I've said it before and I'll say it again: Grief never goes away. I'm rereading this entire blog, and was reminded that there is always an undercurrent of joy and an undercurrent of lament in my life as a believer. I had forgotten that, and I'm so glad I read it, because it reminds me that I really am normal, and it's OK to still feel sadness and pain and heartache and really, really struggle sometimes.
That's where I am right now. The really, really struggle sometimes part.
I started going to Fresh Start a couple months ago. There were several reasons, but I had no idea what God really had in mind for my time with the 3 women that lead it. I knew going in that participating in Fresh Start - processing painful relationships or painful things in my past or present - would be tough, but would ultimately lead me to a deeper intimacy with Jesus and freedom from hurt that lives in my heart and has never been dealt with.
I was naive about what this process would actually look like.
Like...I had zero idea what God was going to require of me.
Oh man, I feel the tears already. I've cried more in the last couple months than in the last several years combined! Some would say that's a great release and it's healing. I say it sucks because it hurts and I want to be done with the tears!
I decided that I needed to process all of the loss associated with Judah. And I really thought it would be that easy. Just process the fact that I've experienced loss and pain and then heal and move on from that.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Not that easy.
This has been a far more painful process than I ever could have imagined...and I'm still waiting to get to the other side where the healing and freedom live. I will say, though, that, regardless of how painful this has been, and how much I've dreaded some of the "homework", I believe in my gut that this is exactly what I needed, and I WILL be so much better for it.
Here's the thing. I didn't know how angry I was at God. How angry I am at God. I didn't realize that I feel abandoned by God. And that, because of that, I decided that I was it for Judah. That I'm all he's got, and it's up to me to care for him, advocate for him, comfort him, and provide what he needs emotionally, etc. Primarily in the world of all things medical. But I am so not enough. And I know it. So then my anger with God becomes cyclical. It's been incredibly difficult and painful to come to these conclusions, and admit them to my self and then out loud in group. After realizing these things, I have felt a loss of relationship with God then as well. Feeling like I've lost my Best Friend. My Sustainer and Rescuer. Man, it's just been hard all around. I've come far, and God has taken me deep. Very deep. I've asked really hard questions, and doubted my own belief in Him. I have never had a crisis of belief...but suddenly everything I've told myself for years, everything I've taken for granted as what I just believe...didn't cut it anymore. I couldn't just keep telling myself...I couldn't just keep saying it out loud...my experiences with Judah over the last few years have been ones that don't include the FEELINGS and EXPERIENCE of these Truths. Intellectually I understand that my feelings don't dictate Truth, and my experiences don't either. BUT...I don't know...somewhere along the line I got lost. So much pain and suffering for Judah over the years...so much anxiety...and all of it shared with his Mama. I didn't know that I was struggling for years. Really, deeply struggling. But Fresh Start has showed me that, and I'm om my way to a new beginning.
I'm at the hardest part of the process, though. I've examined all of my feelings and emotions and what we've been through. I've talked to God about them, told Him how I feel, what I wish would have happened, would not have happened, would happen now, and will never happen again. And I've done it all through prayer and with the guidance of Scripture and these amazing women. It's been a profound experience.
But now...
I'm on to Sacrificial Thanksgiving. It's exactly what it sounds like. Giving thanks, sacrificially. Something has to die...and it's extremely painful...but that's the sacrifice. So what has to die for me? What do I have to give up, in order to truly thank God FOR everything? (1 Thes, 5:18; Eph. 5:20;
Ps. 50:14-15, 23; Ps. 116:17; ! Cor. 1:18; Rom. 8:28-29) I have to give up the place I've given myself in Judah's life. I'm not in control and I can't be. I am an advocate, but I am not his Advocate. I am a comforter, but not his Comforter. I can fight for him, but my fight is not against God and what He has planned. I have to surrender what I think is right and what makes sense, and I have to walk in obedience. And what is it that He's asking of me? He's asking me to thank Him for Judah's pain and suffering.
I know right? Nothing could be more contrary to my mother's heart. Nothing sounds so ludicrous and hurtful! I have fought this for weeks. I have tried to find a way out of it! I've even tried to use Scripture! I looked at Abraham and Isaac. Paul. Jesus. I can't find a single loop hole.
3 weeks ago I wrote this in my FS journal:
God, if You want me to thank You for Judah's pain and suffering, then You will have to do something drastic in my heart. I want to wan to be obedient...but I cannot thank You for this today.
Only God has seen the darkest moments that Judah and I have been through in the last few years. God heard his cries and screams. And yet this is what He asks. But...He was there. He was there when no one else could be.
Abraham laid Isaac on an altar. His only son, and then raised the knife... He laid his only son an altar. He offered all he had to God. He gave Him everything. God is asking nothing less of me. I have learned so much about surrender n the last 10 1/2 years...I have surrendered much. And yet...God wants more for me. Because He knows what He wants to do with me if I choose to obey Him. GAH! This letting go and choosing to thank God for Judah's pain is more painful and is producing more turmoil than I could have thought. Because why would I ever think I would even be having this conversation?
God...
You see me. You see each tear. Only You understand how painful this is for me.
You see Judah. You have seen each tear. Only You understand to the fullest the pain he's been through. The anxiety. The fear. You know it all. You see beyond it all to the good You are accomplishing and the glory You receive from it. I only see in part, imperfectly; but You see it all perfectly. I want to shield and protect Judah, and it seems wrong to thank You for what I so badly want to protect him from. But I only see in part. You see the whole.
You keep asking me, "Will you surrender Judah to Me? Will you trust Me?"
God, I DO NOT FEEL it...but...I surrender. I surrender in thanksgiving. Thank You for Judah's pain. Oh God, that is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. At this moment, it feels like that's everything and I have nothing left to offer You.
For Judah's good and Your glory. For my good and Your glory.
John 14:15-16
If you love me, obey me; and I will ask the Father and he will give you another Comforter, and he will never leave you.
2 Cor. 12:8-10
Three different times I begged God to make me well again. Each time he said, "No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people." Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ's power, instead of showing off my own powers and abilities. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about "the thorn", and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong - the less I have, the more I depend on Him.
2 Cor. 4:7-18
2 Sam. 24:24b
...for I don't want to offer to the Lord my God burnt offerings that have cost me nothing.
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