To the Man of My Dreams

Jared,

Today didn't turn out the way we planned. It wasn't what we hoped it would be. We've learned a lot about that recently. That things don't often go our way...BUT GOD is trustworthy and His ways are better. Perfect. There is one thing that must go according to plan, however. I cannot end this day without telling you, without attempting to tell you how I feel about you.

When we got married 11 years ago, I thought I knew what love was. I thought I could love you the way a wife is supposed to love her husband. I thought I could serve and obey you. Follow you. I thought it would be easy because I was so in love with you! Jared, I was so wrong. Yes, I loved you; but it was with a selfish, immature, romantic kind of love that blinded me to how challenging marriage can be. I was ready to commit to you for the rest of my life; but I didn't understand what it would mean to love you for the rest of my life. I know you think you were immature back then, too, and in some ways you were. But in the last 11 years, more than anything else, you have taught me how to love. Because you LOVE me. Sometimes you have used words to communicate with me how you've needed to be loved. But when I think about who you are as my husband, my best friend, my earthly protector and provider, I think about all the ways you have shown love to me. Your examples of consistent servant hood and sacrifice; your faithfulness to me not only physically, but also in your thoughts and emotions; your willingness to partner with me in raising our children and managing our home; your affection for me; your pride in me and commitment to build me up in front of others; your faithful letters; your patience and compassion; your passion to know who God is, to serve Him wholeheartedly, and to see me follow that same lifestyle of intimate relationship with Him - these are the ways in which you have taught me to love. You love me so completely, so selflessly, that there's nothing else for me to do but to desire to love you better, as well as the God who has enabled you to love so like He does.

Jared, I know that I don't love you like I should. I fail miserably because I am selfish. Because I try to love you out of what I have left over, rather than out of the abundance that is mine because of Christ. Honey, I'm sorry. Forgive me for putting myself first. For choosing to meet the kids' needs often above yours. Forgive me for not giving you the very best of myself. You are truly an extraordinary man, and I often feel like I don't give you nearly what you deserve! Of course, then I'm reminded of how much salt and spice I've added to your previously dull, quiet, "good", hopelessly boring life...and then I don't feel quite so bad. *wink wink*

Honey, on this anniversary, having 11 years of real love tutoring under my belt, knowing what true love is, I commit to love you better. I desire to love you in the ways you need to be loved, and to be faithful and consistent in showing you love. I desire to serve you better and to show you love by showing you respect. I want you to know that I do respect you. But I know that I don't show it often enough, and that I frequently disrespect you, even when I don't mean to. I commit my life to you again. I will follow you, be faithful to you, and be by your side - your biggest fan, your best friend - for the rest of my life. You're it. There's nobody else. There never really was. Once I fell for you, there was no getting back up. Even when I tried to convince myself that I could get over you, I was deceiving myself. And anyway, with that red hair and all those kids you gave me, your job security is solid.

Jared, God has given us a life together that is so full and rich. Not "pleasant", but so much more than that. So full of God's grace and faithfulness. Full of His provision. He's added so much depth and intimacy to our relationships with each other and with Him. He's taught us how to trust Him with the small things, but also with our most priceless treasures. He's carried us through storms, pain and heartbreak I never thought possible. He's refined us and changed us, and drawn us closer to Him and each other. We are not the man and woman we were 11 years ago. I am the woman I could never be without you.

Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for letting me journey right alongside you; not in front or behind. Thank you for allowing me to be the woman God destined for me to be, and for pushing me to keep pursuing Him and His plan for me. Thank you for loving me to my very core; battle scars, wounds, imperfections, willful rebellious attitudes and all. Thank you for allowing me to be different from you. Thank you for encouraging me and building me up. Thank you for doing everything within your power to truly understand me. Thank you for choosing to look past my mistakes and unintentional failures, because you know my heart. Thank you for making me feel beautiful every single day. Thank you for treating me like a woman, for caring for me and being a gentleman. Thank you for seeing in me what others won't, don't, or can't. Thank you for always being on my team. Thank you for giving your whole self to me.

Honey, I can't wait for the rest of our lives together. I know that there will be pain and uncertainty. I know that there will be fights and hurt feelings. But you are the one for me. God made us for each other. With Him before me and you beside me how could life be anything but truly good?

I love you.

ylw

Pray for Judah

Just a brief note to ask you all to pray for Judah! It's been a crazy, long, full, exhausting, hard 30-ish hours for him. He got sick on Wednesday, high fever and some vomiting. (When you have a child that doesn't get fevers all of a sudden get fevers - high ones - it's weird and scary.) Took him to the ped. on Thursday morning, and he was admitted at Children's a couple hours later. So much has happened since then. Information overload, then changed information, then new information, and now a new plan of action.

Here's what I know for sure:

Judah's right kidney is full of infection and very dilated. They are concerned that there may be an obstruction somewhere in there. He's having a special scan done at 3 today to determine whether or not there is.

They now know the germ that caused the infection and are treating it with 2 antibiotics.

His fever is improving. As a matter of fact, just 30 min. ago it was normal - Thanks, Lord! My prayer is that it doesn't spike again.

What I don't know for sure:

He may have a UTI and the infection may be in his blood. We won't know for sure until the blood and urine cultures come back. If the infection started in the urine (the bacteria would be in the culture) then Urology would seriously consider doing a surgical repair now, rather than wait til he's 5. If the bacteria is in the blood, the medication and treatment changes a little bit.

I don't know how long we'll be here. He needs to be fever free for awhile, and we need to know exactly what we're dealing with.

I appreciate your prayers for these things, as well as all the details that come up during a hospital stay. I appreciate prayers for wisdom for me as I try to be the very best advocate I can be for Judah. Sometimes I feel sorely inadequate; but then I remember that God uniquely gifted me for this task and gave me the privilege of being Judah's mom. Last night Jared and I were talking about how loving Judah so much makes these things hurt more. I think, though, that loving him enough to allow myself to feel and experience his pain with him makes me a better advocate. It makes me a better mom. For my other kids, too.

Thanks everyone!

Tennessee, How I Miss Thee

After 7 days in beautiful Tennessee with my (very nearly) entire extended family, cloudy cool weather her at home is a major downer. I'm trying to get everything unpacked, my kitchen put back together, laundry folded...games played, puzzles put together, stories read...oh, the life of a busy mom. The success in the domestic realm is minimal, but time with the kids is worth it. Or so I remind myself often as the clutter on the counters, laundry on the floor, and dirt in the bathroom threatens to overwhelm me and cause need for a brown bag as I hyperventilate. And then I decide that time here is worth it, too, so I forgo my domestic responsibilities a little longer...

The time with family in TN was priceless! Every reunion - every 3 years - gets better than the last. The biggest parts of that are the growth and maturity of my kids; and the experiences with Christ and in life that make relationships with my family members deeper, richer, and wonderful to share. (Of course, it also helps that every reunion includes new family members & babies!)

We got to "live" with one of my favorite people on the planet and her family of 6. Do the math. That's right, 12 of us in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom cabin (more like a small house) for a week. I don't think I've ever had so much fun! Sharing meals together, working in the kitchen together, watching our kids play and interact, laughing, sharing burdens, challenging each other - It. Was. Awesome.

I loved getting to better know girls that have married into the family in the last 3 years that I now have the privilege of calling "cousin". I loved catching up and sharing with an extended cousin who also has a burden for students and works with them. I loved spending time with a younger cousin and his "new" bride, talking about the little girl they're expecting, Bible school, kids, and future camping trips together. I loved worshipping with these men and women that I am honored to call family here on earth, but have the exciting privilege of spending eternity with, too! I loved praying with them. I loved...a lot about this week!

I haven't laughed so much or so hard in a very long time. Playing games with any Narwold boy (that includes you Debelaks, too) or Phil is a hilariously entertaining adventure! Oh my. I laughed so hard the tears came when hearing family memories that ranged from inappropriate to downright embarrassing. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at bunnies the same way again.

I was immensely blessed to see my family so thoroughly and completely love Judah. That was good for my heart. I can't wait till the day when he can understand how blessed he is to be in the family that God placed him.

What a joy to see my other kids run and play for 7 days straight with cousins, cousins, and more cousins! To experience campfires, fishing, mini-golf, paddle boats, NERF & light saber wars, shell-collecting, swimming, sandcastle-building - fellowship - with cousins!

We got to top off the week with a wedding. We are now 1 more strong. Welcome to the family, J.N.! We might be a little crazy and overwhelming at times, but you couldn't ask to be a part of a more wonderful family...battle scars and all. I may be a little bias, but I think you'll agree. I also think we are pretty blessed to have you as one of our own. The wedding was sweet and simple; the bride and groom so beautiful in their straightforward commitment to God and each other. I can't remember the last time I was at a ceremony so saturated in prayer. It was a breath of fresh air.

For the next 3 yrs. we'll be talking about this reunion. Remembering, laughing, and eagerly anticipating the next one! We'll look often at this bottle, filled with memories, and smile. And then pray for the family that it represents.

God. Is. Good.

Surgery Date

I don't have much time to write, but wanted to get this out there right away. I just got off the phone with the scheduler, and Judah's palate revision/hernia repair has been scheduled for August 8th. I'm nervous already. I keep praying for a miracle, because quite honestly, I still tear up when I think about the last palate surgery. It was a nightmare for him - so helpless, scared, in pain, confused - and so it was a nightmare for me; because I was completely inadequate to help and comfort him as I watched him suffer. *And the tears come.* I pray desperately that God would still close that hole; and then I pray desperately that if the answer is no, that He would somehow make this procedure and recovery easier for him. Pray with me!

Thanks.

Back to Neurology

I was initially pretty disappointed that we had to put Judah's neurologist back on his list, but the appointment went really well. I finally "clicked" with her, and felt like there was some kind of connection there. Thank You, Lord.

In her opinion the drooping eyelids and inability to look to the right is most likely a brain stem problem. More often than not, kids with muscle disease don't have reflexes, and Judah does; however, she said that alone is not a good enough test to determine the absence of disease. So, the first step is another MRI. It's been 11 months since the last one, and he's grown A LOT, so she'll get a much better picture of his brain than she has in the past. My prayer for this is that Judah won't have to be intubated when they sedate him. This would be a first, and it would make the whole process much easier for him. Pray with me! If the MRI is normal (which is obviously another prayer of mine) then we might consider having a muscle biopsy done when he's under anesthesia for the palate revision in August. I'm not excited about this. It's totally minor; but we're still talking about taking a piece of muscle, a 1 in. scar, and just another procedure. And there's no great indication at this point that he does have a muscle disease...at least as far as the neurologist is concerned. I guess the prayer here is two-fold: that I will just take one thing at a time, not worrying about what might be next; and that God will continue to give us and our doctors wisdom each step of the way.

I'm thankful that we're on the road to resolving this issue for Judah. I just wish the doctors and all the medical technology traveled at a much faster speed.

Terrific Two's

No such thing as "Terrible Two's" when we're talkin' about Judah, so... Happy Terrific Two to our Amazing Little Lion! It's unbelievable that he's TWO; but he made it, and he makes it look good! He got a birthday haircut last night, and he didn't cry. Not even once! He didn't like it, but he at least tolerated it. And I did get a good smile out of him.

This morning we had close friends and "family" over for a birthday brunch. It was perfect! The weather was great for playing outside, good food, good fellowship, fun presents. It's a morning I wish he could remember. He is so loved!

I don't feel at all sappy or melancholy like I thought I would. I'm dreading the next time a stranger asks how old he is, but other than that I'm just enjoying him and this milestone too much to focus on much else. The melancholy and mixed emotions will come. It always does.

For now all I can say is Thank You Jesus for this little boy & the tremendous gift that he is to our family!!! Love, love, love you Judah!

Birthday haircut last night

Birthday "squeeze hugs" from Lydia

Happy Birthday from "Granny"

Floor time with his Buddy

And the presents...which he actually opened this year!

Grief, 6 Year Old Style

Apparently the grieving process, in regards to poultry, is pretty short. At least when you're 6. Ezra started asking for a new chick within several hours of losing Lovely. I guess there's no appropriate waiting period...when you're 6...and we're talking about a chicken. So, of course, being the parents we are (which I sometimes wonder about), we started looking for another chick. On Thursday, Jared took Ezra into Council Bluffs so he could get his new chick.

Welcome to the family, Lovely 2.0!

Naturally, the company wouldn't allow Jared to buy just 1 chick. Even though we already had 2 more waiting at home. So, again, being the parents that we are (wondering, wondering)...

Welcome to the family, Tula!

That's right. We now have FOUR chickens. Four. Chickens. I actually can't help but chuckle about it. *sigh* This wonderful walk with Jared is certainly full of surprises. I'm thankful to have married a man that makes life more fun and adventurous. Emphasis on adventurous!

In Memorium

The Stewart family has suffered its first casualty. It's really Ezra's loss, but we're all sad. Lovely got out of the coop somehow Tuesday night, and...well, things didn't go well for her after that. When Eli went to feed the chicks in the morning she was missing. He, Ezra, and I started searching for her, and 5 minutes later it was Ezra that found her. Poor, poor Little Man. I'm not sure why God allowed Ezra to find her. It would have been easier for him had it been me, or even Eli. But we've had several talks since then about Who God is and where He is when life is sad and unfair. I said that Lovely probably didn't feel any pain, and that when the animal got her it was "over" quickly. I guess I don't know that for sure, but that's what we're going with...so Lydia's been thanking God over and over for protecting Lovely from the painness and the deathness. We did have to talk about the whole pets-in-Heaven scenario. Not easy, but Ezra has been handling the situation pretty well. So, in remembrance of Lovely...

Big, brown eyes

Lit up with glee.

His own little chick,

Ezra's Lovely.

Little black chick

Sweet as can be.

Soft and cuddly,

Ezra's Lovely.

Little Man hands

Protecting and loving,

Holding and caring;

Ezra's Lovely.

Little black chick

Sweet as can be.

Lost her way,

Ezra's Lovely.

Big, brown eyes,

Filled up with tears.

Tender heart broken...

His dear little chick,

Ezra's Lovely.

Droopy Jud-y Update

We took Judah to Children's this morning to be tested for Myesthenia Gravis. For anyone else it would be a simple procedure. Review the risk factors, answer all the medical history questions, get the injection, monitor for 60 minutes. Done. Not quite that simple for Judah. The drug that is injected into the muscle can cause a decrease in heart rate and/or nausea and vomiting. When your body doesn't produce cortisol (your body's answer to stress) risk factors - even relatively minor ones - take on new meaning. Judah needed to have a stress dose of his "stress" medication intravenously before he could receive the drug. It's just not fair. Nothing about his life seems fair. Usually I don't think about it that way; but when your baby is crying in pain while the nurse puts in the IV and you have to hold him down, and you're trying to talk soothingly and reassuringly in his ear and it's just taking forever and he's just hurting and doesn't understand why...well, the concept of "fair" comes to mind. Gah. It just really sucks sometimes. I'm thankful that it only took 1 stick this time. I'm thankful for caring nurses who don't like to hurt their adorable little patients. But, God... It's not fair that things for Judah have to be so complicated.

OK, I think I'm done whining. For now. I mean, I really do feel this way, but I think I'm over it...momentarily. Anyway, praise the Lord that Judah didn't experience any of the possible side effects of the drug, and the test actually came back negative!

So... It's great that Judah does NOT have this disease; however, his ophthalmologist strongly believes that he has some kind of neuro-muscular problem which is causing the droopy eyelids, as well as his inability to move his eyes to the right. We've had to re-add his neurologist to "the list", and will be seeing her in a couple of weeks. My prayer is that we can resolve this quickly - whether it's something in his brain or just the need for a surgical repair - because Judah's obstructed vision is really starting to get in his way. He's started bumping into things when he crawls. It's only cute and funny until he conks his head and hurts himself.

Cool thing that happened today...

I have met so many nurses that have kids with special needs, and today was no different. This nurse, though, has a son with similar challenges and even a couple of the same diagnoses as Judah! We were able to talk mom-to-mom about the same doctors and issues. We were even able to laugh about some things that "normal" people just don't laugh about. It was...refreshing. Thanks for that, Lord.

Not so cool thing that happened today, but something to add to Judah's Mess-capades:

Judah's IV was buried under a mound of tape while his hand was placed on a "board" and then had this special sticky stuff wound around it about a hundred times. Pretty secure. Unless your Judah and have a determined spirit and an insatiable desire to chew. Little Champ just pulled that IV right out, leaving all of the tape and "board" securely in place, and went right to his mouth with it. Ew. I caught him just before it got there. Phew.

My Strengths

I just took the "Strengths Finder 2.0" test. Jared had taken the test shortly after we moved here. It was a YFC thing. I took it, because there's a couple here that is going to go over our strengths with us, and teach us how to best utilize our strengths within our marriage. I'm really excited about it! I've always known that Jared and I make a great team, but this will help us fine tune some things, and also learn more about each other and what makes us tick from the inside out. Our communication might improve, how we relate to each other, how we meet each other's needs. So, anyway, I took the test yesterday. I'm not really sure what I was expecting; but when I got my results I was actually disappointed. None of my strengths are particularly special. Nothing especially attractive or fun or anything that would really draw people. Nothing the least bit sparkly or charismatic. I even feel like my top 5 strengths are such that a person really has to get to know me before they can recognize any of these things and be positively effected by them.

My top 5 strengths are:

Belief - I have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for my life.

Intellection - I am characterized by my intellectual activity. (Really?) I am introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.

Input - I have a craving to know more. I like to collect and archive all kinds of information.

Responsibility - I take psychological ownership of what I say I will do. I am committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

Restorative - I am adept at dealing with problems. I am good at figuring our what is wrong and resolving it.

There are several paragraphs under each strength about what might make me stand out from others who have the same theme in their top 5. Then there are several ideas for application for each strength. And, finally, statements from several people that have the same theme in their top 5 and what that looks like for them.

The statements helped, because I could really relate to what several of the people said. At first, though, I just felt like I was a stuffy introvert who likes big words and has a penchant to fix things. That's way simplifying it, but there it is. Jared said that tells him that I'm a deep thinker (shocker) and these strengths make me a great writer. Good point. The "light bulb"

that made the biggest difference for me, though, was this: These God-given strengths make me a uniquely qualified, great mom for Judah.

My core values effect how I view Judah as a person; an image-bearer. I have a "deep and abiding concern for others." I devote myself to helping him. My intellect allows me to file away information that may be useful at a later time. Because of my good memory, I'm able to process what I've read now or at a later time. I can "continually absorb, integrate, or catalog new information with ease." My desire to know more and ability to archive means that I intuitively gather facts or artifacts, and can determine what is useful. I can also simplify complicated details. My strong sense of responsibility means that I am driven to do what I say I will do. I enjoy helping others. I do what it takes to get something done. My adeptness at dealing with problems allows me to analyze my mistakes and figure out "what knowledge I need to acquire and skills I need to sharpen." I "generally let the pressures of each day determine what I need to revise, correct, repair, remodel, upgrade, revamp, or rework." I always kinda thought that I do what I do for Judah, I remember what I do, I keep together what I do, because I'm his mom and any mom would. But I realize now that God has specifically gifted me to be the exact mom that Judah needs. His OT confirmed to me today that the strengths and abilities I've displayed to her & his other therapists over the last couple years are not "the norm". I think that's so cool! I have totally been downplaying God's design all this time, and I didn't even know it. Of course these strengths make me a good mom for all my kids; but given Judah's many unique needs, I can see how God masterfully designed him and me to fit together. When I look at Jared's strengths I see the same thing. A compilation of gifts that God purposefully designed, and then amalgamated* with mine to create a beautiful masterpiece of teamwork, soul-sharing, and family.

Like I said before, I'm excited to see how I can purposefully utilize these strengths in my relationship with Jared, and also in my roles as Kingdom Laborer, mom, and friend.

*I couldn't resist. Intellection says: "Chances are good that you may select unusual words to describe your ideas or feelings. Perhaps your extensive vocabulary allows you to capture people's interest." And Input says: "It's very likely that you may add theoretical, intricate, technical, or difficult-to-understand words to your vocabulary." It's just kinda funny, because when I'm writing if I can't find just the right word, or it's on the tip of my tongue, I go right to my online thesaurus. I love it!

[All of the above information comes from Tom Rath's "Strengths Finder 2.0" and Gallup, Inc.]