A New Year

After wishing Jared a happy new year at midnight on the 1st, I said, "I don't know if I can do another one". I've been a little ashamed of myself for doubting. 2009 was without a doubt the hardest year ever, filled with nightmarish circumstances; and yet, I can see God's hand on and in our lives. His faithfulness, mercy, goodness, and provision. 2010 promises to be filled with the same kind of hard, but why do I doubt God's faithfulness, mercy, goodness, and provision? Why this anxiety and uncertainty...dread even? In the midst of the most challenging trials I've ever faced, I had the privilege of seeing God in ways I never would have otherwise. That doesn't excite me for this year though. Normally I'm eager to start a new year; thrilled at all the possibility and adventure that accompanies a life of following God...especially when you're married to a modern-day Abraham! But this year...

I guess I feel slightly better now that we've survived Judah's first virus. Yes it landed him in the hospital, but it wasn't as bad as my mind made it up to be every time I feared & imaginedthe possibility. The experience was...doable. God orchestrated every detail, gave me wisdom when I needed it, provided great care for Judah, and brought us home sooner than I expected. It's comforting to know that we can go through a hospitalization and everything turned out o.k. Still... This is just where I am right now. Not looking forward to a new year. Wait, before I go on, I need to just stop for a minute and think of 5 things that I can look forward to in 2010. An exercise in positive thinking...or something.

1. My 10 year wedding anniversary with the man of my dreams
2. Judah's 1st birthday
3. A real family vacation
4. Ezra starting kindergarten
5. Christmas

O.k. Well. Those are definitely things I'm excited about. But they really don't change how I feel right now. I have believed for a long time that when God seems silent and/or distant (which He pretty much does) that is when He is bringing about the most change in me, or drawing me closer to Himself in a big way. I can't recognize the change at the time, but I can see it from a distance, when I'm looking back on the time when God seemed so quiet. I'll choose to believe that that's happening now. And I'll cling to my position. I'm actually seated in the heavenlies looking down. Victory is already mine, and God's plans and purposes for me & my darling boy are good and perfect.

That's hard to remember in the midst of one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in the last few months. I've been avoiding this writing. I wasn't ready to process this yet...but it's time. I have been pumping around the clock for 7 months, 1 week, and 3 days. We had to buy another small freezer to store all my milk in for later use. I was committed to pumping for a year, knowing that when I quit I would have a good supply ready to use for Judah. Breastfeeding is extremely important to me. It's been very difficult - painful even - to accept the fact that I can't breastfeed Judah. I just couldn't make that happen for us, and I miss that relationship with him on a daily basis. However, I found comfort in the fact that God was still enabling me to provide for Judah in this way. About 4-6 weeks ago Judah started needing more than I could pump in a day, so we started going to the freezer. After using up what I had frozen most recently, we got to the frozen milk from September. It was thawing sour, and Judah wouldn't take it. Of course not. Without going into all the details, my milk has too much of a certain kind of enzyme in it that causes it to sour after freezing. I never knew this. I'm suddenly standing at the kitchen sink sobbing, pouring sour milk down the drain while Judah is crying, hungry. Jared ran out to buy formula, a first for us. I've had to throw out all of my frozen milk. It makes me sick to think of all the hours and sacrifice that represents, literally thrown away. And it's not just my sacrifice, but Jared's and all 4 of my kids' as well. So now... Now I'm trying to accept this and get past it. I question God about this often - daily - but have yet to get an answer. I have experienced a huge variety of emotions, all negative. I hate formula. I hate being in this position. And there's not a single thing I can do about it. I'm trying to increase my supply, hoping to get Judah off the formula, but I realize that this is completely outside of my control. I feel totally helpless. Part of me just wants to quit pumping now. I hate it and I'm tired. I feel defeated. A bigger part of me, though, is fiercely determined to stick with it until Judah's 1st birthday, giving him whatever I possibly can. *sigh* My faith and experience with Christ requires me to believe that even in this is His good. Or maybe that's Chirst in me pointing me to Himself. There's not one iota of good that I can see in this.
In Isaiah it says:
"My thoughts are not your thoughts
Neither are your ways my ways
For as the heavens are higher than the earth
So are my ways higher than your ways
And my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
I don't really know what to do with that right now...except just believe it.

And that's the beginning of this New Year.

Good News!!

I'm bringing him home today!! Yippee!! Judah has improved and is improving:) He's eating normally again, he's no longer wheezing in his chest, his labored breathing is alomost non-existent, and the doctor trusts me enough to let me care for him at home! (I have to say, I appreciate so much that the doctor that's here showed me a special respect and attention as a mom with a special needs kiddo. I feel built up and more confident.) Judah's chest x-ray showed normal irritation caused by a virus. His blood work and chemistries are normal - a huge praise considering all of his metabolic issues! The dr. still thinks RSV is a strong possibility. The test came back negative, but the culture that comes back in a few days might be positive. At any rate, it's just a nasty virus that needs a few days to run its course...without any extra medication thankyou very much! Judah needed a little extra help to get over the hump, but I'm praising the Lord and giving Him the glory for enabling Judah's body to fight this off. I have always feared his first sickness a little, wondering what it would look like for him and how he would handle it. I knew that God would give us the grace we needed when that happened, and I knew He would carry us...and I was right:)

So excited to get home!!

The Morning After

Praise the Lord for a good night! Judah slept a solid 8 hours last night, allowing his body to get much needed rest & his mommy to do the same! Unfortunately, we had a rough start this morning with rounds, meds, 2 rounds of lab work, and another breathing treatment, but Judah is resting now...content and happy:) I still don't really have any details as to what is going on inside that adorable, chubby little body. The doctor will be coming by any minute to round on him and hopefully give me some answers. I don't know what the chest x-rays showed or if they've determined whether or not this is viral or bacterial. As a precautionary measure he's been placed in isolation. Meaning the flu (H1N1) hasn't been ruled out...so whenever I leave his room - which is almost never - it is strongly suggested that I wear a mask. Jared balked at this a little last night when he came to have dinner with me. I told him it wasn't so bad, and we'd just look like hospital staff! The masks don't do much for kissing, though. Boo. Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that we'll be able to go home today. It depends on how he continues to respond to the breathing treatments (nebulizer), and if he's able to continue eating well. They turned off his iv this morning - YAY - so that's a definite step in the right direction. As I'm writing this a respiratory therapist is in here checking on Judah. She's having a hard time staying focused, though, because Judah keeps smiling and giggling at her. What a joy to see my darling boy interact with the staff and make them smile! He is such a charming little flirt! Little ladies man, surrounded by nurses and student nurses this morning, just eating up all the attention:)

More details later...

Thanks for the continued prayer...

GOD.IS.GOOD.

Unexpected Visit

I'm in the hospital with Judah. A visit to the pediatrician for wheezing, cough/congestion, and loss of appetite turned into an admission at Childrens for a possible infection or virus of some kind. As of now RSV has been ruled out and his blood work came back normal. The results of the chest x-rays will come tomorrow, and hopefully a diagnosis. Don't know yet if this is viral or bacterial. Judah is improving and quickly getting back to his darling little self, charming the nurses with his smiles and coos! 3 nebulizer treatments have helped some and iv fluids have perked him up. I'm hoping to be able to bring him home tomorrow, but that's up in the air right now.

More details tomorrow...

Thanks for praying...

GOD. IS. GOOD.