Speaking of...

...God's perfect provision... I can't believe I forgot to put in my list the card that came in the mail with a gift card to our favorite restaurant - Chili's!! Huge blessing:)

I also just wanted to do a tiny Judah update. Yesterday he weighed 13 lb. 11 oz. He's gaining weight a little more quickly now that we are using the feeding pump; however, I fear that my hopes of being in size 3-6 mo. by his birthday will not be realized. Oh well. The growth hormone will take care of that soon enough:) Judah also reached his left toes yesterday - finally! Very exciting, since his left side is considerably weaker than his right. And he's so got that rolling from his tummy to his back thing down! It is so fun to play with him on the floor and see him move around more!

Today has been a big day for me. I mentioned that I have been struggling quite a bit lately. A lot of it has revolved around feeling exhausted, worn out, lonely on this journey, and needing a break. Seems like everyone around us has opportunity to get away and refresh (well, even Jared will have a director's overnight in April), but I have not had that chance. I've been running on empty, feeling close to...a very ugly breakdown of some kind. Jared and I have been hoping to get an overnight for our anniversary in June, but that's still months away. We're going to WI next week, and I'm thrilled about that, but Jared won't be with us for most of that visit. He's been asking me what a time of refreshment would like for me. What would fill me up, encourage me, allow me to feel rested, etc. Other than a week away at some resort on a beach, I didn't know. Until this morning. I got out of the shower thinking about it, and all of a sudden it hit me. Time with my cousin would do that for me. I texted Jared right away: "I want to go see my cousin Amy." I thought that he would respond something like, "Ya that would be great. I wish I could make that happen for you." Or "Let's see if we can get down there over the summer." He shocked me when he called a half-hour later to tell me that he found a cheap ticket, and did I want to go this Saturday - Tuesday. WHAT?! Long story short, Judah and I are leavin' on a jet plane! I'm nervous about the layover and having to feed Judah, cart around all his "stuff" plus my pump, and actually pump. Don't know how it's going to go, but I do know the time in OK is so worth it! A big thanks to my wonderful cousin and her wonderful husband for being equally spontaneous!!

The other reason that today is so big for me is because I officially started weaning myself off the pump. Wow, it actually pains me to say that "out loud". Putting it here makes it real. As thoroughly as I hate pumping, it is so hard for me to give it up. I'm producing so little...but I still want to keep that tiny bit going...just to be able to give him something! It's also a pride thing. Ya know, look at what I did for a year for my baby. I need to remember that it's only by God's grace, and His enabling that I could do this for Judah for these 9 1/2 months. It's really God that provided this nourishment for him. But as Judah's mom, it's really hard to let this go. Ok, now the tears come. I have to face all over again that I couldn't breastfeed him...and now this chapter is coming to a close, too. Before I was ready. I mean, I've been ready to be done pumping physically and mentally for...months. But emotionally... *sigh* It's hard being Judah's mom. I love him so much. Ok, I know that weaning is the right decision, it's a good decision for the rest of my family, and it's the decision that God knew I would come to on this day when Judah was born and I pumped for the very first time. He had these days numbered, and just as He provided this special nourishment for Judah, He will continue to provide everything he needs.

Lord, I just need extra grace this first day of letting go. And thank You for my other kids that bring me so much joy...and distract me sometimes from these hard things by asking for stories:)