I have come to the end of my process with Fresh Start. Today I take that last step and RELEASE! I've already said how painful this process has been. And just because this is the last day that I share and officially finish my process, that in no way means I'm actually really done. I'm not naive. I know that what I've taken from Fresh Start is just the beginning. But, that's just it. It's a beginning. A fresh start as I move forward from here and continue on this journey with Judah. And Jesus. And Jared.
Here's where I'm at this morning. I've had to recognize vows and judgments that I've made over the last few years. I've had to confess wrongs that I've committed against God and Jared, and Judah, too, and ask for forgiveness. I've had to let go of things people have said that I've held onto all these years. Hurts that I've held onto, and forgive. Today in group I have to confess those vows and judgments, outloud, call myself out, and renounce them. And then replace them with Truth. I know the lovely ladies that facilitate this will remind me of things I've said, but forgotten, and will probably have much to add to what I put here. But the heart of what I've recognized are these things:
I have judged God.
"You're not at work."
"You're not there."
"This isn't Your good."
"You are silent."
"You don't protect Judah."
"I can't trust You."
"You're not meeting our needs or acting in Judah's or my best interest."
So...ultimately...I have judged God to be insufficient and unkind.
I have judged myself to be better than Jared in a lot of ways regarding Judah. I have come to believe
that I am all Judah has when things are really hard. Appointments, labs, new doctors, whatever.
I have judged myself to be Judah's protector. Like I'm enough for him...though I know I'm not.
I have effectively said that I will build walls around my heart. I won't feel. I will harden my heart
so I can't be as hurt or disappointed.
This is gross. Ugly. And I'm happy to get it out in the open and get rid of it!
The Truth?
God is always at work. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
God. Is. Always. Present. Always.
God is always good. He can't be anything but good. And right. Always.
Sometimes, it seems like God is silent. But, if He is, that doesn't mean He's absent or not at work,
or less than good or right.
God is Judah's protector. Whether I agree with or like His plan and purpose for how He protects,
the Truth is that He does protect Judah, and it is for Judah's good and God's glory that He allows
what He does. Nothing comes to Judah without first being filtered through God's loving, gracious,
kind, and sovereign hands.
God, You are trustworthy. Perfectly and always.
God - and only God - can meet our needs, and will, according to His perfect plan and purposes.
God, You are enough. God, you are kind. Always.
OK, so now I need to "entrust the person and/or situation to the Lord." "Write, in the form of a prayer, who or what you are now entrusting to the Lord."
God, Judah is Yours. Every single part of him. Every bit that I can see, and every complicated part I can't. He. Is. Yours. You delight in him as Your image-bearer in ways that I can't even begin to appreciate or fathom. God, You see his pain, his fear and anxiety, and every moment that is hard and that I wouldn't choose for him. You see it; but You also understand perfectly what he's feeling and experiencing. You understand him and know him intimately and only You know exactly what Your plan and purpose is for Judah, and why all of this "stuff" is necessary for his good and Your glory. God, only You are fully trustworthy and able. Able to protect Judah. Able to shape him and use him for Your glory. Able to meet his needs in the midst of pain and anxiety. Able to comfort him. Able to thwart the Enemy's plan to accomplish Your purpose. Able. You are able. So, because of these Truths, I can trust Judah with You. I'm laying myself down, and holding him up to You. Because You are better than me, and You are what Judah needs. God, he has a long journey ahead of him, and me with him. So many circumstances and situations that are yet to be. Some I know about now, many I'm sure will come as unpleasant surprises. God, I trust You with these. I trust You to give me wisdom as to how to comfort Judah, and walk him through a tough situation when the time comes. I trust You to continue to hold him and comfort him, using me as You see fit. I choose to believe that Your grace is sufficient for Judah and me, and that it will be more than enough at exactly the moment we need it - You won't be early, but You won't be late. I trust You with my heart, too. God, this journey with my precious son is really hard, and it really hurts a lot sometimes. It's so up and down and all over the place. The wealth and variety of emotions that I feel in just one day sometimes! God, it's hard. But, I trust You with my heart and everything it feels and experiences each day. I trust you with the really hard things that hurt me the most, that make me want to run and hide and shore up the walls around my heart so I can't hurt and feel. I trust You. And even as I write this, I know that You know that it's so much easier said than done. So, I even have to trust You to keep this work in my heart going. God, have Your way.
Here's the attitude I want to pursue moving forward:
I want to continue to step out in faith, regardless of fear or anxiety, and walk forward in obedience, hand in hand with the One Who calls me.
No comments:
Post a Comment