This has been a looong week, and I've had my doubts as to whether or not we'd actually make it to today. Judah and I have been in the ER every 24 hrs. since Sunday. It's been an emotional week as I've wrestled with God over why and why not. It's been draining emotionally, spiritually, physically, and maritally. I am so ready for this to be over. Way over. But there are no guarantees that we'll go back to our normal pre-infection days. That's where I've been struggling to remember that God takes me one day, one step at a time. And I've struggled to pursue praise throughout this week as well.
Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, bretheren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatecer is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
[Copied from the notecard Jared gave to me to keep close.]
Sunday night Jared and I became convinced that something was wrong with Judah's central line. We had no idea what it was, but something was just not right. I took him to the ER, and sure enough, the central line that would last for a year had become displaced and was in his neck. They had to pull it and sent him home with an IV. I knew that wasn't going to work, because Judah has fragile veins and doesn't keep IVs for long; but that was the only option at the time. I climbed into bed at 2:15 Monday morning. Monday night at 9:30 I took Judah back to the ER, because his IV had infiltrated ("gone bad"). We came home after 11 with a new IV. Tuesday morning I called the nurse in the Infcetious Disease office and asked if we had a contingenecy plan for the next time the IV infiltrated. Nada. She gave me her pager number so I could call her directly - just in case - though she was hopeful that the IV would hold til Fri. Tuesday evening I called her to let her know I had had to pull it. She was genuinely sad about that, which helped. After talking to the dr., she called me back with 3 options, in order of the doc's preference.
1. Restart another IV so he could stay on his current antibiotic.
2. Go in for a daily shot in each leg of Rocefin (an antibiotic used for pyelonephritis, and one Judah has had before).
3. Use oral antibiotics.
The goal was to get to surgery healthy. The choice was mine. What a horribly difficult decision! When I weighed all the facts, the consequences of each decision, the risks, and each possible outcome (while a part of my brain is begging God for wisdom) I came to the conclusion that the injections were the best thing in this situation. Making a decision that would cause Judah physical pain made me sick to my stomach. And that first night of injections in the ER made me second guess myself. The nurse called me on Wednesday morning and told me she had thought about us all night. She said she was so proud of me for making that decision, and that's what she would have done also. That affirmation was exactly waht I needed (thank you, Lord)! So, we were in the ER for shots the last 3 evenings, and now we're finally here.
Judah is currently in surgery. It's going to be a longer procedure because of the complications Judah's taking into surgery, and because of the effects of being less than 2 weeks out from infection. I'm not feeling anxious at the monent; but even at the 11th time under anesthesia since the NICU, this isn't any easier. It's still so hard to let him go. I can't even pretend to be in control when he's in the OR.
Thanks so much for praying us through this. I don't understand why God does or allows what He does; but I feel like I have no choice but to trust Him. He is the only One who has proven Himslef to be completley trustworthy; and Judah is His. I want to hold him tight, but he's not really mine to keep. God, that's hard. I'm so glad You're holding him when I can't.
"Funny" Jud-ini story:
On the way home from the ER yesterday Judah was in his carseat. The nephrostomy bag was tucked into the back of his shorts, and he was sitting on it. I pulled into the driveway, came around to get Judah...and saw that something wasn't quite right. Then it hit me. The bag was in front of him, and the blue cap that's not supposed to screw off was, in fact, off. Instantly I thought "CHOKING HAZARD"! Then I found it...and what happened sunk in. The child had somehow gotten a hold of his bag, chewed the blue cap totally off, and emptied half his bag onto himself and his seat. Oh. My. Thankfully, Daddy was able to save the day and reshape the chewed cap and tip so they could fit back together and the bag could then be closed. Seriously. Oh. My.
Hoping to be home on Sunday...
No comments:
Post a Comment