So there's this one last thing that I don't think I've ever completely done business with. I've re-read some blog posts that I wrote, trying to process this loss. But I mentioned it in Fresh Start at the beginning, and "Bo" was kind enough to remind me of it this morning, and suggest that maybe I need to do business with it. These F.S. women are diligent note-takers. They miss nothing and remember everything. Ha!
I lost a breastfeeding relationship with Judah that I dreamed about. I cherished that relationship with each of my other 3. I looked forward to it with Judah. I fought for it. I begged God for it. He said no. My heart broke.
To this day, I wrestle with this. And the lack of closure in this part of our relationship effects me. I still miss nursing. I still regret not being able to share that with him. There are days when I long to have another baby - ah yeah, 10 yrs. later, 40 yrs. old and kids in high school and jr. high - because I actually crave that connection and relationship again. I grieve that loss. I realized today that I can be healed from that hurt, and I can move on and be free from that - God can give me closure - but I will probably always grieve it. And I can be ok with that. But to get to that place, I need to go through this process first.
...
.....
God, You know how hurt and angry - how devastated! - I was when I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never nurse Judah. And then, You saw how crushed, broken, and confused I was when I had to throw away all of my frozen milk because of the amount of lipase in it. God, I don't know why. I don't know why You chose to say no. I don't know why You allowed that milk to go bad. I don't know why! I can't see Your good or Your purpose in those things. I couldn't then, and I don't now.
[surrender...]
God, I offer you sacrificial thanksgiving for those things. Thank You for taking that relationship from me. Thank You for taking that milk. I don't understand it, but I choose to thank You, because You say to. It hurts to do so, Lord. It hurts.
God, You cause and allow what You do because You are sovereign. Because only You see what is for our good, and how it will bring You glory. God, I've been really angry and confused about this. Angry with You! I wanted this with Judah SO BADLY! But if I believe that You are good and trustworthy, then that has to apply here, too. God, forgive me for my anger towards You, and my lack of belief in Your goodness and in the goodness of Your plan for me and for Judah. I let this go. Heal my heart from the hurt that has been there all these years over this one loss. God, if You see fit, please give me a sense of closure. A sense of peace. I still have so many feelings of loss surrounding Judah's birth and infancy. Maybe I always will. But if I'm going to experience any change there, any healing at all, I know it has to come from You. You are the only One who is able.
Thank You.
In Jesus' Name.
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Fresh Start Reflection
My time of sharing at Fresh Start this morning was pretty amazing. After everything this process brought up, how painful it was, how stupid hard it was, I honestly didn't think it could possibly end really well. I thought it would just...finally be over, and I could be done with it and move on. If I'm honest, I didn't believe that the work would be worth it, and that I would feel any benefit when all was said and done. I was shocked to feel, after that final prayer of humbling requests and release, lighter! Relieved. Rested. Well in my soul. Every hard question, every moment of wrestling and digging, every tear really was worth it. This process hasn't changed a single thing in Judah's circumstances. It hasn't brought about any kind of healing for him, or changed how hard his life and journey is. BUT GOD has met me in my doubt, fear, and anger. In His kindness, He has shown me where I've been wrong, what attitudes and beliefs have been so wrong and hurtful to me and Judah; and He has been faithful to forgive me as I have confessed those things, and then let them go in Jesus' Name. He has graciously helped me to forgive those who have unintentionally hurt me in the past, and given me the courage to let it go and move on, knowing that I'll be hurt again. But His grace is sufficient, and I don't need to try to protect myself from hurt. He will heal and restore as I need Him to. God met me in my deep pain as I surrendered Judah to Him and thanked Him for the things that He has caused and/or allowed these last almost 11 years. These weeks of process have been so painful and really awful at times. BUT GOD is restoring my faith in Him, and has taken me deeper. He didn't have to. He doesn't answer to me. BUT GOD chose to meet me, to reveal Himself to me, to show me hard things about myself, and to start healing my heart and developing a deeper intimacy with Him. After all the thoughts and questions I threw at Him these last several weeks, it's pretty humbling that He would still choose me. So, yes, the work of Fresh Start has been worth it. And had I held anything back, my experience, while certainly less painful, would not have been nearly as full or rich. Man, God, thank You for those 3 beautiful women who created a safe space, and then - in love - pushed, challenged, listened, validated, and prayed. They are a gift.
I officially finished my process today, but I do have one more thing from the past to address. Git after it, girl.
I officially finished my process today, but I do have one more thing from the past to address. Git after it, girl.
A fresh start...
I have come to the end of my process with Fresh Start. Today I take that last step and RELEASE! I've already said how painful this process has been. And just because this is the last day that I share and officially finish my process, that in no way means I'm actually really done. I'm not naive. I know that what I've taken from Fresh Start is just the beginning. But, that's just it. It's a beginning. A fresh start as I move forward from here and continue on this journey with Judah. And Jesus. And Jared.
Here's where I'm at this morning. I've had to recognize vows and judgments that I've made over the last few years. I've had to confess wrongs that I've committed against God and Jared, and Judah, too, and ask for forgiveness. I've had to let go of things people have said that I've held onto all these years. Hurts that I've held onto, and forgive. Today in group I have to confess those vows and judgments, outloud, call myself out, and renounce them. And then replace them with Truth. I know the lovely ladies that facilitate this will remind me of things I've said, but forgotten, and will probably have much to add to what I put here. But the heart of what I've recognized are these things:
I have judged God.
"You're not at work."
"You're not there."
"This isn't Your good."
"You are silent."
"You don't protect Judah."
"I can't trust You."
"You're not meeting our needs or acting in Judah's or my best interest."
So...ultimately...I have judged God to be insufficient and unkind.
I have judged myself to be better than Jared in a lot of ways regarding Judah. I have come to believe
that I am all Judah has when things are really hard. Appointments, labs, new doctors, whatever.
I have judged myself to be Judah's protector. Like I'm enough for him...though I know I'm not.
I have effectively said that I will build walls around my heart. I won't feel. I will harden my heart
so I can't be as hurt or disappointed.
This is gross. Ugly. And I'm happy to get it out in the open and get rid of it!
The Truth?
God is always at work. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
God. Is. Always. Present. Always.
God is always good. He can't be anything but good. And right. Always.
Sometimes, it seems like God is silent. But, if He is, that doesn't mean He's absent or not at work,
or less than good or right.
God is Judah's protector. Whether I agree with or like His plan and purpose for how He protects,
the Truth is that He does protect Judah, and it is for Judah's good and God's glory that He allows
what He does. Nothing comes to Judah without first being filtered through God's loving, gracious,
kind, and sovereign hands.
God, You are trustworthy. Perfectly and always.
God - and only God - can meet our needs, and will, according to His perfect plan and purposes.
God, You are enough. God, you are kind. Always.
OK, so now I need to "entrust the person and/or situation to the Lord." "Write, in the form of a prayer, who or what you are now entrusting to the Lord."
God, Judah is Yours. Every single part of him. Every bit that I can see, and every complicated part I can't. He. Is. Yours. You delight in him as Your image-bearer in ways that I can't even begin to appreciate or fathom. God, You see his pain, his fear and anxiety, and every moment that is hard and that I wouldn't choose for him. You see it; but You also understand perfectly what he's feeling and experiencing. You understand him and know him intimately and only You know exactly what Your plan and purpose is for Judah, and why all of this "stuff" is necessary for his good and Your glory. God, only You are fully trustworthy and able. Able to protect Judah. Able to shape him and use him for Your glory. Able to meet his needs in the midst of pain and anxiety. Able to comfort him. Able to thwart the Enemy's plan to accomplish Your purpose. Able. You are able. So, because of these Truths, I can trust Judah with You. I'm laying myself down, and holding him up to You. Because You are better than me, and You are what Judah needs. God, he has a long journey ahead of him, and me with him. So many circumstances and situations that are yet to be. Some I know about now, many I'm sure will come as unpleasant surprises. God, I trust You with these. I trust You to give me wisdom as to how to comfort Judah, and walk him through a tough situation when the time comes. I trust You to continue to hold him and comfort him, using me as You see fit. I choose to believe that Your grace is sufficient for Judah and me, and that it will be more than enough at exactly the moment we need it - You won't be early, but You won't be late. I trust You with my heart, too. God, this journey with my precious son is really hard, and it really hurts a lot sometimes. It's so up and down and all over the place. The wealth and variety of emotions that I feel in just one day sometimes! God, it's hard. But, I trust You with my heart and everything it feels and experiences each day. I trust you with the really hard things that hurt me the most, that make me want to run and hide and shore up the walls around my heart so I can't hurt and feel. I trust You. And even as I write this, I know that You know that it's so much easier said than done. So, I even have to trust You to keep this work in my heart going. God, have Your way.
Here's the attitude I want to pursue moving forward:
I want to continue to step out in faith, regardless of fear or anxiety, and walk forward in obedience, hand in hand with the One Who calls me.
Here's where I'm at this morning. I've had to recognize vows and judgments that I've made over the last few years. I've had to confess wrongs that I've committed against God and Jared, and Judah, too, and ask for forgiveness. I've had to let go of things people have said that I've held onto all these years. Hurts that I've held onto, and forgive. Today in group I have to confess those vows and judgments, outloud, call myself out, and renounce them. And then replace them with Truth. I know the lovely ladies that facilitate this will remind me of things I've said, but forgotten, and will probably have much to add to what I put here. But the heart of what I've recognized are these things:
I have judged God.
"You're not at work."
"You're not there."
"This isn't Your good."
"You are silent."
"You don't protect Judah."
"I can't trust You."
"You're not meeting our needs or acting in Judah's or my best interest."
So...ultimately...I have judged God to be insufficient and unkind.
I have judged myself to be better than Jared in a lot of ways regarding Judah. I have come to believe
that I am all Judah has when things are really hard. Appointments, labs, new doctors, whatever.
I have judged myself to be Judah's protector. Like I'm enough for him...though I know I'm not.
I have effectively said that I will build walls around my heart. I won't feel. I will harden my heart
so I can't be as hurt or disappointed.
This is gross. Ugly. And I'm happy to get it out in the open and get rid of it!
The Truth?
God is always at work. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
God. Is. Always. Present. Always.
God is always good. He can't be anything but good. And right. Always.
Sometimes, it seems like God is silent. But, if He is, that doesn't mean He's absent or not at work,
or less than good or right.
God is Judah's protector. Whether I agree with or like His plan and purpose for how He protects,
the Truth is that He does protect Judah, and it is for Judah's good and God's glory that He allows
what He does. Nothing comes to Judah without first being filtered through God's loving, gracious,
kind, and sovereign hands.
God, You are trustworthy. Perfectly and always.
God - and only God - can meet our needs, and will, according to His perfect plan and purposes.
God, You are enough. God, you are kind. Always.
OK, so now I need to "entrust the person and/or situation to the Lord." "Write, in the form of a prayer, who or what you are now entrusting to the Lord."
God, Judah is Yours. Every single part of him. Every bit that I can see, and every complicated part I can't. He. Is. Yours. You delight in him as Your image-bearer in ways that I can't even begin to appreciate or fathom. God, You see his pain, his fear and anxiety, and every moment that is hard and that I wouldn't choose for him. You see it; but You also understand perfectly what he's feeling and experiencing. You understand him and know him intimately and only You know exactly what Your plan and purpose is for Judah, and why all of this "stuff" is necessary for his good and Your glory. God, only You are fully trustworthy and able. Able to protect Judah. Able to shape him and use him for Your glory. Able to meet his needs in the midst of pain and anxiety. Able to comfort him. Able to thwart the Enemy's plan to accomplish Your purpose. Able. You are able. So, because of these Truths, I can trust Judah with You. I'm laying myself down, and holding him up to You. Because You are better than me, and You are what Judah needs. God, he has a long journey ahead of him, and me with him. So many circumstances and situations that are yet to be. Some I know about now, many I'm sure will come as unpleasant surprises. God, I trust You with these. I trust You to give me wisdom as to how to comfort Judah, and walk him through a tough situation when the time comes. I trust You to continue to hold him and comfort him, using me as You see fit. I choose to believe that Your grace is sufficient for Judah and me, and that it will be more than enough at exactly the moment we need it - You won't be early, but You won't be late. I trust You with my heart, too. God, this journey with my precious son is really hard, and it really hurts a lot sometimes. It's so up and down and all over the place. The wealth and variety of emotions that I feel in just one day sometimes! God, it's hard. But, I trust You with my heart and everything it feels and experiences each day. I trust you with the really hard things that hurt me the most, that make me want to run and hide and shore up the walls around my heart so I can't hurt and feel. I trust You. And even as I write this, I know that You know that it's so much easier said than done. So, I even have to trust You to keep this work in my heart going. God, have Your way.
Here's the attitude I want to pursue moving forward:
I want to continue to step out in faith, regardless of fear or anxiety, and walk forward in obedience, hand in hand with the One Who calls me.
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
Judah at 10...and-a-half
Because that "half" is very important when you're 10. So, since Judah is now 10, I think it's appropriate to write out my TOP 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT JUDAH list.
So here we go:
Top 10 Things I Love About Judah:
1. His smile - Judah's smile is all his own. It's quirky and unique, incredibly endearing, and lights up the room. It comes so easily to him and is so freely shared.
2. His giggle - This kid has the most infectious laugh I have ever heard! Whether he's being tickled, laughing at something in a book or on t.v., or cracking up at Ezra, I can't help but start laughing myself. At times he gets the whole family laughing! Especially when he really gets going and can't stop. Oh my gosh, we've had some of the best family laughter around the dinner table when Judah has had the giggles.
3. His affection - Judah is an affectionate kid. He asks to snuggle regularly. He still loves to sit on my lap. He loves to hold hands. Just the other day he asked Ezra if he wanted to hold hands in the car. And when we drove down to get Charlie, Judah held Grandpa's hand for the full 2nd half of the trip! He's the instigator of "snuggle fests". He recruits as many family members as he can to pile on the couch together. Or he just wriggles his way in between Jared and I or his siblings and declares a "snuggle fest". He still likes to give kisses. He loves snuggling with Ollie. He gives hugs and high fives and loves to put his arms around his brothers or his mama. And he's always telling me he loves me.
4. His love for people - Judah is an incredibly social kid who loves being with people (he definitely has his favorites) and thrives on social interaction. The thing is, people completely adore him, too! He gives affection so freely, doesn't know how to be anything but completely himself, and lights up a place with his enthusiasm - how could the people around him not be impacted by that? I wish that I could engage with people the way that Judah does. He is able to openly and freely adore others and pursue them without fear of rejection or what they might think of him. He has no agenda, and no understanding of certain social "rules" and complexities. He simply is who he is and loves you because you're you. It's funny, because he knows that there are things about himself that are different from other kids, but he doesn't seem to recognize that in other "special needs" kids. He sees people. And he loves people.
5. His enthusiasm - This child LOVES life! And when he loves something. or is excited about something, he approaches it with an enthusiasm and energy that is hard to match. He dances all the time. Doesn't matter where we are or who's around. When the Spirit moves, so does he. Haha! He's got the best moves, too. He will be the president of your fan club and cheer his sweet little heart out for you! Sporting activities of all kinds, siblings and friends, competitions - he's got your back and everyone will know that he's your fan! He gets so "geeked" about the littlest things. Playing basketball outside with Ezra. Lydia babysitting. Riding in Eli's car. Watching a favorite movie. A new book. Cold lunch for school. Grandma and Gramps picking him up from school on Wednesdays. Every Wednesday. Like it's the first time every week. He knows how to get excited about something, and he goes with it. Forget about reserve.
6. His love for reading - No joke. Judah averages 3-4 hrs of reading a day. During the week. More on the weekends. He can't get enough words and information! He doesn't read stories, he reads informational texts. Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, Almanacs, Atlases, and textbooks. He devours them! He will sit with an atlas and simply read names of countries and capitals for an hour! He's amazing. BUT, the absolute best part of all that reading? His favorite book, and the vast majority of time he spends reading it: his Bible...s. I think he has 9. And he reads them all. And he retains information from them. He knows the most obscure facts from Scripture! Names, places, happenings, times - it's incredible! I am so in love with the fact that he loves. to. read.
7. His vocabulary - Naturally, a kid who reads 30 hours a week is going to have an impressive vocabulary. It's not just what he says though, but how he says it. He does NOT talk like your typical 10 yr. old. He'll use words and phrasing that a "normal" kid wouldn't, and then deliver them like he's a 40 yr. old dad or something. He's constantly making us and those around him laugh with his choice of words and delivery.
8. His smell - I know that probably sounds weird, but Judah has his own smell, kinda like babies do. I suppose my other kids do, too. Sort of. But Judah's is distinct and very uniquely his. I still love to breather it in when I kiss him while he sleeps. It's really not a sweet smell...and I'm not sure that Jared would even think it's at all a good smell...but I love it. Something about how it speaks to the connection that Judah and I have on a deeper level.
9. His vulnerability - Judah doesn't know how to be "tough" or "macho" or "fake" or anything else but who he is. When he's scared, he acts scared and comes to me like a little boy. When he's hurt, he comes to me with his hurt. When he's mad, well, you know it. He doesn't know how to try to be someone other than who he is. Being vulnerable is a really hard thing in our culture, and it's not something that is generally celebrated. But I celebrate that God created Judah to be vulnerable - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - because it's beautiful and refreshing and freeing and looks like Jesus.
10. His "imperfections" - Here's the thing. Judah is clearly different. While we are all created to be different and unique from one another, we live in a broken, fallen world, and we see some as more different from others. (I can't wait for the day when I see people perfectly like Jesus does!) Judah has "anomalies" and "deformities" and "delays" and blah blah blah. To this day, I see him as nothing but the most beautiful, precious, extraordinary little person covered with the fingerprints of God. And all of those things that make him stand out a little more from the crowd are the things that endear him to me, that make me want to fight for him harder, and that ultimately point me to Jesus. Judah was knit together by the Creator, planned down to the minutest detail, and is intimately known and loved by Him. God doesn't make mistakes. He makes masterpieces that reflect His goodness and His glory. That's what I see when I look at Judah. An original that God made for His own pleasure.
So here we go:
Top 10 Things I Love About Judah:
1. His smile - Judah's smile is all his own. It's quirky and unique, incredibly endearing, and lights up the room. It comes so easily to him and is so freely shared.
2. His giggle - This kid has the most infectious laugh I have ever heard! Whether he's being tickled, laughing at something in a book or on t.v., or cracking up at Ezra, I can't help but start laughing myself. At times he gets the whole family laughing! Especially when he really gets going and can't stop. Oh my gosh, we've had some of the best family laughter around the dinner table when Judah has had the giggles.
3. His affection - Judah is an affectionate kid. He asks to snuggle regularly. He still loves to sit on my lap. He loves to hold hands. Just the other day he asked Ezra if he wanted to hold hands in the car. And when we drove down to get Charlie, Judah held Grandpa's hand for the full 2nd half of the trip! He's the instigator of "snuggle fests". He recruits as many family members as he can to pile on the couch together. Or he just wriggles his way in between Jared and I or his siblings and declares a "snuggle fest". He still likes to give kisses. He loves snuggling with Ollie. He gives hugs and high fives and loves to put his arms around his brothers or his mama. And he's always telling me he loves me.
4. His love for people - Judah is an incredibly social kid who loves being with people (he definitely has his favorites) and thrives on social interaction. The thing is, people completely adore him, too! He gives affection so freely, doesn't know how to be anything but completely himself, and lights up a place with his enthusiasm - how could the people around him not be impacted by that? I wish that I could engage with people the way that Judah does. He is able to openly and freely adore others and pursue them without fear of rejection or what they might think of him. He has no agenda, and no understanding of certain social "rules" and complexities. He simply is who he is and loves you because you're you. It's funny, because he knows that there are things about himself that are different from other kids, but he doesn't seem to recognize that in other "special needs" kids. He sees people. And he loves people.
5. His enthusiasm - This child LOVES life! And when he loves something. or is excited about something, he approaches it with an enthusiasm and energy that is hard to match. He dances all the time. Doesn't matter where we are or who's around. When the Spirit moves, so does he. Haha! He's got the best moves, too. He will be the president of your fan club and cheer his sweet little heart out for you! Sporting activities of all kinds, siblings and friends, competitions - he's got your back and everyone will know that he's your fan! He gets so "geeked" about the littlest things. Playing basketball outside with Ezra. Lydia babysitting. Riding in Eli's car. Watching a favorite movie. A new book. Cold lunch for school. Grandma and Gramps picking him up from school on Wednesdays. Every Wednesday. Like it's the first time every week. He knows how to get excited about something, and he goes with it. Forget about reserve.
6. His love for reading - No joke. Judah averages 3-4 hrs of reading a day. During the week. More on the weekends. He can't get enough words and information! He doesn't read stories, he reads informational texts. Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, Almanacs, Atlases, and textbooks. He devours them! He will sit with an atlas and simply read names of countries and capitals for an hour! He's amazing. BUT, the absolute best part of all that reading? His favorite book, and the vast majority of time he spends reading it: his Bible...s. I think he has 9. And he reads them all. And he retains information from them. He knows the most obscure facts from Scripture! Names, places, happenings, times - it's incredible! I am so in love with the fact that he loves. to. read.
7. His vocabulary - Naturally, a kid who reads 30 hours a week is going to have an impressive vocabulary. It's not just what he says though, but how he says it. He does NOT talk like your typical 10 yr. old. He'll use words and phrasing that a "normal" kid wouldn't, and then deliver them like he's a 40 yr. old dad or something. He's constantly making us and those around him laugh with his choice of words and delivery.
8. His smell - I know that probably sounds weird, but Judah has his own smell, kinda like babies do. I suppose my other kids do, too. Sort of. But Judah's is distinct and very uniquely his. I still love to breather it in when I kiss him while he sleeps. It's really not a sweet smell...and I'm not sure that Jared would even think it's at all a good smell...but I love it. Something about how it speaks to the connection that Judah and I have on a deeper level.
9. His vulnerability - Judah doesn't know how to be "tough" or "macho" or "fake" or anything else but who he is. When he's scared, he acts scared and comes to me like a little boy. When he's hurt, he comes to me with his hurt. When he's mad, well, you know it. He doesn't know how to try to be someone other than who he is. Being vulnerable is a really hard thing in our culture, and it's not something that is generally celebrated. But I celebrate that God created Judah to be vulnerable - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - because it's beautiful and refreshing and freeing and looks like Jesus.
10. His "imperfections" - Here's the thing. Judah is clearly different. While we are all created to be different and unique from one another, we live in a broken, fallen world, and we see some as more different from others. (I can't wait for the day when I see people perfectly like Jesus does!) Judah has "anomalies" and "deformities" and "delays" and blah blah blah. To this day, I see him as nothing but the most beautiful, precious, extraordinary little person covered with the fingerprints of God. And all of those things that make him stand out a little more from the crowd are the things that endear him to me, that make me want to fight for him harder, and that ultimately point me to Jesus. Judah was knit together by the Creator, planned down to the minutest detail, and is intimately known and loved by Him. God doesn't make mistakes. He makes masterpieces that reflect His goodness and His glory. That's what I see when I look at Judah. An original that God made for His own pleasure.
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| He knows how to put together an outfit for a special day. This was "Grandfriends Day" at school. |
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| Snuggling. He loves snuggling. |
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| There are always extra snuggles during Fireworks, because we spend so much time at the tent. |
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| GEEKED! Because he got to pick out his own travel-sized deodorant. That he does not use. |
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| Snuggling the new puppy. See what I mean about that smile? |
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| This picture gets me every time. The morning of his 10th birthday. Annual IHOP breakfast with Grandma and Gramps. New Bible. Classic Smile. |
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| He couldn't contain his excitement over the muffins we made. He literally watched them bake and watched the timer count down. |
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| Snuggling. Lately, Ezra has been his favorite "snuggle buddy". And Ezra is always available. Something that's special about him. |
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| Judah loves to conduct experiments in my kitchen that I do not authorize. |
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| One of his favorite places on the planet is the Omaha Children's Museum. We took him to the one in Lincoln for his birthday. |
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| He loves participating in the Cheer Clinic our hs cheerleaders put on every fall. Doesn't matter that he's the only boy. He loves every minute of it. This year they even got pictures taken. |
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| He likes to play pretend and dress up with Lydia. This year he was an astronaut for Halloween. He wears these pajamas to bed OFTEN. |
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| Geeked about a new dictionary he found at the kid's consignment shop. |
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| Tanner is one of Judah's people that he loves the most. When he comes into view, Judah only has eyes for him. |
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| I love it when he puts his arm around me. And still that smile. |
Monday, January 13, 2020
Charles Tanner and a Reminder of Truth
First things first. For probably 3 years now I've really wanted a mini goldendoodle. A sweet little version of Ollie. For me. When I turned 40 in June, Jared "gave" me a puppy for my birthday. Air quotes, because what I got was a picture of our friends' 2 dogs who were going to be mating, and I was going to get to pick one of their mini goldendoodle puppies. Fast forward 7 months, and make a long story short, and yesterday was finally Puppy Day! We ended up getting my puppy from the breeder that Ollie came from; so Jared, Gramps, Lydia, Judah, Ollie and I all jumped into the suburban and headed to Belleville, KS to get him!
Aaand...
Welcome to the family Charles Tanner Stewart!
Charlie, for short. And Tanner for an extraordinary high school student (probably previously mentioned in this blog) who has loved and impacted Judah immensely over the last 4 years.
We are all IN LOVE! Except Ollie who's trying to figure what to do with this weird little creature who kinda freaks him out. He'll come around. Charlie is the sweetest, most lovable little thing.
Alright, now that that's taken care of...I wanted to get something down here that God impressed on my heart over the weekend. I've been processing like crazy, and re-reading this blog has been incredibly eye-opening and really challenging. I mean, not hard to read per se, but really challenging me to think and consider and realign myself with Christ.
I already made the connection - a HUGE one - that my attitude changed. I stopped asking God to rescue us IN the circumstances, and started asking Him to rescue us FROM them. Big, big difference. And over these last few years that one word difference has led to hurt, anger, disappointment. It's exacerbated my depression and at the same time lulled me into some weird complacency in my realtionship with Jesus. I don't know how to say that any better. I also stopped writing. Writing makes me love Jesus more. It points me to Him. It allows me to grieve, rejoice, question, process in a healthy way. It teaches and reminds me about God as He whispers Truth to my heart while I write. It's an incredibly effective tool that God has given me against the Enemy. And I quit. I became vulnerable. And here I am in a mess of emotions and fall out today. Obviously, this is a complex situation with tons of layers. And life with Judah will always be different in ways; but the bottom line is that I closed up and walked away from Jesus in a lot of ways when it comes to Judah. And God is taking me deep to bring me back. He's so patient. And kind and compassionate. And He never stops pursuing me. Even in these years of anger and hurt and confusion. In the times of silence. When I really thought He left us to fend for ourselves, while He just watched from a distance. I see that He has been there in every moment. The things I believed 10 years ago haven't changed. Not 1 iota. Because my God doesn't change.
Numbers 23:19 ESV
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?
Aaand...
Welcome to the family Charles Tanner Stewart!
We are all IN LOVE! Except Ollie who's trying to figure what to do with this weird little creature who kinda freaks him out. He'll come around. Charlie is the sweetest, most lovable little thing.
Alright, now that that's taken care of...I wanted to get something down here that God impressed on my heart over the weekend. I've been processing like crazy, and re-reading this blog has been incredibly eye-opening and really challenging. I mean, not hard to read per se, but really challenging me to think and consider and realign myself with Christ.
I already made the connection - a HUGE one - that my attitude changed. I stopped asking God to rescue us IN the circumstances, and started asking Him to rescue us FROM them. Big, big difference. And over these last few years that one word difference has led to hurt, anger, disappointment. It's exacerbated my depression and at the same time lulled me into some weird complacency in my realtionship with Jesus. I don't know how to say that any better. I also stopped writing. Writing makes me love Jesus more. It points me to Him. It allows me to grieve, rejoice, question, process in a healthy way. It teaches and reminds me about God as He whispers Truth to my heart while I write. It's an incredibly effective tool that God has given me against the Enemy. And I quit. I became vulnerable. And here I am in a mess of emotions and fall out today. Obviously, this is a complex situation with tons of layers. And life with Judah will always be different in ways; but the bottom line is that I closed up and walked away from Jesus in a lot of ways when it comes to Judah. And God is taking me deep to bring me back. He's so patient. And kind and compassionate. And He never stops pursuing me. Even in these years of anger and hurt and confusion. In the times of silence. When I really thought He left us to fend for ourselves, while He just watched from a distance. I see that He has been there in every moment. The things I believed 10 years ago haven't changed. Not 1 iota. Because my God doesn't change.
Hebrews 13:8 ESV
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
James 1:17 ESV
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?
Psalm 119:89 ESV
Forever, O Lord, your word is firmly fixed in the heavens.
Jeremiah 31:3 ESV
The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Psalm 102:27 ESV
But you are the same, and your years have no end.
Revelation 1:8 ESV
“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.”
Lamentations 3:22 ESV
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
So there's that. All that to say...I was contemplating the "what's next?" in my mind over the weekend. I'm moving forward in this part of the journey. All of this has been good and right, albeit difficult and painful. But what about his upcoming oral procedures and repairs? How will this look when we walk into that first appointment? How do I move forward, and move Judah forward, from here? But God...again...stepped into my thoughts. Completely interrupted them actually, and "What would 30 year old me say?" came to mind. (Envision the light bulb turning on over my head here.) I was so convinced of God's grace given generously and perfectly timed 10 years ago! 30 year old me - new mom of Judah me - would tell me to quit worrying about it! I don't have grace for that yet! I have exactly what I need for today. And tomorrow I'll have what I need for tomorrow. And on appointment day, etc. I'll have the grace I need for that. And, now that I'm thinking about it, can I trust God to give me an overabundant amount of grace that will spill over onto Judah on those tough days ahead? Can I trust Him to give Judah grace directly, in exactly the way that Judah needs it? I'm going to say yes. I still struggle to trust at the moment...but I'm choosing to believe regardless of what I feel or what I've experienced in the past. I believe that God will be enough for me and enough for Judah each day. One. Day. At. A. Time. And I will not borrow trouble for the days that are yet to be. I will choose to believe and be thankful. And joyful.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Grief at 10 Years
As I continue to process the last few years with Judah, how my approach to his illnesses and medical care has changed, how my approach to God and relationship with Him has changed, I realize that I haven't given much thought to grief. At least, not intentionally. Grief is very much a part of our lives, and it still ebbs and flows in the day to day of our "normal". But my relationship with grief is something else that has changed gradually over the years. I wrote this in October of 2009:
I believe it's one of the most effective methods God uses or allows to get our attention, to draw us closer to Himself, and to increase and intensify our desire to be Home with Him. We're supposed to live with an eternal perspective, and hurting in this life definitely serves to make me more acutely aware of that. Grief is a powerful tool that God can and does utilize to deepen intimacy with us; and then bring us to the point where we can more effectively encourage and minister to others because of the grief we've experienced and He's brought us through....eventually. The timing of that will be different for each person, in each situation. So, I've made the conscious decision to continue to embrace the grief that I experience over Judah. As well as any other grief God allows into my life, because I know that as I embrace it, and run to God with it, He will accomplish His good work in me. I will grieve, mourn, and lament as only a believer can, because I know what this world was meant to be, groans for and longs to be, and what this world will someday be. And who I will someday be!
I made a decision to embrace my grief and allow God to use it to shape me for His glory and reach others for Him. Buuut...in the last few years, as Judah has gotten older...as his fear and anxiety have increased...as I've come to believe that Judah has Complex PTSD and what that looks like during different appointments, labs, or tests...he and we have been through some really, really hard things that I can't forget. (I don't know if he remembers specific things or not.) At the time I wrote that, I couldn't have known what things we would experience or the fact that things would actually get harder in some ways as Judah grew up. But having read what I have up to this point, even if I could have had a glimpse into the future, I think I would have made the same choice. I think I still would have reached out to the only One Who could sustain and rescue and comfort.
I imagine that living with the pain of grief and the circumstances we have with Judah is somewhat like living with chronic pain. After awhile, you're just tired of it. You just want it to end. You want a different outcome, or you want to be able to have a different expectation. Some days you can rally yourself and pep talk yourself into a good day; and other days you're not sure you can take another minute, and the discouragement is overwhelming. There are good days and bad. Really good and really bad. Overall, our days are mostly good, thank You, Jesus.
When I reflect over the years of appointments, labs, tests, and procedures I see that as Judah became more aware and fearful of what was going on, I became more anxious and desperate to figure out how to comfort him and protect him from the inevitable. I started guarding my heart and shutting down the part that really feels so I could get him (and me) through the next thing. And, most recently, I have looked for ways to get out of appointments. Once upon a time, I would NEVER miss anything! Now I see myself trying to retreat into a place of "safety" so I don't have to be there when Judah is really anxious, etc. It's easy to use the excuse that he's really too big for me to hold down or still for labs anymore anyway...but the truth is that I don't want to be there to hear it. His voice tears me apart when he's panicked. And now that this is out in the open, I feel incredibly guilty that I would actually choose to stay away, not be there...that I would willfully allow him to go through something without the one person that he is closest to, wants comfort from the most, and is most understood by. (This is absolutely not an indictment of any kind against Jared or his involvement. He's an extraordinary husband and dad.)
I think I'm finding that grieving becomes more complex as the years go by. And the way I choose to deal with it directly impacts my own emotional health, my relationships, and my ability to stay in it with Jude.
Some things stay the same. It's incredible - SO MUCH FUN - to watch Judah on stage for school programs. He absolutely lights up, because he LOVES music and performing! But that moment when I see how different he is from every other kid up there... Still hard. The gap between him and his peers continues to widen in the areas of emotional and social development. How he interacts with the world around him. How he perceives things. Still hard to watch sometimes. Getting dressed, brushing his teeth, taking care of bathroom things - independence is hard for him. Not one thing comes easily or naturally to him. That's hard. It makes me sad. I will always grieve over the things he will forever face medically.
Judah just came over and sat down by me. Real close. I'm writing about grief, and he gives me a giant smile and leans in for a kiss. Then bounces back up and starts whistling for his "puppy". Side note: he recently learned how to whistle, and now whistles almost constantly. He's got about 3 notes. The kids are starting to lose their patience, so of course I remind them of all the "annoying" phases we suffered through with them. Ha! I guess Judah coming over is a "sign" that now is not the time to get too serious about this business. He's healthy right now. He's freaking hilarious. OFTEN. He completely melts my heart with his affection and tenderness for his mama. His smile. Oh my gosh, his smile!
Setting aside my thoughts on grief for today and choosing joy.
I believe it's one of the most effective methods God uses or allows to get our attention, to draw us closer to Himself, and to increase and intensify our desire to be Home with Him. We're supposed to live with an eternal perspective, and hurting in this life definitely serves to make me more acutely aware of that. Grief is a powerful tool that God can and does utilize to deepen intimacy with us; and then bring us to the point where we can more effectively encourage and minister to others because of the grief we've experienced and He's brought us through....eventually. The timing of that will be different for each person, in each situation. So, I've made the conscious decision to continue to embrace the grief that I experience over Judah. As well as any other grief God allows into my life, because I know that as I embrace it, and run to God with it, He will accomplish His good work in me. I will grieve, mourn, and lament as only a believer can, because I know what this world was meant to be, groans for and longs to be, and what this world will someday be. And who I will someday be!
I made a decision to embrace my grief and allow God to use it to shape me for His glory and reach others for Him. Buuut...in the last few years, as Judah has gotten older...as his fear and anxiety have increased...as I've come to believe that Judah has Complex PTSD and what that looks like during different appointments, labs, or tests...he and we have been through some really, really hard things that I can't forget. (I don't know if he remembers specific things or not.) At the time I wrote that, I couldn't have known what things we would experience or the fact that things would actually get harder in some ways as Judah grew up. But having read what I have up to this point, even if I could have had a glimpse into the future, I think I would have made the same choice. I think I still would have reached out to the only One Who could sustain and rescue and comfort.
I imagine that living with the pain of grief and the circumstances we have with Judah is somewhat like living with chronic pain. After awhile, you're just tired of it. You just want it to end. You want a different outcome, or you want to be able to have a different expectation. Some days you can rally yourself and pep talk yourself into a good day; and other days you're not sure you can take another minute, and the discouragement is overwhelming. There are good days and bad. Really good and really bad. Overall, our days are mostly good, thank You, Jesus.
When I reflect over the years of appointments, labs, tests, and procedures I see that as Judah became more aware and fearful of what was going on, I became more anxious and desperate to figure out how to comfort him and protect him from the inevitable. I started guarding my heart and shutting down the part that really feels so I could get him (and me) through the next thing. And, most recently, I have looked for ways to get out of appointments. Once upon a time, I would NEVER miss anything! Now I see myself trying to retreat into a place of "safety" so I don't have to be there when Judah is really anxious, etc. It's easy to use the excuse that he's really too big for me to hold down or still for labs anymore anyway...but the truth is that I don't want to be there to hear it. His voice tears me apart when he's panicked. And now that this is out in the open, I feel incredibly guilty that I would actually choose to stay away, not be there...that I would willfully allow him to go through something without the one person that he is closest to, wants comfort from the most, and is most understood by. (This is absolutely not an indictment of any kind against Jared or his involvement. He's an extraordinary husband and dad.)
I think I'm finding that grieving becomes more complex as the years go by. And the way I choose to deal with it directly impacts my own emotional health, my relationships, and my ability to stay in it with Jude.
Some things stay the same. It's incredible - SO MUCH FUN - to watch Judah on stage for school programs. He absolutely lights up, because he LOVES music and performing! But that moment when I see how different he is from every other kid up there... Still hard. The gap between him and his peers continues to widen in the areas of emotional and social development. How he interacts with the world around him. How he perceives things. Still hard to watch sometimes. Getting dressed, brushing his teeth, taking care of bathroom things - independence is hard for him. Not one thing comes easily or naturally to him. That's hard. It makes me sad. I will always grieve over the things he will forever face medically.
Judah just came over and sat down by me. Real close. I'm writing about grief, and he gives me a giant smile and leans in for a kiss. Then bounces back up and starts whistling for his "puppy". Side note: he recently learned how to whistle, and now whistles almost constantly. He's got about 3 notes. The kids are starting to lose their patience, so of course I remind them of all the "annoying" phases we suffered through with them. Ha! I guess Judah coming over is a "sign" that now is not the time to get too serious about this business. He's healthy right now. He's freaking hilarious. OFTEN. He completely melts my heart with his affection and tenderness for his mama. His smile. Oh my gosh, his smile!
Setting aside my thoughts on grief for today and choosing joy.
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Pursuing Joy Through Thanksgiving
I've been contemplating over the last few weeks the connection between Joy and Thanksgiving. I have felt very little joy in the last...well, honestly, few years probably. Battling depression has definitely played a part in that, but I don't believe for a second that I can't have depression and joy at the same time. God is the author of joy, His Spirit lives in me, and He is greater than depression. He's also greater than all my circumstances, and I believe that I can experience His joy regardless. I've just kinda lost my way. So, I'm pursuing joy by intentionally giving thanks. Those 2 things go hand-in-hand for Paul a lot. I mean, he's constantly giving thanks in all his worse-than-I-can-even-imagine circumstances and experiencing joy in the midst of them. And, I'm reminded again that God demands/desires thanksgiving from me. Again - 1 Thes. 5:18; Eph. 5:20; Ps. 50:14-15, 23; Ps. 116:17; 1 Chron. 16:8, 34; Ps. 107:1; Ps. 140:13; Ps. 109:30. When I tell my kids to do something, I can see the positive consequences that will come from their obedience. I can see the impact and how good it will be for them! God is the ultimate Parent. If He tells me to give thanks - knowing full well that I won't always feel thankful, and that it will often require sacrifice depending on the circumstances - can I not trust Him to have the same reasons for me that I do for my kids? That it's part of His best for me? That He sees how choosing thanksgiving will impact my heart and my life? Hmmm... I've never quite thought of the joy-thanksgiving relationship to this end before. I have a really hard time finishing my thoughts. Writing them down is a great answer to that problem. Anyway, all that to say, I just read a post from Sept. 2009 where I wrote down 100 things I'm thankful for. It's been 10 years since I've done that, and it's time. I am writing things I'm thankful for on my bathroom mirror. 1 new thing each day. And that's been a good discipline, but sitting here and coming up with 100 things all at once... This will be another good practice for my heart.
So, in no particular order...
1. JESUS
2. Heaven
3. Hope
4. Grace
5. Unconditional Love
6. Forgiveness
7. Jesus' FINISHED Work on the Cross
8. My Position in Jesus
9. God's Kindness
10. God's Faithfulness
11. Jared
12. Eli
13. George
14. Ezra
15. Lydia
16. Judah
17. Ollie
18. Birthday Puppy
19. Family
20. Community
21. Lifegroup
22. Corporate Worship
23. Music
24. Pain (definitely do NOT FEEL thankful for this one)
25. God never changes
26. He's always at work in my heart
27. God is ALWAYS GOOD
28. Home in the "country"
29. Land
30. YFC
31. Platteview
32. Small Town
33. Coffee
34. Colored Underwear
35. Fuzzy Socks
35. Sunshine
36. Summer
37. Spring Blooms
38. Date Nights
39. Margherita Pizza
40. Relationship with my kids
41. Snuggles
42. Jehovah Jireh - My Provider
43. Grief
44. The ability to write
45. Modern Technology and Medicine
46. Excellent care for Judah
47. Judah's Giggles
48. My Fireplace
49. Thick, Fuzzy Blankets
50. The beauty and freshness of snow
51. God's Word
52. The ability to create
53. God's Promises that do not fail
54. Hugs
55. Jared's arms that wrap around me, protect me, and hold me up
56. Safety and security that is found in obedience
57. God's Sovereignty
58. My Couch
59. Pillows
60. Creativity
61. My Kitchen
62. Time with Lydia
63. Hugs from Eli
64. Ezra's sense of humor
65. God's Omnipresence
66. Intimacy with Jesus
67. Books
68. God makes me wait
69. Margin in my schedule
70. Relationships with kids in the community
71. Slippers
72. Pink
73. Yummy-smelling things
74. Jesus' Birth, Death & Resurrection
75. Peppermint Mocha Creamer
76. Judah still likes to hold my hand
77. Lydia still likes to hold my hand
78. Jared still holds my hand...and doesn't let go
79. Bright Colors
80. God's loving discipline and correction
81. His relentless pursuit of me
82. Truth that He whispers to my heart daily
83. Goodwill mugs
84. New boots
85. Hobby Lobby
86. Gift Cards
87. Time with Jared
88. Authentic relationship with other women
89. Surrender and dependence on the only One Who is fully trustworthy and able
90. Healing
91. Cleansing Tears
92. Church in the car
93. Road Trips
94. Cake Stands
95. Autumn Colors
96. New Mercies
97. Truth
98. God's work in my kids' hearts
99. Freedom
100. Eternity with Jesus
Thanks for this time, God. This was good, good Church with You.
So, in no particular order...
1. JESUS
2. Heaven
3. Hope
4. Grace
5. Unconditional Love
6. Forgiveness
7. Jesus' FINISHED Work on the Cross
8. My Position in Jesus
9. God's Kindness
10. God's Faithfulness
11. Jared
12. Eli
13. George
14. Ezra
15. Lydia
16. Judah
17. Ollie
18. Birthday Puppy
19. Family
20. Community
21. Lifegroup
22. Corporate Worship
23. Music
24. Pain (definitely do NOT FEEL thankful for this one)
25. God never changes
26. He's always at work in my heart
27. God is ALWAYS GOOD
28. Home in the "country"
29. Land
30. YFC
31. Platteview
32. Small Town
33. Coffee
34. Colored Underwear
35. Fuzzy Socks
35. Sunshine
36. Summer
37. Spring Blooms
38. Date Nights
39. Margherita Pizza
40. Relationship with my kids
41. Snuggles
42. Jehovah Jireh - My Provider
43. Grief
44. The ability to write
45. Modern Technology and Medicine
46. Excellent care for Judah
47. Judah's Giggles
48. My Fireplace
49. Thick, Fuzzy Blankets
50. The beauty and freshness of snow
51. God's Word
52. The ability to create
53. God's Promises that do not fail
54. Hugs
55. Jared's arms that wrap around me, protect me, and hold me up
56. Safety and security that is found in obedience
57. God's Sovereignty
58. My Couch
59. Pillows
60. Creativity
61. My Kitchen
62. Time with Lydia
63. Hugs from Eli
64. Ezra's sense of humor
65. God's Omnipresence
66. Intimacy with Jesus
67. Books
68. God makes me wait
69. Margin in my schedule
70. Relationships with kids in the community
71. Slippers
72. Pink
73. Yummy-smelling things
74. Jesus' Birth, Death & Resurrection
75. Peppermint Mocha Creamer
76. Judah still likes to hold my hand
77. Lydia still likes to hold my hand
78. Jared still holds my hand...and doesn't let go
79. Bright Colors
80. God's loving discipline and correction
81. His relentless pursuit of me
82. Truth that He whispers to my heart daily
83. Goodwill mugs
84. New boots
85. Hobby Lobby
86. Gift Cards
87. Time with Jared
88. Authentic relationship with other women
89. Surrender and dependence on the only One Who is fully trustworthy and able
90. Healing
91. Cleansing Tears
92. Church in the car
93. Road Trips
94. Cake Stands
95. Autumn Colors
96. New Mercies
97. Truth
98. God's work in my kids' hearts
99. Freedom
100. Eternity with Jesus
Thanks for this time, God. This was good, good Church with You.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
Who Is That Girl?
Re-reading this blog is...kinda weird. I've never actually gone back and read it from the beginning. Not once in all these years. I've started a couple times, but the memories were too painful, so I would quit. This time I'm making myself read it from beginning to end, because I'm trying to find my way back to the relationship I had with the Lord then. I'm trying to remember that intimacy. I'm trying to figure out how to heal , and I thought this could be a place to start. But, I feel like I'm reading someone else's story. Like this all happened to someone else, not me. I haven't been able to connect emotionally to these posts. And I wonder, "Who is that girl?" "And how in the world did I get here, so far from where she is?" Like, God was so REAL, and active and PRESENT! But then, sometimes He seemingly wasn't, but that was still OK. I was experiencing Him in some pretty extraordinary ways. And even when I wasn't, I was still clinging to Truth and trusting so...freely and wholeheartedly. What happened?
On June 11, 2009 I wrote:
Some moments I believed that I would completely crumble and not be able to stand up under the weight of the burden I carried for my son. But again God somehow help me up, lifted the burden, and enabled me to stand. I can only continue to conclude that regardless of what I face each day, God's grace really is sufficient for me that day, that hour, that moment and on into the next. Knowing this, having tested this and experienced it, gives me confidence to believe that should God decide to bring Judah Home to be with Him sooner than later, I will have the grace I need to endure, and the Hope to carry on. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever." We're in the midst of the wailing, but God has given us many moments over the last couple days of dancing, too. We have experienced intense joy, we have sung praises to Him, and we do thank Him. We'll experience this verse in many ways many times over in the days, months, and possibly years to come with Judah. But I look forward to the day when this verse becomes fully true, and we are Home, Judah is whole, and we are truly dancing, singing, and praising for the first time and for the rest of time! Isaiah 46:4 says "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." This is so precious to me. The pressure is off. Judah is solely God's responsibility, loaned to me to love, treasure, and enjoy for a time. He is God's. The Lion of Judah's little cub. And I am His responsibility as well. He WILL sustain me. He WILL carry me. He WILL. That's all for now. Oh wait, one more thing. Jared reminded me that in a blog a couple months ago I said that we had decided we wanted God's glory more than anything. If he was born healthy and whole, or if he was born "special" - whichever brought God the most glory, that's what we wanted. We now have the answer to that question. Somehow Judah's life will bring more glory to the Lord broken and vulnerable than it would have whole and strong. I don't understand that. But I choose to believe that God sees the big picture. He knows what is best. He loves me and Judah beyond comprehension. He is GOOD - a good that is defined by Him, not me.
On July 20, 2009 I wrote:
They comfort, challenge, and encourage me all day. They remind me that this life that God has chosen for us, that we have chosen to follow Him in, is hard and painful; BUT GOD is good, is our Refuge, is faithful, is generous, is our strength. He won't "fix it", but He will give us something better - HIS good, and a deeper, lasting intimacy with Him.
On July 26, 2009 I wrote:
I believe that Jesus will grieve with us and comfort us as we cry over Judah while he's hurting and recovering. He'll carry us through. And I believe that this is all a part of the story that God is writing for Judah. This is just one chapter. I don't know why, but God knows why this is necessary for him in this life; and He knows how He will receive glory from writing this chapter, instead of omitting it. We're committed to His receiving glory regardless of the cost...but oh how it hurts and will hurt. BUT GOD...
"Oh! His grace and goodness toward us are so great, that without great assaults and trials it cannot be understood." -Martin Luther
Man. I was't looking for a rescue, a fix, a change, a way out. I wasn't protecting my heart or bracing myself for the next hit. I was vulnerable; laid bare before the Lord. I was open and trusted Him like a child. I felt so weak and inadequate, but I see incredible strength and purpose in my words.
I'm trying to be honest with myself when I think back over the last several years with Judah. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong...or when did a subtle shift start taking place in my thinking or processing? What happened to change the way I would approach doctor's appointments, procedures, and tests?
Over the years, things have not gotten easier. It's not like Judah can just grow out of diagnoses or the many effects of them. I can't reason with him about things. He deals with a great deal of fear and anxiety when it comes to medicine. Complex PTSD. His panic is real. And as he gets older some things just get harder. Somewhere along the line I started protecting my heart, and becoming more closed off somehow. Like, I try to be strong for Judah (and for me), and I try to shut out what's really hard about whatever appointment or lab we're at, and I try to downplay it so it's not such a big deal. Full disclosure: this doesn't work. I end up feeling angry and frustrated, because I'm not strong enough and I feel lonely, I can't completely shut down my emotions, and it is a big deal. It just is. It makes sense to think that protecting your heart will protect you from hurt. But actually, it still hurts...and now you're just closed off from receiving peace and rescue from the One who's there with you. I remember learning at the beginning of this journey that fully embracing the pain also meant fully experiencing God's peace and goodness. I stopped embracing.
Somewhere along the line I stopped thanking God for being with us in every moment, no matter what it held, and I started asking Him to take those moments away...or make it stop...or just fix it! I don't think it's wrong to ask Him those things; but when He didn't "show up" the way I wanted Him to, I see now that I allowed the tiniest roots of bitterness and anger to take root. And I didn't realize until now how deeply that would impact my ability to trust Him. Just trust Him like a child. No matter what.
I stopped writing. I started internalizing. Eventually I even started feeling angry and frustrated with Jared at times, because I was the one that was there with Judah. Jared didn't have to go through that. I didn't see that my feelings towards God, and how I was beginning to struggle, was ultimately putting a wedge between Jared and I. That over time, as I slowly came to the conclusion that I could only trust myself for Judah, that would have hurtful implications in my marriage. Years of building emotions, layered hurts, stuffed pain, unmet expectations...and here I am today, trying to recognize who I was 10 years ago. I have grown in a lot of ways in the last decade. God has taught me a ton, stretched me, challenged me, made me more like Him. But I had no idea what was just under the surface, and how badly I needed a major excavation. Enter Fresh Start. That is the catalyst for all of this. That's what God is using to open my eyes to all of the garbage I have stored in my heart for so many years. Oh man, it's so painful, but it's so necessary. In His timing He brought me to this place and now we're doing serious business. He has so much more for me. SO much better than what I've been harboring in my heart! And as He removes - gently and kindly and compassionately - these stores of hurts and anger from my heart, I realize that I will be so much better able to cope with Judah's circumstances, for him and for me. I will be a light for Judah, and will be able to point him to Jesus, and worship with Judah in the midst of the next hard thing. OK, that's hard to think about, and I don't think I want to go there just yet. But God IS at work. As hard as this process has been so far, I believe He's already begun the healing process.
On June 11, 2009 I wrote:
Some moments I believed that I would completely crumble and not be able to stand up under the weight of the burden I carried for my son. But again God somehow help me up, lifted the burden, and enabled me to stand. I can only continue to conclude that regardless of what I face each day, God's grace really is sufficient for me that day, that hour, that moment and on into the next. Knowing this, having tested this and experienced it, gives me confidence to believe that should God decide to bring Judah Home to be with Him sooner than later, I will have the grace I need to endure, and the Hope to carry on. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever." We're in the midst of the wailing, but God has given us many moments over the last couple days of dancing, too. We have experienced intense joy, we have sung praises to Him, and we do thank Him. We'll experience this verse in many ways many times over in the days, months, and possibly years to come with Judah. But I look forward to the day when this verse becomes fully true, and we are Home, Judah is whole, and we are truly dancing, singing, and praising for the first time and for the rest of time! Isaiah 46:4 says "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." This is so precious to me. The pressure is off. Judah is solely God's responsibility, loaned to me to love, treasure, and enjoy for a time. He is God's. The Lion of Judah's little cub. And I am His responsibility as well. He WILL sustain me. He WILL carry me. He WILL. That's all for now. Oh wait, one more thing. Jared reminded me that in a blog a couple months ago I said that we had decided we wanted God's glory more than anything. If he was born healthy and whole, or if he was born "special" - whichever brought God the most glory, that's what we wanted. We now have the answer to that question. Somehow Judah's life will bring more glory to the Lord broken and vulnerable than it would have whole and strong. I don't understand that. But I choose to believe that God sees the big picture. He knows what is best. He loves me and Judah beyond comprehension. He is GOOD - a good that is defined by Him, not me.
On July 20, 2009 I wrote:
They comfort, challenge, and encourage me all day. They remind me that this life that God has chosen for us, that we have chosen to follow Him in, is hard and painful; BUT GOD is good, is our Refuge, is faithful, is generous, is our strength. He won't "fix it", but He will give us something better - HIS good, and a deeper, lasting intimacy with Him.
On July 26, 2009 I wrote:
I believe that Jesus will grieve with us and comfort us as we cry over Judah while he's hurting and recovering. He'll carry us through. And I believe that this is all a part of the story that God is writing for Judah. This is just one chapter. I don't know why, but God knows why this is necessary for him in this life; and He knows how He will receive glory from writing this chapter, instead of omitting it. We're committed to His receiving glory regardless of the cost...but oh how it hurts and will hurt. BUT GOD...
"Oh! His grace and goodness toward us are so great, that without great assaults and trials it cannot be understood." -Martin Luther
Man. I was't looking for a rescue, a fix, a change, a way out. I wasn't protecting my heart or bracing myself for the next hit. I was vulnerable; laid bare before the Lord. I was open and trusted Him like a child. I felt so weak and inadequate, but I see incredible strength and purpose in my words.
I'm trying to be honest with myself when I think back over the last several years with Judah. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong...or when did a subtle shift start taking place in my thinking or processing? What happened to change the way I would approach doctor's appointments, procedures, and tests?
Over the years, things have not gotten easier. It's not like Judah can just grow out of diagnoses or the many effects of them. I can't reason with him about things. He deals with a great deal of fear and anxiety when it comes to medicine. Complex PTSD. His panic is real. And as he gets older some things just get harder. Somewhere along the line I started protecting my heart, and becoming more closed off somehow. Like, I try to be strong for Judah (and for me), and I try to shut out what's really hard about whatever appointment or lab we're at, and I try to downplay it so it's not such a big deal. Full disclosure: this doesn't work. I end up feeling angry and frustrated, because I'm not strong enough and I feel lonely, I can't completely shut down my emotions, and it is a big deal. It just is. It makes sense to think that protecting your heart will protect you from hurt. But actually, it still hurts...and now you're just closed off from receiving peace and rescue from the One who's there with you. I remember learning at the beginning of this journey that fully embracing the pain also meant fully experiencing God's peace and goodness. I stopped embracing.
Somewhere along the line I stopped thanking God for being with us in every moment, no matter what it held, and I started asking Him to take those moments away...or make it stop...or just fix it! I don't think it's wrong to ask Him those things; but when He didn't "show up" the way I wanted Him to, I see now that I allowed the tiniest roots of bitterness and anger to take root. And I didn't realize until now how deeply that would impact my ability to trust Him. Just trust Him like a child. No matter what.
I stopped writing. I started internalizing. Eventually I even started feeling angry and frustrated with Jared at times, because I was the one that was there with Judah. Jared didn't have to go through that. I didn't see that my feelings towards God, and how I was beginning to struggle, was ultimately putting a wedge between Jared and I. That over time, as I slowly came to the conclusion that I could only trust myself for Judah, that would have hurtful implications in my marriage. Years of building emotions, layered hurts, stuffed pain, unmet expectations...and here I am today, trying to recognize who I was 10 years ago. I have grown in a lot of ways in the last decade. God has taught me a ton, stretched me, challenged me, made me more like Him. But I had no idea what was just under the surface, and how badly I needed a major excavation. Enter Fresh Start. That is the catalyst for all of this. That's what God is using to open my eyes to all of the garbage I have stored in my heart for so many years. Oh man, it's so painful, but it's so necessary. In His timing He brought me to this place and now we're doing serious business. He has so much more for me. SO much better than what I've been harboring in my heart! And as He removes - gently and kindly and compassionately - these stores of hurts and anger from my heart, I realize that I will be so much better able to cope with Judah's circumstances, for him and for me. I will be a light for Judah, and will be able to point him to Jesus, and worship with Judah in the midst of the next hard thing. OK, that's hard to think about, and I don't think I want to go there just yet. But God IS at work. As hard as this process has been so far, I believe He's already begun the healing process.
The Next Chapter in the Story of Surrender
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Grief never goes away. I'm rereading this entire blog, and was reminded that there is always an undercurrent of joy and an undercurrent of lament in my life as a believer. I had forgotten that, and I'm so glad I read it, because it reminds me that I really am normal, and it's OK to still feel sadness and pain and heartache and really, really struggle sometimes.
That's where I am right now. The really, really struggle sometimes part.
I started going to Fresh Start a couple months ago. There were several reasons, but I had no idea what God really had in mind for my time with the 3 women that lead it. I knew going in that participating in Fresh Start - processing painful relationships or painful things in my past or present - would be tough, but would ultimately lead me to a deeper intimacy with Jesus and freedom from hurt that lives in my heart and has never been dealt with.
I was naive about what this process would actually look like.
Like...I had zero idea what God was going to require of me.
Oh man, I feel the tears already. I've cried more in the last couple months than in the last several years combined! Some would say that's a great release and it's healing. I say it sucks because it hurts and I want to be done with the tears!
I decided that I needed to process all of the loss associated with Judah. And I really thought it would be that easy. Just process the fact that I've experienced loss and pain and then heal and move on from that.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Not that easy.
This has been a far more painful process than I ever could have imagined...and I'm still waiting to get to the other side where the healing and freedom live. I will say, though, that, regardless of how painful this has been, and how much I've dreaded some of the "homework", I believe in my gut that this is exactly what I needed, and I WILL be so much better for it.
Here's the thing. I didn't know how angry I was at God. How angry I am at God. I didn't realize that I feel abandoned by God. And that, because of that, I decided that I was it for Judah. That I'm all he's got, and it's up to me to care for him, advocate for him, comfort him, and provide what he needs emotionally, etc. Primarily in the world of all things medical. But I am so not enough. And I know it. So then my anger with God becomes cyclical. It's been incredibly difficult and painful to come to these conclusions, and admit them to my self and then out loud in group. After realizing these things, I have felt a loss of relationship with God then as well. Feeling like I've lost my Best Friend. My Sustainer and Rescuer. Man, it's just been hard all around. I've come far, and God has taken me deep. Very deep. I've asked really hard questions, and doubted my own belief in Him. I have never had a crisis of belief...but suddenly everything I've told myself for years, everything I've taken for granted as what I just believe...didn't cut it anymore. I couldn't just keep telling myself...I couldn't just keep saying it out loud...my experiences with Judah over the last few years have been ones that don't include the FEELINGS and EXPERIENCE of these Truths. Intellectually I understand that my feelings don't dictate Truth, and my experiences don't either. BUT...I don't know...somewhere along the line I got lost. So much pain and suffering for Judah over the years...so much anxiety...and all of it shared with his Mama. I didn't know that I was struggling for years. Really, deeply struggling. But Fresh Start has showed me that, and I'm om my way to a new beginning.
I'm at the hardest part of the process, though. I've examined all of my feelings and emotions and what we've been through. I've talked to God about them, told Him how I feel, what I wish would have happened, would not have happened, would happen now, and will never happen again. And I've done it all through prayer and with the guidance of Scripture and these amazing women. It's been a profound experience.
But now...
I'm on to Sacrificial Thanksgiving. It's exactly what it sounds like. Giving thanks, sacrificially. Something has to die...and it's extremely painful...but that's the sacrifice. So what has to die for me? What do I have to give up, in order to truly thank God FOR everything? (1 Thes, 5:18; Eph. 5:20;
Ps. 50:14-15, 23; Ps. 116:17; ! Cor. 1:18; Rom. 8:28-29) I have to give up the place I've given myself in Judah's life. I'm not in control and I can't be. I am an advocate, but I am not his Advocate. I am a comforter, but not his Comforter. I can fight for him, but my fight is not against God and what He has planned. I have to surrender what I think is right and what makes sense, and I have to walk in obedience. And what is it that He's asking of me? He's asking me to thank Him for Judah's pain and suffering.
I know right? Nothing could be more contrary to my mother's heart. Nothing sounds so ludicrous and hurtful! I have fought this for weeks. I have tried to find a way out of it! I've even tried to use Scripture! I looked at Abraham and Isaac. Paul. Jesus. I can't find a single loop hole.
3 weeks ago I wrote this in my FS journal:
God, if You want me to thank You for Judah's pain and suffering, then You will have to do something drastic in my heart. I want to wan to be obedient...but I cannot thank You for this today.
Only God has seen the darkest moments that Judah and I have been through in the last few years. God heard his cries and screams. And yet this is what He asks. But...He was there. He was there when no one else could be.
Abraham laid Isaac on an altar. His only son, and then raised the knife... He laid his only son an altar. He offered all he had to God. He gave Him everything. God is asking nothing less of me. I have learned so much about surrender n the last 10 1/2 years...I have surrendered much. And yet...God wants more for me. Because He knows what He wants to do with me if I choose to obey Him. GAH! This letting go and choosing to thank God for Judah's pain is more painful and is producing more turmoil than I could have thought. Because why would I ever think I would even be having this conversation?
God...
You see me. You see each tear. Only You understand how painful this is for me.
You see Judah. You have seen each tear. Only You understand to the fullest the pain he's been through. The anxiety. The fear. You know it all. You see beyond it all to the good You are accomplishing and the glory You receive from it. I only see in part, imperfectly; but You see it all perfectly. I want to shield and protect Judah, and it seems wrong to thank You for what I so badly want to protect him from. But I only see in part. You see the whole.
You keep asking me, "Will you surrender Judah to Me? Will you trust Me?"
God, I DO NOT FEEL it...but...I surrender. I surrender in thanksgiving. Thank You for Judah's pain. Oh God, that is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. At this moment, it feels like that's everything and I have nothing left to offer You.
For Judah's good and Your glory. For my good and Your glory.
John 14:15-16
If you love me, obey me; and I will ask the Father and he will give you another Comforter, and he will never leave you.
2 Cor. 12:8-10
Three different times I begged God to make me well again. Each time he said, "No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people." Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ's power, instead of showing off my own powers and abilities. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about "the thorn", and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong - the less I have, the more I depend on Him.
2 Cor. 4:7-18
2 Sam. 24:24b
...for I don't want to offer to the Lord my God burnt offerings that have cost me nothing.
That's where I am right now. The really, really struggle sometimes part.
I started going to Fresh Start a couple months ago. There were several reasons, but I had no idea what God really had in mind for my time with the 3 women that lead it. I knew going in that participating in Fresh Start - processing painful relationships or painful things in my past or present - would be tough, but would ultimately lead me to a deeper intimacy with Jesus and freedom from hurt that lives in my heart and has never been dealt with.
I was naive about what this process would actually look like.
Like...I had zero idea what God was going to require of me.
Oh man, I feel the tears already. I've cried more in the last couple months than in the last several years combined! Some would say that's a great release and it's healing. I say it sucks because it hurts and I want to be done with the tears!
I decided that I needed to process all of the loss associated with Judah. And I really thought it would be that easy. Just process the fact that I've experienced loss and pain and then heal and move on from that.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Not that easy.
This has been a far more painful process than I ever could have imagined...and I'm still waiting to get to the other side where the healing and freedom live. I will say, though, that, regardless of how painful this has been, and how much I've dreaded some of the "homework", I believe in my gut that this is exactly what I needed, and I WILL be so much better for it.
Here's the thing. I didn't know how angry I was at God. How angry I am at God. I didn't realize that I feel abandoned by God. And that, because of that, I decided that I was it for Judah. That I'm all he's got, and it's up to me to care for him, advocate for him, comfort him, and provide what he needs emotionally, etc. Primarily in the world of all things medical. But I am so not enough. And I know it. So then my anger with God becomes cyclical. It's been incredibly difficult and painful to come to these conclusions, and admit them to my self and then out loud in group. After realizing these things, I have felt a loss of relationship with God then as well. Feeling like I've lost my Best Friend. My Sustainer and Rescuer. Man, it's just been hard all around. I've come far, and God has taken me deep. Very deep. I've asked really hard questions, and doubted my own belief in Him. I have never had a crisis of belief...but suddenly everything I've told myself for years, everything I've taken for granted as what I just believe...didn't cut it anymore. I couldn't just keep telling myself...I couldn't just keep saying it out loud...my experiences with Judah over the last few years have been ones that don't include the FEELINGS and EXPERIENCE of these Truths. Intellectually I understand that my feelings don't dictate Truth, and my experiences don't either. BUT...I don't know...somewhere along the line I got lost. So much pain and suffering for Judah over the years...so much anxiety...and all of it shared with his Mama. I didn't know that I was struggling for years. Really, deeply struggling. But Fresh Start has showed me that, and I'm om my way to a new beginning.
I'm at the hardest part of the process, though. I've examined all of my feelings and emotions and what we've been through. I've talked to God about them, told Him how I feel, what I wish would have happened, would not have happened, would happen now, and will never happen again. And I've done it all through prayer and with the guidance of Scripture and these amazing women. It's been a profound experience.
But now...
I'm on to Sacrificial Thanksgiving. It's exactly what it sounds like. Giving thanks, sacrificially. Something has to die...and it's extremely painful...but that's the sacrifice. So what has to die for me? What do I have to give up, in order to truly thank God FOR everything? (1 Thes, 5:18; Eph. 5:20;
Ps. 50:14-15, 23; Ps. 116:17; ! Cor. 1:18; Rom. 8:28-29) I have to give up the place I've given myself in Judah's life. I'm not in control and I can't be. I am an advocate, but I am not his Advocate. I am a comforter, but not his Comforter. I can fight for him, but my fight is not against God and what He has planned. I have to surrender what I think is right and what makes sense, and I have to walk in obedience. And what is it that He's asking of me? He's asking me to thank Him for Judah's pain and suffering.
I know right? Nothing could be more contrary to my mother's heart. Nothing sounds so ludicrous and hurtful! I have fought this for weeks. I have tried to find a way out of it! I've even tried to use Scripture! I looked at Abraham and Isaac. Paul. Jesus. I can't find a single loop hole.
3 weeks ago I wrote this in my FS journal:
God, if You want me to thank You for Judah's pain and suffering, then You will have to do something drastic in my heart. I want to wan to be obedient...but I cannot thank You for this today.
Only God has seen the darkest moments that Judah and I have been through in the last few years. God heard his cries and screams. And yet this is what He asks. But...He was there. He was there when no one else could be.
Abraham laid Isaac on an altar. His only son, and then raised the knife... He laid his only son an altar. He offered all he had to God. He gave Him everything. God is asking nothing less of me. I have learned so much about surrender n the last 10 1/2 years...I have surrendered much. And yet...God wants more for me. Because He knows what He wants to do with me if I choose to obey Him. GAH! This letting go and choosing to thank God for Judah's pain is more painful and is producing more turmoil than I could have thought. Because why would I ever think I would even be having this conversation?
God...
You see me. You see each tear. Only You understand how painful this is for me.
You see Judah. You have seen each tear. Only You understand to the fullest the pain he's been through. The anxiety. The fear. You know it all. You see beyond it all to the good You are accomplishing and the glory You receive from it. I only see in part, imperfectly; but You see it all perfectly. I want to shield and protect Judah, and it seems wrong to thank You for what I so badly want to protect him from. But I only see in part. You see the whole.
You keep asking me, "Will you surrender Judah to Me? Will you trust Me?"
God, I DO NOT FEEL it...but...I surrender. I surrender in thanksgiving. Thank You for Judah's pain. Oh God, that is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. At this moment, it feels like that's everything and I have nothing left to offer You.
For Judah's good and Your glory. For my good and Your glory.
John 14:15-16
If you love me, obey me; and I will ask the Father and he will give you another Comforter, and he will never leave you.
2 Cor. 12:8-10
Three different times I begged God to make me well again. Each time he said, "No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people." Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ's power, instead of showing off my own powers and abilities. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about "the thorn", and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong - the less I have, the more I depend on Him.
2 Cor. 4:7-18
2 Sam. 24:24b
...for I don't want to offer to the Lord my God burnt offerings that have cost me nothing.
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