This one will be ugly. Sometimes these posts are for everyone, to keep you informed about Judah and what's going on. Sometimes...honestly, they're for me. A way to process what's happening. A way to work through grief, frustration, anger, fear, or whatever else is battling for prominence in my heart. This is one of those. I fear that if I don't write down these angry feelings I'm dealing, I won't be able to process and work through this. I don't mind you reading it. Maybe God will do something here. Actually, that's what I'm counting on. Just wanted you to know what this was up front.
I'm angry. I'm really just plain mad. When I think about all the things that I could be or want to be mad at, I can't help but trace it back to God, because He's the One in control. Which means that I'm really just mad at God. As I say that, I'm reminded of verses that say something to the effect of "I'M GOD! Who are you?". I know. You are God; I am not. But You created me to feel deeply. To be passionate. And You called me to a life that You were going to fill with these emotions! My emotional make-up mirrors Yours! Not perfectly, obviously, but You are deeply emotional and overwhelmingly passionate. So, I need to feel! I don't want to be angry with You! That's why I'm here. I'm expecting You to show up. I can't live with this anger. I can't be who You want me to be when I feel frustrated with You. This isn't just about me. This involves my husband, my children, those within my sphere of influence, and those without. That's a lot of people. And I don't want to be that wife or mom or friend or stranger or whomever that totally ruins Your image and Name because of how I behave or what I say. Or how I say it. Blech!
So here's what I don't get. Why can't our plans just happen? We have made so many good plans for our family - small things, big things, in the middle things - and every one has fallen through since the end of June. Our anniversary. A trip to WI. Lunch dates. Labor Day weekend plans. Camping. Time with friends. Even littler things, but there's always something. It's mostly been hospital stays that have intruded. A couple times it's been another kiddo that comes down with something. But, seriously, it's always something. My kids have had to give up so much this summer. They've been thrust into uncomfortable, unpredictable situations; they've lost out on fun; they've given up Mom and normal routine and family stuff; they've lost security. I can hear bitterness. I don't want to be bitter. That's why I knew I had to get here. The Word has been hugely encouraging to me throughout the summer; but somehow, it just hasn't been enough to deal with this. Unless I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm not even thinking super clearly. If I try to get to the root of the problem, I know it's something in my heart. Selfishness? Pride? Bitterness? I can't nail it down. God, You see my heart. You know what it is.
I desire to be like Paul. I want to be so singularly focused on God's glory and His Kingdom that my circumstances - whatever they may be - aren't devastating. That everything isn't such a big deal. I don't want to survive, just getting through the day, waiting for the next ball to drop. Feeling anxious about when the next hospitalization is going to be. Not being able to look forward to plans we have in the near future, because I don't really believe they're going to happen. I want to see Judah suffer, see my kids hurt, make sacrifices, yet be so consumed with Christ that it doesn't hurt so much. That I'm more concerned about Kingdom-building than I am with these other things. But I just don't know if that's possible. Maybe He consumes us with Himself, changes our attitudes and perspectives, gives us an overwhelming desire for His glory and His Kingdom...but still lets it hurt the same. Because that keeps us running to Him and longing for Heaven. Life is so unfair. Maybe I've been looking too much at what this life supposedly has to offer, and have taken my eyes off the Prize. God, I don't know how to get over this summer. And the things we are still having to give up. I can't do it. I'm broken. I need You to do it...but You're just not coming to the rescue fast enough.
I want my children to see joyful living. I want them to see victory, living above the circumstances, joy that defies pain. I want them to see life that goes beyond just surviving. A life that is lived in complete dependency on a Sovereign, Compassionate Father, finding contentment and completeness in Him alone, regardless of what He does or allows. Because of what He does or allows! How do I show this to my kids when I fail so completely? When they see the tears and hear the questions? I want an attitude of dependency and joy and trust that is genuine and transparent. I want to be authentic, allowing those around me to see my struggles; but I also want them to see joy in the midst of that, and victory on the other side. I come into contact with dozens of medical staff and students here at Children's on a daily basis. I feel a weight of responsibility to be an accurate representation of who Christ is. I can fake my attitudes and gloss over my emotions; but then I'm doing an injustice to God's grace and rescue in my life. I just don't know how to balance authenticity with caution or respect for where others are in their lives. I don't even know if that makes sense. It does in my head. And, thankfully, I have the Holy Spirit to translate. God, You get it.
Would You give me something? A verse? A word? A passage? Something to take away from here? I need to know that You're going to get me out of here. That You're going to heal my heart and move me past this summer and beginning of fall without the anger and bitterness. That You're going to enable me to let. it. go.
Are You kidding me? I just opened my Bible to look around a little bit, and the Book opened to Thess. 5:16-18. I don't usually buy into that whole I-just-opened-my-Bible-and-God-told-me-what-to-do-right-there mentality, but...are You serious? "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Fine. If that's how it's going to be, then let's unpack this a little bit. I see a choice here. I have to choose to rejoice, pray, and give thanks. It doesn't just come naturally. Especially in the midst of trials. But why rejoice first? It makes more sense to pray first, asking for help to rejoice. Because choosing to rejoice first allows me to approach You with a humble, willing, teachable heart? Because a heart that rejoices doesn't have room for bitterness? Because our outward appearance and behavior is a reflection of what's in our hearts, and that's what the world sees? Hmmm... Pray. And not just those one or two word "Lord, help" kinds of prayers. An attitude of prayer. A constant awareness that our hearts are in the very presence of the Throne of Grace. A lifestyle of dependence that defines our thoughts and attitudes. Right? Praying without ceasing would require total transparency with our Creator, recognizing who we are and Who He is. But it also requires self-sacrifice and a heart for others. Surely this kind of prayer life is others-centered. Hmmm... Give thanks. IN everything. #3 conscious choice. I know from experience that being thankful, even when I don't feel like it, changes my perspective, my attitude, how I relate to others. A thankful heart is powerful. Pursuing genuine thanksgiving will lead to humility and a transformed heart. And this kind of lifestyle will speak volumes to the world! This is God's will for me. This is what He wants for me. At the center of it is this: He wants my heart. I thought He had it, but I realize now that I have been holding onto things outside of my control, allowing seeds of bitterness to grow and choke my heart. I have been squeezing the life out of my own heart. I need to relinquish that illusion of control, and give Him my whole heart. Every part of it. OK, so... Here.
Lord, You have my heart. All of it. I surrender. You are better than...anything and everything. I'm sorry for holding so tightly to my own wants and what I think is best. I'm sorry for holding onto my anger. I choose You over my anger. I choose Your best over what I think is best. I choose Your will for my children over mine. I choose Your Life over a pleasant life. I choose Your plan for Judah over what I want for him. I choose to trust You. I choose to praise and thank You. And I choose to rejoice. HELP! It will only be You in me. God, I'm so glad that You're good, and that Your definition of "good" is so much more than I can comprehend. I'm so glad You see the big picture. And yet You choose to sit with me and hold my hand.
God, You showed up. You never disappoint.
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