Who Is That Girl?

Re-reading this blog is...kinda weird. I've never actually gone back and read it from the beginning. Not once in all these years. I've started a couple times, but the memories were too painful, so I would quit. This time I'm making myself read it from beginning to end, because I'm trying to find my way back to the relationship I had with the Lord then. I'm trying to remember that intimacy. I'm trying to figure out how to heal , and I thought this could be a place to start. But, I feel like I'm reading someone else's story. Like this all happened to someone else, not me. I haven't been able to connect emotionally to these posts. And I wonder, "Who is that girl?" "And how in the world did I get here, so far from where she is?" Like, God was so REAL, and active and PRESENT! But then, sometimes He seemingly wasn't, but that was still OK. I was experiencing Him in some pretty extraordinary ways. And even when I wasn't, I was still clinging to Truth and trusting so...freely and wholeheartedly. What happened?

On June 11, 2009 I wrote:
Some moments I believed that I would completely crumble and not be able to stand up under the weight of the burden I carried for my son. But again God somehow help me up, lifted the burden, and enabled me to stand. I can only continue to conclude that regardless of what I face each day, God's grace really is sufficient for me that day, that hour, that moment and on into the next. Knowing this, having tested this and experienced it, gives me confidence to believe that should God decide to bring Judah Home to be with Him sooner than later, I will have the grace I need to endure, and the Hope to carry on. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever." We're in the midst of the wailing, but God has given us many moments over the last couple days of dancing, too. We have experienced intense joy, we have sung praises to Him, and we do thank Him. We'll experience this verse in many ways many times over in the days, months, and possibly years to come with Judah. But I look forward to the day when this verse becomes fully true, and we are Home, Judah is whole, and we are truly dancing, singing, and praising for the first time and for the rest of time! Isaiah 46:4 says "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." This is so precious to me. The pressure is off. Judah is solely God's responsibility, loaned to me to love, treasure, and enjoy for a time. He is God's. The Lion of Judah's little cub. And I am His responsibility as well. He WILL sustain me. He WILL carry me. He WILL. That's all for now. Oh wait, one more thing. Jared reminded me that in a blog a couple months ago I said that we had decided we wanted God's glory more than anything. If he was born healthy and whole, or if he was born "special" - whichever brought God the most glory, that's what we wanted. We now have the answer to that question. Somehow Judah's life will bring more glory to the Lord broken and vulnerable than it would have whole and strong. I don't understand that. But I choose to believe that God sees the big picture. He knows what is best. He loves me and Judah beyond comprehension. He is GOOD - a good that is defined by Him, not me.

On July 20, 2009 I wrote:
They comfort, challenge, and encourage me all day. They remind me that this life that God has chosen for us, that we have chosen to follow Him in, is hard and painful; BUT GOD is good, is our Refuge, is faithful, is generous, is our strength. He won't "fix it", but He will give us something better - HIS good, and a deeper, lasting intimacy with Him.

On July 26, 2009 I wrote:
 I believe that Jesus will grieve with us and comfort us as we cry over Judah while he's hurting and recovering. He'll carry us through. And I believe that this is all a part of the story that God is writing for Judah. This is just one chapter. I don't know why, but God knows why this is necessary for him in this life; and He knows how He will receive glory from writing this chapter, instead of omitting it. We're committed to His receiving glory regardless of the cost...but oh how it hurts and will hurt. BUT GOD...
"Oh! His grace and goodness toward us are so great, that without great assaults and trials it cannot be understood." -Martin Luther

Man. I was't looking for a rescue, a fix, a change, a way out. I wasn't protecting my heart or bracing myself for the next hit. I was vulnerable; laid bare before the Lord. I was open and trusted Him like a child. I felt so weak and inadequate, but I see incredible strength and purpose in my words. 

I'm trying to be honest with myself when I think back over the last several years with Judah. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong...or when did a subtle shift start taking place in my thinking or processing? What happened to change the way I would approach doctor's appointments, procedures, and tests?

Over the years, things have not gotten easier. It's not like Judah can just grow out of diagnoses or the many effects of them. I can't reason with him about things. He deals with a great deal of fear and anxiety when it comes to medicine. Complex PTSD. His panic is real. And as he gets older some things just get harder. Somewhere along the line I started protecting my heart, and becoming more closed off somehow. Like, I try to be strong for Judah (and for me), and I try to shut out what's really hard about whatever appointment or lab we're at, and I try to downplay it so it's not such a big deal. Full disclosure: this doesn't work. I end up feeling angry and frustrated, because I'm not strong enough and I feel lonely, I can't completely shut down my emotions, and it is a big deal. It just is. It makes sense to think that protecting your heart will protect you from hurt. But actually, it still hurts...and now you're just closed off from receiving peace and rescue from the One who's there with you. I remember learning at the beginning of this journey that fully embracing the pain also meant fully experiencing God's peace and goodness. I stopped embracing. 
Somewhere along the line I stopped thanking God for being with us in every moment, no matter what it held, and I started asking Him to take those moments away...or make it stop...or just fix it! I don't think it's wrong to ask Him those things; but when He didn't "show up" the way I wanted Him to, I see now that I allowed the tiniest roots of bitterness and anger to take root. And I didn't realize until now how deeply that would impact my ability to trust Him. Just trust Him like a child. No matter what.
I stopped writing. I started internalizing. Eventually I even started feeling angry and frustrated with Jared at times, because I was the one that was there with Judah. Jared didn't have to go through that. I didn't see that my feelings towards God, and how I was beginning to struggle, was ultimately putting a wedge between Jared and I. That over time, as I slowly came to the conclusion that I could only trust myself for Judah, that would have hurtful implications in my marriage. Years of building emotions, layered hurts, stuffed pain, unmet expectations...and here I am today, trying to recognize who I was 10 years ago. I have grown in a lot of ways in the last decade. God has taught me a ton, stretched me, challenged me, made me more like Him. But I had no idea what was just under the surface, and how badly I needed a major excavation. Enter Fresh Start. That is the catalyst for all of this. That's what God is using to open my eyes to all of the garbage I have stored in my heart for so many years. Oh man, it's so painful, but it's so necessary. In His timing He brought me to this place and now we're doing serious business. He has so much more for me. SO much better than what I've been harboring in my heart! And as He removes - gently and kindly and compassionately - these stores of hurts and anger from my heart, I realize that I will be so much better able to cope with Judah's circumstances, for him and for me. I will be a light for Judah, and will be able to point him to Jesus, and worship with Judah in the midst of the next hard thing. OK, that's hard to think about, and I don't think I want to go there just yet. But God IS at work. As hard as this process has been so far, I believe He's already begun the healing process.