Closure...?

So there's this one last thing that I don't think I've ever completely done business with. I've re-read some blog posts that I wrote, trying to process this loss. But I mentioned it in Fresh Start at the beginning, and "Bo" was kind enough to remind me of it this morning, and suggest that maybe I need to do business with it. These F.S. women are diligent note-takers. They miss nothing and remember everything. Ha!

I lost a breastfeeding relationship with Judah that I dreamed about. I cherished that relationship with each of my other 3. I looked forward to it with Judah. I fought for it. I begged God for it. He said no. My heart broke.

To this day, I wrestle with this. And the lack of closure in this part of our relationship effects me. I still miss nursing. I still regret not being able to share that with him. There are days when I long to have another baby - ah yeah, 10 yrs. later, 40 yrs. old and kids in high school and jr. high - because I actually crave that connection and relationship again. I grieve that loss. I realized today that I can be healed from that hurt, and I can move on and be free from that - God can give me closure - but I will probably always grieve it. And I can be ok with that. But to get to that place, I need to go through this process first.

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God, You know how hurt and angry - how devastated! - I was when I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never nurse Judah. And then, You saw how crushed, broken, and confused I was when I had to throw away all of my frozen milk because of the amount of lipase in it. God, I don't know why. I don't know why You chose to say no. I don't know why You allowed that milk to go bad. I don't know why! I can't see Your good or Your purpose in those things. I couldn't then, and I don't now.

[surrender...]

God, I offer you sacrificial thanksgiving for those things. Thank You for taking that relationship from me. Thank You for taking that milk. I don't understand it, but I choose to thank You, because You say to. It hurts to do so, Lord. It hurts.

God, You cause and allow what You do because You are sovereign. Because only You see what is for our good, and how it will bring You glory. God, I've been really angry and confused about this. Angry with You! I wanted this with Judah SO BADLY! But if I believe that You are good and trustworthy, then that has to apply here, too. God, forgive me for my anger towards You, and my lack of belief in Your goodness and in the goodness of Your plan for me and for Judah. I let this go. Heal my heart from the hurt that has been there all these years over this one loss. God, if You see fit, please give me a sense of closure. A sense of peace. I still have so many feelings of loss surrounding Judah's birth and infancy. Maybe I always will. But if I'm going to experience any change there, any healing at all, I know it has to come from You. You are the only One who is able.

Thank You.

In Jesus' Name.