The "Ugly" One

I think I'm ready to write about Judah's revision surgery. It actually ties into something that's been percolating in my brain for a few months now. A dear friend of mine faced a huge disappointment, and in her process of grief and working through it, she posed the question (my paraphrase): "Does everything really happen for a reason? Maybe some things just happen." That has stuck with me all this time, primarily because I feel so strongly about my answer. And my gut reaction to her statements surprised me. At first I was angry. I was looking at her situation through my own lens of experience, comparing the grief of her disappointment to my own grief over having a sick child. Totally unfair of me, I know. I got over it quickly. My next reaction went something like this: "I absolutely cannot believe that Judah was born sick and disabled just because. By accident. I can't deal with that. I have to believe that God, in His sovereignty, has a reason." I still feel that way, but kept searching, in my own mind, for concrete evidence of that. Much later I came to the conclusion that, if we can so easily attribute good things to God, than we had better be able to attribute the "bad" things to Him as well. Not that He causes them, or purposely hurts us; but that, in His sovereignty and goodness He allows trials and pain into our lives...but only after they pass through the filter of His will. This is a Scriptural principle, but I don't know that I could point to any specific reference to prove this. No, I believe that if I studied it out, I could find several verses to support this. I just haven't done that. So far, all of this has just been in my mind. Finally, just since yesterday, I think I can better articulate what's been on my mind. Romans 8:28 and other verses that talk about being conformed into the image of His Son, or trials producing fruit in our lives are concrete evidence that hard stuff does happen for a reason, at the same time offering us hope. However, what really convinces me is not any one verse...or even a list of Scripture references. It's my life experience with Him. I have studied His Word throughout my life, very intensively in Bible school, and the conclusion that I come to is that His very character emanates from His Word. He is good and faithful, loving and gracious, kind and just, holy and merciful. Completely trustworthy. I can trust Him to allow horrible, painful, ugly things into my life for a purpose. A good one. And I can trust Him to bring about good from it, for His glory. His character is written into every word throughout Scripture, but you can only know that better and more fully by, not only studying His Word, but by living in Him. By holding on tight to Him in each and every painful circumstance. At times, by sheer blind faith. Sometimes it's so hard to accept the pain and grief, but clinging to Him is our only hope.

Life sucks. It's a fact that we are forced to live with, because there's sin in the world and we're all hopelessly lost and depraved without Him. And even when we do know Him we're still sinners. The fact remains that there is reason and purpose in our lives, because He is the Author of them. He is also the Author of hope. He is our Hope.

So, looking at Judah's next surgery through this perspective means that I still feel anger and frustration, I ask why and I let God know exactly how I feel about it. I pray for a miracle. But I trust Him with Judah and with the pain that this circumstance will bring about. I choose to believe that God will cause good to come out of this, and that part of the reason will be to bring Him glory. I cling to the Hope that is mine, and Judah's (though he doesn't yet understand that), and to the promise that someday there will be no more "whys?", because we'll be Home. I know that if He doesn't choose to heal Judah before surgery, I can trust Him with my frustration and disappointment over that. And I trust Him to equip me (and Judah somehow) for this leg of the journey.

GOD. IS. GOOD.