It's November. Wow. I can't believe it's already November. I can't believe that Judah will be 5 months old this week. I can't believe how time has flown these last couple of months. This month is a big one for us, for Judah. He has a follow-up with the eye specialist tomorrow morning. And then sometime within the next 2-3 weeks he'll have his first surgery, repairing his lip, removing his extra pinkies, and placing tubes in his ears. He needs to be cleared for surgery by his pediatrician first, and I'm still waiting for the results of his follow-up urine sample to make sure the UTI is totally cleared up, but after those things are taken care of the surgeon will be ready to rock 'n roll, so to speak. Because of Judah's other illnesses this is a much bigger deal, and could require a longer stay in the hospital. This surgery also comes with a 3 week recovery process. I'm really struggling with this. Intellectually I know that this is the right and necessary thing to do for him. But my heart is breaking. My beautiful boy! I am so in love with that little face. That wide grin. Those little raspberries he's always blowing. Those tiny fingers. He was made in the image of God, designed by God, and is covered with the fingerprints of God. It's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that God created him so beautifully, but then we have to "fix" it. I so wish time would slow way down so that I could enjoy him this way longer. No, I wish we could just skip this step altogether. Besides battling the sadness of having to say good-bye to that smile, and changing my baby forever, I'm also battling anxiety over the unknown of how Judah will handle everything. It's scary. We've had almost 4 full months out of the hospital, but I'm really not ready to go back. What will I do when I see him on the ventilator again? Can I handle that again? Can I see him "wired" all over again? Tubes, beeps, a sterile hospital room... This is going to be so hard. I need to start collecting verses to take with me when I stay with him. The truths of God's Word, of who God is, of Christ in me doesn't change. I know this. GOD. IS. GOOD. He is already there in that day when Judah goes through this surgery. Thank You, Lord, for the peace that that knowledge brings. You love Judah more than I can even begin to fathom. Far more than I could ever love him. You made him, he is Yours. I have the privilege of knowing him and loving him, but he really belongs to You. I can trust You with him, because You can care for him far beyond any of my capabilities. You are in control. Judah is in Your hands. The surgeon is in Your hands. Thank You.