly in control. He knows what's going to happen and not happen. He is kind, compassionate, faithful, loving, and gracious. He knows what's best. He causes what He does for our good and His glory.

The thought that I've been pondering, though, is this: do "bad" things happen (for ex. Judah getting COVID-19) simply because there is sin in the world? God knows what will happen because of that sin and He will work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, draw us into deeper intimacy with Himself. But in that scenario it almost seems like God is taking a backseat to sin. Like, He's less in control or something. Like, sin is the one in charge right now, but God will ultimately cause His purposes to be fulfilled regardless. OR, is God completely in charge and sovereign, and He causes "bad" things to happen for our good and His glory? And He will still work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, and draw us into deeper intimacy with Him? OR are both kind of true?

 I already know that my definition of "good" does not jive with God's. So the same has to be true of my definition of "bad". The question becomes, then, does God cause the "bad" in our lives...because, according to His definition, it's actually good? Would God cause Judah to get COVID-19...or would He simply allow it? Would He cause him to become gravely ill because of all of his other illnesses...or would He allow it? Maybe the verbiage isn't a big deal to most people. But to me it is. When I'm asked to trust the life of my son with Someone, you had better believe I need to know who that Someone is. Yes, I walked this road in Fresh Start, and I surrendered my sweet boy to the One Who so beautifully knit him together. But, the choice to surrender is in no way a "one and done".

So, where do I land?

I've been thinking a lot about stories lately. Judah's story, mine...how interwoven and connected our stories are. How powerful God is in our stories.

God is the Author of Judah's story. And if Judah gets sick to any degree, than that was written into his story before the beginning of time. It's not written by sin or inaction or passive allowance. His story has been written by an all-knowing, all-powerful, love-filled, grace-filled, wholly faithful, wholly trustworthy, miracle-working, redeeming, intimate, kind GOD. What is written in his story is the good that God has ordained for him, so that Judah might come to a better understanding and knowing of who God is and what deep intimacy with Jesus Christ is. So that we might have a better understanding of who God is, a deeper intimacy with Jesus. So that the world around us might see the power and glory of God the Rescuer in and through us!

So. I will not live in fear. I will stand on the Truth.

Health & Wellness Update Part II

Over the last few weeks we've been able to knock out some of these bigger appointments.

*Judah and I both love the new eye surgeon. He's young and gentle, personable and very likable. It was a good experience all around. And...NO SURGERY! When Judah gets to the point that his lids are drooping down past his pupils more than 50% of the time we'll need to move forward; but not before then! The next procedure will be a little more complex, though. When he adjusts the upper lid to bring it up more, he'll also need to adjust the lower lid to bring it up a little to prevent further dryness and damage to the eye and cornea as he sleeps somewhat open-eyed. It's a tough situation. The scar tissue that Judah was born with, rather than muscle, just causes more challenges and complexities than one might expect. But, he can see, and I'm thankful for that!

*The EKG looked great! No thickening of the lining there - so thank You, JESUS!

*We met with rehab for Judah's swallowing, etc. Not the most encouraging appointment. I didn't realize that I was really hoping she would be able to say that he'll grow out of the swallowing issues, or it will get better, or it's just a matter of time - he looks great! But no. He has low muscle tone, and that just effects everything. He may not ever get away from thickened liquids of some kind. That's really disappointing to have to admit. She assigned us some exercises to do, but that's really not going well. As in, it's not going at all. Judah hates them. And it's really hard to know if he's actually doing them correctly or not. And he hates them, so he doesn't want to do them anyway. Because he actually hates them. So, that's that for the moment.

*We had his IEP/MDT a couple weeks ago. I'm finally to the point where I can get through an IEP and not cry on the way home. Well, I've done it twice. Small victories. But they're just really hard. I always walk away feeling like I'm not doing enough. And when there's one area that just doesn't see change or progress, I feel frustrated and like a failure. This has nothing to do with his team! They are wonderful! They are affirming, have positive things to say all the way through, and wrack their brains along with us for ways to help Judah be successful. Last year his teacher sent this to me:

This has meant so much to me! IEPs are just one of those things that will be hard... 

*Other than that, Judah has been healthy this cold/flu season. Praise Jesus! 

We went to Scooters for a muffin date. Sadly, they were out of chocolate chip muffins, so he had to settle for a giant cinnamon roll instead. He didn't seem to be too disappointed. Love this kid so much!