Yesterday was unexpected. Judah's endocrine appointment was much longer and more involved than I anticipated, and I got a huge boost from his endocrinologist that totally took me by surprise!! I impressed him! I impressed him! I impressed him! The doctor that is so highly intelligent and perfectionistic...I impressed him! Throughout the course of the hour that we were there he told me 4 times that I was a good mom, and couldn't get over how thoroughly I care for Judah in some ways. He blew me away! I'm doing what I know I need to do for Judah, and I often feel inadequate, or like I should be doing more; but this doctor...he gave me wings yesterday! To know that I made such an impression on him, and to have his verbal affirmation made me feel...lighter and wonderful and sooo good. Unbelievable:)

This appointment was somewhat of a turning point for Judah. Not only did the doctor order 3 more injections of testosterone, he also started the process to get Judah approved for growth hormone replacement therapy. Judah's length is falling farther and farther off the growth curve. In 9 months he's only grown about 3 inches. With his diagnosis of PanHypopit., the MRI, thorough charting, and a bone age (kids with growth hormone deficiency have bones that are much "younger" than their actual age, so this is a series of x-rays taken of one side of the body to determine the "age" of the bones) done yesterday, his doctor is confident that the process of getting approval from the insurance company will be a smooth one. We should be starting growth hormone in about a month. This is a very good thing, and without it, Judah really can't survive; however, it's a daily injection for life. [Interesting fact about growth hormone: it's produced & works in your body at night. So, every time you think your kids look bigger in the morning than they did the night before, you're actually right!!] I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that in a month or so I'm going to start injecting my baby with this drug every night. I've had to give him an injection before, and it went really well, but...every night?!?! This is a big deal. This has lasting repercussions. This is going to be really hard. I'm really excited that Judah will finally be moving forward and we'll finally see him grow; but the means to that end makes me feel sick to my stomach. Ugh. It's just another one of those emotional dichotomies that have become so common in my life as Judah's mom.

The ng feedings are going ok. I'm still frustrated with the whole situation more often than not. I don't enjoy feeding Judah. That's so hard for me. Feeding, nurturing, nourishing my babies has always brought me so much joy and contentment - I have loved it! - but to have to let go of breastfeeding, dealing with the cleft issues, and now on to the ng tube again...it's just complicated and frustrating! I'm so thankful that this is temporary. It makes me even more eager for his palate repair. My biggest prayer has become that that repair will also take care of the aspirating, and then we can start over with normal fluids and real food!

We had a follow-up with the pediatrician today to discuss the ng and what's changed in the last few weeks. He told me God gave Judah a great mom. Wow. Two doctors in as many days. God knows I've been running on empty, and He's nourishing me emotionally through Judah's doctors. I did not see that coming!

Speaking of running on empty... I realized today that Judah has had at least 3 appointments a week, every week, since January. Including 2 (blessedly short) hospitalizations. No wonder I feel so weary and tired. It's hard keeping up with all of this. What in the world is all this gonna look like when Judah's 2...or 3...or 5? How does a little kid like that handle stuff like this? Lord, You should probably just come back and take us all Home.

It's been a lot lately. A lot to handle, to digest, to roll with. But I still get to have Judah. And I still get to have my Buddy, my Little Man, and my Merry Sunshine. I still have my best friend. I still have a Savior to carry me. Sometimes I really wish that God would make this all go away. Heal Judah. Change the story that He's writing for him, for me, for our family. I wish that right now; but I choose to cling to the promises that God's grace is sufficient, He has given me everything I need to thrive in this life that He's called me to, He loves me passionately, and He is enough.