I've been holding this in for awhile, but now it's just time to let it out and have a good vent session! This whole big family, special needs, ministry wife/family thing is much harder than I ever dreamed it would be! This summer I was so thankful that Jared was in the position he was, because he had plenty of vacation time, very flexible hours, and the ability to work from home or hospital. He was available. He was there. Things have changed to the extent that I really don't know if I can do this. I have struggled - really struggled - with this for the past month. I don't know what the answer is...or if there even is one. O.k. Christ is the Answer. Ya, I know that intellectually, but I don't know where that "pat" answer fits into this. I'm so frustrated and angry with, and torn by this whole situation with our "new normal" and being a "ministry family". And it really just sucks. Jared and I have fought and have struggled. We've been pulled in different directions. We've been exhausted by the stress and pressure that so many new demands and responsibilities have brought. As a way to motivate us (well, me) he said that if we survive this year he'll do everything he can to make a real family vacation happen for us next summer. The whole 2 week extravaganza! Yes, it's been fun, a real bright spot in some dark days, to think and dream about what that vacation would look like. [My favorite scenario takes place in CO:)] Honestly, though, I see 1 of 2 things happening. 1. We really don't survive this year. Or 2. We "survive", but no longer want to take a vacation together. I know that there are women - moms, wives - who have had big families, special needs, and a husband in full-time ministry and have more than survived. They've thrived! They're happy and content and in love with their husbands and have nurtured and raised obedient, well-adjusted kids. I know they've got to be out there. I just don't know who they are. And I'm really not sure I can ever be one of them. It pains me to admit all of this, because it brings me face-to-face with my failings, short-comings, and insecurities. But there it is. I don't think I can do this. It's hard enough to deal with all the kid stuff; but to add a husband and dad in full-time ministry on top of that goes beyond my capabilities. I wouldn't change my kids. I would never change who Judah is. I wouldn't change the man that Jared is. However, I would change some of our circumstances. I would change what life looks like right now. I would change the mom and wife that I am more often than not. I want more time in the day. I want to have fun and relax. I want to be fun and relaxed. I want to be rescued. I want my husband, my best friend, to be home. I want him to have fun and relax, to be fun and relaxed. I want our family to be strong, committed to each other no matter what, always on each others' sides, loving and supportive of one another, and able to fully enjoy each other and have a great time together. And right at this moment I want a pleasant life. Right now I want to be rescued more than I want intimacy with Christ. That's an ugly truth. And it's steeped in my condition. I need a good dose of positional truth. It will come. I know God will minister to me. I know He loves me. I know He wants me. Ugly and all.
The kiddos call.....
Thank you for your honesty, Bethany. I cherish it. And I know God does too and He is neither threatened by it, or diminished by it. Indeed, it gives Him a chance to shine, to show forth His power...we are weak, He is strong.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet...you need to FEEL that and KNOW that in your heart TODAY. So that's what I'm praying for. For Him to touch you and meet you in the way that only He can. I love you!
Just read your past 3 blogs. Want you to know you encourage me every time I see you with Judah held tight to your chest. That you have prayed for US in YOUR time of need.
ReplyDeleteWhen Lyla was 3 months old John started nursing school full time, and was working full time. I couldn't help but think about how easy it would be to drop her off somewhere and go to work every day. Change is so hard, no matter what direction you are going and time will heal wounds that you don't know how to fix on your own. God is so good and he promises to be faithful to you.
When I was looking for scripture to take to the hospital with me this weekend, this was one that I chose:
Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
31 But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
I can't imagine myself "soaring" anytime soon, but I'm counting on "power to the weak, and strength to the powerless" to get me through the next few weeks/months. You can do it too.
Love you,
Lindsey
I am here for you! Been there, done that, but I know more is to come. Many times I wonder what if? What if he was normal and my life would be just like every typical family? It's hard not to think that. HE knows we are human, HE knows we will slide, HE knows what is in your heart. So, stay strong in your faith and HE will get you through these rough moments.
ReplyDeleteAs I read your posts, the last 17 years come flooding back to me.... I just want to take you in my arms and tell you, you will get through this, you will have fun and laugh, your family will have a specialness that they would have never had if it weren't for Judah. My heart aches for you, because I know what you are going through.
So, with that I just want to tell you if God has gotten me through these last 17 years HE will bring you through. Stay strong and know you have many prayer warriors praying for you.
God's love and mine, diane
Wow, Beth... I've been thinking about you lately. This post is very honest. I hope you guys DO get to come to Colorado soon! Would be great to see you all and spend some time together...
ReplyDelete