Fresh Start Reflection

My time of sharing at Fresh Start this morning was pretty amazing. After everything this process brought up, how painful it was, how stupid hard it was, I honestly didn't think it could possibly end really well. I thought it would just...finally be over, and I could be done with it and move on. If I'm honest, I didn't believe that the work would be worth it, and that I would feel any benefit when all was said and done. I was shocked to feel, after that final prayer of humbling requests and release, lighter! Relieved. Rested. Well in my soul. Every hard question, every moment of wrestling and digging, every tear really was worth it. This process hasn't changed a single thing in Judah's circumstances. It hasn't brought about any kind of healing for him, or changed how hard his life and journey is. BUT GOD has met me in my doubt, fear, and anger. In His kindness, He has shown me where I've been wrong, what attitudes and beliefs have been so wrong and hurtful to me and Judah; and He has been faithful to forgive me as I have confessed those things, and then let them go in Jesus' Name. He has graciously helped me to forgive those who have unintentionally hurt me in the past, and given me the courage to let it go and move on, knowing that I'll be hurt again. But His grace is sufficient, and I don't need to try to protect myself from hurt. He will heal and restore as I need Him to. God met me in my deep pain as I surrendered Judah to Him and thanked Him for the things that He has caused and/or allowed these last almost 11 years. These weeks of process have been so painful and really awful at times. BUT GOD is  restoring my faith in Him, and has taken me deeper. He didn't have to. He doesn't answer to me. BUT GOD chose to meet me, to reveal Himself to me, to show me hard things about myself, and to start healing my heart and developing a deeper intimacy with Him. After all the thoughts and questions I threw at Him these last several weeks, it's pretty humbling that He would still choose me. So, yes, the work of Fresh Start has been worth it. And had I held anything back, my experience, while certainly less painful, would not have been nearly as full or rich. Man, God, thank You for those 3 beautiful women who created a safe space, and then - in love - pushed, challenged, listened, validated, and prayed. They are a gift.

I officially finished my process today, but I do have one more thing from the past to address. Git after it, girl.