A New Favorite

I think I have a new favorite book. I'm only on chapter 11 (they're short, so I'm still just at the beginning), but Mary Beth Chapman's "Choosing to SEE" is fast becoming a book that I will read over and over again. I had no idea that I shared so many similarities with her. We are both perfectionistic control freaks, melancholy, pessimistic, and are both married to amazing men who love us completely in spite of ourselves, are faithful, and are unreasonably optimistic at times! Both of us have also had to learn that we are helpless apart from God, and that He is in control - NOT us. He is our constant source of sufficiency and grace. Anyway, I just finished reading chapter 10, and just had to include an excerpt here.

[She always wanted to be a different woman from the one God made her to be, comparing herself with other women like Beth Moore, Ruth Graham, and Mother Teresa. Holy smokes, can I relate to living my life in the hopeless habit of comparing! She goes on to say...]

"But God made me the way He did and gave me the story we're living. And even though I am not your usual candidate for celebrity wifedom, I believe it is all about showing off His glory. If a lot of people are watching our faith journey, our marriage, and our family because of Steven's musical success, then that's great, because it will help to shatter the illusion that Christians are supposed to be perfect. People need to know that Christian leaders, singers, preachers, writers, whoever, are as cracked and broken as the next person. Maybe more so. Hopefully they are in positions of leadership, though, because they are serious about following Christ, and so people can see that real success in the kingdom of God is not about being strong and looking good and knowing all the right answers. It's about continually yielding oneself to Jesus and determining to take purposeful little steps of obedience, and the ragged reality that it's all about God and His grace at work in us.
I can relate with the pain and great sweeps of melancholy in the Psalms. But I can also relate with the way David always returned to his hope in the Lord. His pain was real, but so was his hope. He is the One who will cause our stories to ultimately end secure and well, right in His arms." [bold italics are mine]

Obviously I am NOT a celeb's wife...and certainly never will be. But I am married to a man who has committed his life to ministry, who is passionate about his work for the Lord, and who is slightly more of a "public figure" than the average person. The man is a networking maniac! I can't believe how many people he knows around here! But, that's beside the point. I know that through this blog, through Jared's work, and through our life experience, people are watching. They see us. Her point about God's grace and our commitment to yielding and obedience is what really struck a chord. Ach, I feel like I'm not saying this well at all. How do I communicate clearly how this one small passage in her book touched me and gave me a wonderful sense of commonality and community with this wonderful lady? Gr. I guess... From the time I started this blog, people have told me how strong I am, how strong my faith is, what an amazing mom and wife and Christian I am. This passage hit me, because she said exactly what I've felt and tried to say: It's HIM! I am lost without Him. I have dark days - many - when I feel like I'm barely treading water, just on the brink of drowning. I'm broken. It's Jesus in me, His help and grace that gives me the desire to yield myself to God and His work in me. It's grace. Ya know? There is so much pain...but there is even more hope. He is my Hope.

OK, I think that's as good as it's going to get. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about Mary Beth ever finding this humble corner of the blog world and seeing how I butchered her work! Although, if I ever did have the privilege of meeting her one day, I would thank her for her honesty and transparency. For being broken to the point that she would allow God to use her unimaginably painful story to reach out to and touch other women, creating community, and pointing us to Christ.