I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the last 3 weeks. I never would have been able to dream it up in a million years! Well, maybe a million. I have a pretty active imagination. But seriously. I feel like I'm living in a movie. All the schools are closed for the rest of the year. 4th quarter homeschooling is the new norm. No sports. None. Not a single extracurricular activity. Stores are either dead or packed, and always short on what I need. Wal-Mart limits you to only 2 of each item. Well that's fine and dandy for a family of 4. But a family of 7? Come on, people! I'm trying to provide for my family here! Online. Yes, online grocery shopping. That's also a new norm. I hate it, but I guess I'm getting used to it...and getting better at it. Costco can't seem to keep anything I need in their distribution center, though, so Jared has to brave the store once every couple of weeks to get whatever they have that I need. He's actually waiting in line at this very moment just to get in! 6' and elbows out we say. Ha! Funny not funny. Again. It's like living in a movie. We don't go anywhere unless we absolutely have to go to the grocery store, or I'm taking boys and myself to the chiro. E, Z, and J. We're taking walks and existing outside as the weather allows. But the sun has been hiding quite a bit lately. That's hard on me. Zoom. That's the new magic word. Let's Zoom! I'll see you on the Zoom call. I have a Zoom call today. Tonight. Later. I have to set up a Zoom. Gotta hop on a Zoom call. What teacher did you Zoom today? Did you have fun with your friends and teacher on Zoom today? I feel like the new soundtrack of my life is kids on zoom calls. Zoomzoomzoom... Zoom is a necessary thing right now, but it's not life-giving. It's a way to stay connected when everything face-to-face and personal and in-person has been stripped away. But it is NOT the same. And I actually kind of hate it a little bit. I'm trying to stay connected with my small group girls through Zoom. I'm trying to keep it light and fun and make sure they know how much I miss them and that I'm still here! But at the end of the day I'm so tired of being on front of a computer screen. Seeing people that way isn't really seeing people. The kids seem to be doing fine with their eLearning. Judah needs quite a bit of attention - keeping him on task, focused, taking breaks, helping him - I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get much done during all this extra time we suddenly have. Not to mention the fact that I have to share this Chromebook with Lydia for a couple of her classes. So, I don't always have this when I want or need it either. Sometimes sharing is hard. My heart hurts everyday for Eli. My senior. This is so hard and unfair. I have prayed for him for years - that God would do whatever it takes to get a hold of his heart and make him His man. He has stripped Eli of everything he was counting on. Things he put his hope and identity in. Things he was looking forward to, worked hard for, expected, and earned. I want God to sweep Eli off his feet and leave him with nothing but Himself if that's what it takes. But it's painful for his mama, too, and it's so hard to watch. I can't make him run to Jesus and lean hard into Him. I can't make him choose to do the hard thing and surrender. I keep praying. For all of my kids. I so desperately do NOT want this time to be wasted in their hearts. I want them to be different - more like Jesus - because of it. We're trying to be intentional with our time as a family. It's hard to come up with different things to do. It's hard to be together all the time. We live in a small space for 7 people. And we're all home almost all the time. Sometimes Eli goes for a drive. Sometimes the big boys go through a Starbucks or Scooters drive through. Sometimes the kids go for bike rides. Anything to get out a little. Z has been working out a lot and trying to get in some runs. L is running and biking. Social distance biking with her neighborhood friends. The other 3 kids have been harder to motivate to move. Although, Judah does love watching his PE teacher's videos and doing warm-ups "with" him. And he really loves doing his music teacher's activities that she's posted. I'm struggling with my depression right now. This is usually the time of year when I start going up, coming off of the down of winter and less sun. But all of these circumstances, the monumental changes, and all the accompanying emotions and feelings have thrown me into somewhat of a tailspin. I hate this. At a time when I need to have more energy, more positiveness, more good mood and hype and happy and fun to keep the kids positive and moving forward I feel tired and sad and discouraged. I'm doing what I can to reach out to my community. To connect with others. To be involved. But I'm struggling. I hate the changes that have been made to my job, simply because I can't be with kids right now. Everything I love about my CL job is gone right now. Everything about my routine and my normal has been disrupted. I feel the weight of caring for my family and the pressure of making this a positive, fun, memorable experience that the kids will look back on and love to remember. This is a lot. Just a lot that I've been processing and stuffing and trying to deal with. So I just needed to get it down somewhere. It's a jumble of thoughts. I can't even see my way through all of it right now.
BUT GOD...
God, I know You're here. I know You're sovereign. I know You're in control. I know You listen to all of my grumbling and whining and doubt. I know You see what is at the root of all of that. Fear, unmet expectations, grief. And You understand all of it better than I do. You see me. You. See. Me. You care for my heart. You are gentle and kind. You sustain me. You provide everything I need, physical and spiritual. You give me gifts: writing, a puppy, tulips, quality time with my kids, connections I wouldn't have with people in my community otherwise (SPCS Homeschool page on FB, a Westmont teacher parade through the neighborhood, intentional conversations, out-of-the-ordinary text messages), time, slow days, no plans, online books, sunshine, new pillows. God, You are good. Even when it feels like the depression is winning, You are good and You are bigger. When it seems like this isn't going to end. You are enough and You are at work.
OK. God, Your grace is sufficient for today. It's a new day that You have created. Your mercies are new and You are faithful. Thanks for this time with You...for time to vent and process and just let go a little. I know there is loss to process here, but that will come later.
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