It's Over

Yesterday morning I pumped for the last time.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it yet. I have such a wide range of thoughts and emotions swirling through my head and heart...I'm not quite sure how to process it all. Well, actually, I do. My heart has led me here...where I most easily find my way through the difficult, confusing, and conflicting thoughts and emotions to the Lover of my Soul.

So... I realized yesterday afternoon that I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the last 9 years. I have physically nurtured and nourished my children, 1-2 at a time, for almost a decade! There have been extremely hard moments. Nursing throughout a pregnancy definitely the hardest. But I can't really even begin to describe the beauty, the privilege that has been mine these last 9 years as I have met my childrens' needs in ways that only I am uniquely capable (gifted by God) of doing! The last 9 years that I have shared with my babies & toddlers has been deeply personal; profoundly intimate and beautiful. I have loved the relationship that God has granted me with each one of my children. And now it's over. It's just...over.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that God would give me a child I couldn't breastfeed. I could take that personally I guess, since God knows full well how passionate I am about that relationship. But I choose to believe that His ways are above me, and His plans are perfect. I can't understand it, but I know that even in having to let go of the dream of nursing Judah and having to embrace pumping for him, is His good. Maybe God will use this experience to encourage someone else someday. Or maybe God just wanted to teach me more about commitment, sacrifice, selfless love. I still grieve over this loss. I still struggle to let it go...and now to let go of pumping. Even though I hated it. It's a dichotomy. A love/hate relationship with a double electric breast pump...that made me feel like Ol' Bessie. But still provided a way for me to give Judah nourishment that only I could.

Ok. So now the pump is behind me. That's good for the rest of my family. No more telling my kids, "I can't right now, but after I pump..." or "Mommy needs to pump first, but then..." or even "Jared, I'm sorry, but I have to pump one more time before bed." No more pumping on the way to church, or in the car in the middle of a date; no more not doing things because I would have to pump. I sacrificed so much to pump. And as I sit here and write this, I realize that I would sacrifice more if I could. But there's really nothing more for me to do. Except go to the zoo, and play games with my kids or read stories right when they ask, and go down to the river for an afternoon, and spend the day at the beach... It's a relief, definitely. But it's also another loss.

Honestly, I feel like Judah is more vulnerable now. Now that he's not receiving any antibodies or any other kind of "protection" from me. I know that my flesh is trying to get the upper hand. My head - even my heart and soul deep down - knows that it has been God all along that has been responsible for Judah's health, care, protection. All of it. My heart - not so deep down - however, is arguing. Like I said, there is a wide range of thoughts and emotions.

I guess what it boils down to is what I believe about God. He is good. Sovereign. Giver of all that is good. Lover of my soul. Faithful. Merciful. Gracious. He knows my hurt, captures my tears, and gives healing. He gave me the gift of 4 children, and the privilege of physically nurturing and nourishing them. And now He has given me the gift of a new chapter. As I tearfully turn the final page on this one, I eagerly anticipate the new things that God will write for me and my kids in this next one. And I feel freedom.

GOD. IS. GOOD.