And "The Lists" Grow

I'm just frustrated. I wasn't supposed to have to write a blog about this. I thought it was nothing; just an over-cautious, cover-our-bases kind of thing. Certainly not something I was going to have to sit down and spend time writing about. Yet, here I sit. Gr.

"The Lists" - Judah has 3. Medical diagnoses/Issues, Medical Professionals/Service Providers, & Medications. I don't have a number for the diagnoses/issues list, because...well, I don't know why. I guess it's just hard to keep up with, and it's not always black and white. It's complicated. Until this morning the professional/providers list numbered 16, not including the "extras" we see at the Children's Developmental Clinic & the Boys Town Cranio-facial clinic. The meds list numbered 11; 7 of those being daily, 3 "as needed" and 1 "in an emergency". I have now added egg & peanut allergy, Dr. M., Allergist & a junior Epinephrine pen to the lists. I know, some people will read this and think, "After that big build up, all that, that's it? A food allergy? So what! Half of the kids today have some food allergy!" Well, it's not a "so what" thing to me. It's a big deal and I'm frustrated and discouraged by it. After everything else he deals with, everything else on those lists, we now have to add these? Really? Really. Really?!?! I actually feel a little bit mad at God about this. It just seems to me that Judah had enough on his plate already, and this is something we could have lived without.

So, what this means for right now...
Judah will have to go back to the allergist for his flu shot. Because of the egg allergy, he has to have the vaccine in small doses. 4 injections over the course of an hour. That will be so wonderful for him. [Can you see the sarcasm dripping from those words?] Like he doesn't get enough injections? They'll also do a blood draw (marvelous) to determine the severity of the allergies. This doesn't really effect him that much right now, because he eats so little anyway. And whatever table food he tastes just needs to be egg-free. For now, no biggie. For later, I feel like I canNOT deal with allergies and diet overhauls. I'm already praying that Judah will outgrow these allergies!!

**Right after I wrote that sentence, Judah's PT showed up with the AFO guy. Totally forgot they were coming! I got so wrapped up in my post. Anyway, I feel a little better now that I've had time to cool off a bit... I still just don't get it. It's like the revision surgery that's coming up. Why? Why, God, have You allowed what You have? I believe firmly that God's purposes in our lives are real, good, and important; and that everything really does happen for a reason. God is imtimately involved in the details of our lives, and He loves us so much! I just don't know how to reconcile that belief with my anger and frustration right now. Jared says that's OK. This side of Heaven, this stuff probably isn't going to make sense. It's OK to feel these things - to feel - but to realize that we just need to feel, process, trust, process, feel, trust, let go, deal, and process some more. I think he's right. I will continue to feel and process and trust. God's purposes will be revealed someday. And I will continue to hold on to His promise of grace for each day.

I reeeaaally wish this didn't have to be happening to Judah. I hate the thought of him having to experience more pain and difficulty. *sigh* That's it. I got nothin' else. Just...*sigh*...