In the last 4 years or so I have said no to a lot of medical things for Judah. Primarily the more invasive tests/procedures, but also major ortho/dental work and things like that. Judah deals with a lot of medical trauma and anxiety, and he needed an extended period of time with only easy and positive experiences. Lots of successes. Minus the lab, of course, but he did have a major victory there last month so can I get a HALLELUJAH!
In the last 18 months his kidney function has declined, and because of his kidney disease and poor health in that entire area of his body, we need to do something about it. On May 11 Judah will undergo 2 tests/1 procedure, 1 of which will happen in the OR so he can be asleep for it. Because his mama wasn't having it any other way on this one. And the other one will happen upstairs in Urology after he's awake. Without going into detail about what these urology tests entail, I will say that they are invasive, uncomfortable, and the times he's had these in years past have been largely unsuccessful and traumatic. For both of us quite honestly. However, it appears that either Judah's kidney reflux is back, or there is an obstruction. We've gotta know what's happening in there so it can be addressed and his chronic kidney disease can be maintained at a Stage 2.
I would be lying if I said I felt totally fine with this and confident that everything was going to go well. Thanks to my time with Fresh Start a year and a half ago, I'm able to recognize the anxiety I'm feeling that's rooted in past trauma. I can call it out for what it is, and lean into Jesus and deal with it. It's really hard, and those old feelings of fear are very real.
We haven't told Judah yet about his upcoming appointment.. We've learned that he does better when he doesn't have a lot of time to dwell on something. But it also helps when we have time to talk through something a few times before it happends. So there's a sweet spot there of not too soon but not too late.
I'm praying for Judah's heart. I'm asking the Lord to prepare his heart for what's coming, but also to give him peace and a very real assurance that Jesus is with him, and it will be ok. I'm praying that he will be calm, and that he won't experience the normal amount of fear and anxiety. I'm also praying that these 2 tests will go as quickly and smoothly as possible, and that they will be successful, giving the doctors the information they need.
And, of course, I'm spending time with Jesus for my own self. I don't want even the tiniest bit of my own anxiety to be communicated in any way to Judah, so I'm trusting God to walk me through dealing with that, and I'm trusting Him to completely take the anxiety and fear on that day and replace it with peace and confidence in God's care for Judah.
I'm reminding myself that regardless of how this visit goes, even if the worst happens, that doesn't mean that God abandoned him. Or me. It wouldn't make God any less good or kind. He is exactly who He says He is - Judah's Provider, Rescuer, Comforter, Great Physician, Redeemer, and Abba. I know that He's mine, too.
Will you pray with me in preparation for this day? For any or all of these things I've mentioned? I am so thankful for a community of people, near and far, who love and support us so well. Thank you!
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