Charles Tanner and a Reminder of Truth

First things first. For probably 3 years now I've really wanted a mini goldendoodle. A sweet little version of Ollie. For me. When I turned 40 in June, Jared "gave" me a puppy for my birthday. Air quotes, because what I got was a picture of our friends' 2 dogs who were going to be mating, and I was going to get to pick one of their mini goldendoodle puppies. Fast forward 7 months, and make a long story short, and yesterday was finally Puppy Day! We ended up getting my puppy from the breeder that Ollie came from; so Jared, Gramps, Lydia, Judah, Ollie and I all jumped into the suburban and headed to Belleville, KS to get him!

Aaand...

Welcome to the family Charles Tanner Stewart!

Charlie, for short. And Tanner for an extraordinary high school student (probably previously mentioned in this blog) who has loved and impacted Judah immensely over the last 4 years.

We are all IN LOVE! Except Ollie who's trying to figure what to do with this weird little creature who kinda freaks him out. He'll come around. Charlie is the sweetest, most lovable little thing.

Alright, now that that's taken care of...I wanted to get something down here that God impressed on my heart over the weekend. I've been processing like crazy, and re-reading this blog has been incredibly eye-opening and really challenging. I mean, not hard to read per se, but really challenging me to think and consider and realign myself with Christ.

I already made the connection - a HUGE one - that my attitude changed. I stopped asking God to rescue us IN the circumstances, and started asking Him to rescue us FROM them. Big, big difference. And over these last few years that one word difference has led to hurt, anger, disappointment. It's exacerbated my depression and at the same time lulled me into some weird complacency in my realtionship with Jesus. I don't know how to say that any better. I also stopped writing. Writing makes me love Jesus more. It points me to Him. It allows me to grieve, rejoice, question, process in a healthy way. It teaches and reminds me about God as He whispers Truth to my heart while I write. It's an incredibly effective tool that God has given me against the Enemy. And I quit. I became vulnerable. And here I am in a mess of emotions and fall out today. Obviously, this is a complex situation with tons of layers. And life with Judah will always be different in ways; but the bottom line is that I closed up and walked away from Jesus in a lot of ways when it comes to Judah. And God is taking me deep to bring me back. He's so patient. And kind and compassionate. And He never stops pursuing me. Even in these years of anger and hurt and confusion. In the times of silence. When I really thought He left us to fend for ourselves, while He just watched from a distance. I see that He has been there in every moment. The things I believed 10 years ago haven't changed. Not 1 iota. Because my God doesn't change.

Hebrews 13:8 ESV

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

James 1:17 ESV 

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Numbers 23:19 ESV 
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?

Psalm 119:89 ESV 

Forever, O Lord, your word is firmly fixed in the heavens.

Jeremiah 31:3 ESV 

The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

Psalm 102:27 ESV 

But you are the same, and your years have no end.

Revelation 1:8 ESV 

“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.”

Lamentations 3:22 ESV 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;

So there's that. All that to say...I was contemplating the "what's next?" in my mind over the weekend. I'm moving forward in this part of the journey. All of this has been good and right, albeit difficult and painful. But what about his upcoming oral procedures and repairs? How will this look when we walk into that first appointment? How do I move forward, and move Judah forward, from here? But God...again...stepped into my thoughts. Completely interrupted them actually, and "What would 30 year old me say?" came to mind. (Envision the light bulb turning on over my head here.) I was so convinced of God's grace given generously and perfectly timed 10 years ago! 30 year old me - new mom of Judah me - would tell me to quit worrying about it! I don't have grace for that yet! I have exactly what I need for today. And tomorrow I'll have what I need for tomorrow. And on appointment day, etc. I'll have the grace I need for that. And, now that I'm thinking about it, can I trust God to give me an overabundant amount of grace that will spill over onto Judah on those tough days ahead? Can I trust Him to give Judah grace directly, in exactly the way that Judah needs it? I'm going to say yes. I still struggle to trust at the moment...but I'm choosing to believe regardless of what I feel or what I've experienced in the past. I believe that God will be enough for me and enough for Judah each day. One. Day. At. A. Time. And I will not borrow trouble for the days that are yet to be. I will choose to believe and be thankful. And joyful.