A New Year

After wishing Jared a happy new year at midnight on the 1st, I said, "I don't know if I can do another one". I've been a little ashamed of myself for doubting. 2009 was without a doubt the hardest year ever, filled with nightmarish circumstances; and yet, I can see God's hand on and in our lives. His faithfulness, mercy, goodness, and provision. 2010 promises to be filled with the same kind of hard, but why do I doubt God's faithfulness, mercy, goodness, and provision? Why this anxiety and uncertainty...dread even? In the midst of the most challenging trials I've ever faced, I had the privilege of seeing God in ways I never would have otherwise. That doesn't excite me for this year though. Normally I'm eager to start a new year; thrilled at all the possibility and adventure that accompanies a life of following God...especially when you're married to a modern-day Abraham! But this year...

I guess I feel slightly better now that we've survived Judah's first virus. Yes it landed him in the hospital, but it wasn't as bad as my mind made it up to be every time I feared & imaginedthe possibility. The experience was...doable. God orchestrated every detail, gave me wisdom when I needed it, provided great care for Judah, and brought us home sooner than I expected. It's comforting to know that we can go through a hospitalization and everything turned out o.k. Still... This is just where I am right now. Not looking forward to a new year. Wait, before I go on, I need to just stop for a minute and think of 5 things that I can look forward to in 2010. An exercise in positive thinking...or something.

1. My 10 year wedding anniversary with the man of my dreams
2. Judah's 1st birthday
3. A real family vacation
4. Ezra starting kindergarten
5. Christmas

O.k. Well. Those are definitely things I'm excited about. But they really don't change how I feel right now. I have believed for a long time that when God seems silent and/or distant (which He pretty much does) that is when He is bringing about the most change in me, or drawing me closer to Himself in a big way. I can't recognize the change at the time, but I can see it from a distance, when I'm looking back on the time when God seemed so quiet. I'll choose to believe that that's happening now. And I'll cling to my position. I'm actually seated in the heavenlies looking down. Victory is already mine, and God's plans and purposes for me & my darling boy are good and perfect.

That's hard to remember in the midst of one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in the last few months. I've been avoiding this writing. I wasn't ready to process this yet...but it's time. I have been pumping around the clock for 7 months, 1 week, and 3 days. We had to buy another small freezer to store all my milk in for later use. I was committed to pumping for a year, knowing that when I quit I would have a good supply ready to use for Judah. Breastfeeding is extremely important to me. It's been very difficult - painful even - to accept the fact that I can't breastfeed Judah. I just couldn't make that happen for us, and I miss that relationship with him on a daily basis. However, I found comfort in the fact that God was still enabling me to provide for Judah in this way. About 4-6 weeks ago Judah started needing more than I could pump in a day, so we started going to the freezer. After using up what I had frozen most recently, we got to the frozen milk from September. It was thawing sour, and Judah wouldn't take it. Of course not. Without going into all the details, my milk has too much of a certain kind of enzyme in it that causes it to sour after freezing. I never knew this. I'm suddenly standing at the kitchen sink sobbing, pouring sour milk down the drain while Judah is crying, hungry. Jared ran out to buy formula, a first for us. I've had to throw out all of my frozen milk. It makes me sick to think of all the hours and sacrifice that represents, literally thrown away. And it's not just my sacrifice, but Jared's and all 4 of my kids' as well. So now... Now I'm trying to accept this and get past it. I question God about this often - daily - but have yet to get an answer. I have experienced a huge variety of emotions, all negative. I hate formula. I hate being in this position. And there's not a single thing I can do about it. I'm trying to increase my supply, hoping to get Judah off the formula, but I realize that this is completely outside of my control. I feel totally helpless. Part of me just wants to quit pumping now. I hate it and I'm tired. I feel defeated. A bigger part of me, though, is fiercely determined to stick with it until Judah's 1st birthday, giving him whatever I possibly can. *sigh* My faith and experience with Christ requires me to believe that even in this is His good. Or maybe that's Chirst in me pointing me to Himself. There's not one iota of good that I can see in this.
In Isaiah it says:
"My thoughts are not your thoughts
Neither are your ways my ways
For as the heavens are higher than the earth
So are my ways higher than your ways
And my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
I don't really know what to do with that right now...except just believe it.

And that's the beginning of this New Year.