I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the last 3 weeks. I never would have been able to dream it up in a million years! Well, maybe a million. I have a pretty active imagination. But seriously. I feel like I'm living in a movie. All the schools are closed for the rest of the year. 4th quarter homeschooling is the new norm. No sports. None. Not a single extracurricular activity. Stores are either dead or packed, and always short on what I need. Wal-Mart limits you to only 2 of each item. Well that's fine and dandy for a family of 4. But a family of 7? Come on, people! I'm trying to provide for my family here! Online. Yes, online grocery shopping. That's also a new norm. I hate it, but I guess I'm getting used to it...and getting better at it. Costco can't seem to keep anything I need in their distribution center, though, so Jared has to brave the store once every couple of weeks to get whatever they have that I need. He's actually waiting in line at this very moment just to get in! 6' and elbows out we say. Ha! Funny not funny. Again. It's like living in a movie. We don't go anywhere unless we absolutely have to go to the grocery store, or I'm taking boys and myself to the chiro. E, Z, and J. We're taking walks and existing outside as the weather allows. But the sun has been hiding quite a bit lately. That's hard on me. Zoom. That's the new magic word. Let's Zoom! I'll see you on the Zoom call. I have a Zoom call today. Tonight. Later. I have to set up a Zoom. Gotta hop on a Zoom call. What teacher did you Zoom today? Did you have fun with your friends and teacher on Zoom today? I feel like the new soundtrack of my life is kids on zoom calls. Zoomzoomzoom... Zoom is a necessary thing right now, but it's not life-giving. It's a way to stay connected when everything face-to-face and personal and in-person has been stripped away. But it is NOT the same. And I actually kind of hate it a little bit. I'm trying to stay connected with my small group girls through Zoom. I'm trying to keep it light and fun and make sure they know how much I miss them and that I'm still here! But at the end of the day I'm so tired of being on front of a computer screen. Seeing people that way isn't really seeing people. The kids seem to be doing fine with their eLearning. Judah needs quite a bit of attention - keeping him on task, focused, taking breaks, helping him - I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get much done during all this extra time we suddenly have. Not to mention the fact that I have to share this Chromebook with Lydia for a couple of her classes. So, I don't always have this when I want or need it either. Sometimes sharing is hard. My heart hurts everyday for Eli. My senior. This is so hard and unfair. I have prayed for him for years - that God would do whatever it takes to get a hold of his heart and make him His man. He has stripped Eli of everything he was counting on. Things he put his hope and identity in. Things he was looking forward to, worked hard for, expected, and earned. I want God to sweep Eli off his feet and leave him with nothing but Himself if that's what it takes. But it's painful for his mama, too, and it's so hard to watch. I can't make him run to Jesus and lean hard into Him. I can't make him choose to do the hard thing and surrender. I keep praying. For all of my kids. I so desperately do NOT want this time to be wasted in their hearts. I want them to be different - more like Jesus - because of it. We're trying to be intentional with our time as a family. It's hard to come up with different things to do. It's hard to be together all the time. We live in a small space for 7 people. And we're all home almost all the time. Sometimes Eli goes for a drive. Sometimes the big boys go through a Starbucks or Scooters drive through. Sometimes the kids go for bike rides. Anything to get out a little. Z has been working out a lot and trying to get in some runs. L is running and biking. Social distance biking with her neighborhood friends. The other 3 kids have been harder to motivate to move. Although, Judah does love watching his PE teacher's videos and doing warm-ups "with" him. And he really loves doing his music teacher's activities that she's posted. I'm struggling with my depression right now. This is usually the time of year when I start going up, coming off of the down of winter and less sun. But all of these circumstances, the monumental changes, and all the accompanying emotions and feelings have thrown me into somewhat of a tailspin. I hate this. At a time when I need to have more energy, more positiveness, more good mood and hype and happy and fun to keep the kids positive and moving forward I feel tired and sad and discouraged. I'm doing what I can to reach out to my community. To connect with others. To be involved. But I'm struggling. I hate the changes that have been made to my job, simply because I can't be with kids right now. Everything I love about my CL job is gone right now. Everything about my routine and my normal has been disrupted. I feel the weight of caring for my family and the pressure of making this a positive, fun, memorable experience that the kids will look back on and love to remember. This is a lot. Just a lot that I've been processing and stuffing and trying to deal with. So I just needed to get it down somewhere. It's a jumble of thoughts. I can't even see my way through all of it right now.
BUT GOD...
God, I know You're here. I know You're sovereign. I know You're in control. I know You listen to all of my grumbling and whining and doubt. I know You see what is at the root of all of that. Fear, unmet expectations, grief. And You understand all of it better than I do. You see me. You. See. Me. You care for my heart. You are gentle and kind. You sustain me. You provide everything I need, physical and spiritual. You give me gifts: writing, a puppy, tulips, quality time with my kids, connections I wouldn't have with people in my community otherwise (SPCS Homeschool page on FB, a Westmont teacher parade through the neighborhood, intentional conversations, out-of-the-ordinary text messages), time, slow days, no plans, online books, sunshine, new pillows. God, You are good. Even when it feels like the depression is winning, You are good and You are bigger. When it seems like this isn't going to end. You are enough and You are at work.
OK. God, Your grace is sufficient for today. It's a new day that You have created. Your mercies are new and You are faithful. Thanks for this time with You...for time to vent and process and just let go a little. I know there is loss to process here, but that will come later.
Friday, April 3, 2020
Thursday, March 12, 2020
I Will Not Live in Fear
I'm tempted to be fearful right now. Just downright scared, letting my mind run amok with possibilities and what-ifs and what-would-I-dos. COVID-19 is a real threat that seems like it's just around the corner. With a kiddo who is all kinds of vulnerable, the temptation to react out of fear and lose my mind to it is also very real. I tell myself everyday that I will not live in fear. Last night I had to go to sleep telling myself Truth about Who God is, who Judah and I are in Him, and how much He loves us. As is usually the case when I'm wrestling with something and processing some tough, painful thoughts, God has taken me deeper.
I know that God is sovereign. He's perfectly in control. He knows what's going to happen and not happen. He is kind, compassionate, faithful, loving, and gracious. He knows what's best. He causes what He does for our good and His glory.
The thought that I've been pondering, though, is this: do "bad" things happen (for ex. Judah getting COVID-19) simply because there is sin in the world? God knows what will happen because of that sin and He will work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, draw us into deeper intimacy with Himself. But in that scenario it almost seems like God is taking a backseat to sin. Like, He's less in control or something. Like, sin is the one in charge right now, but God will ultimately cause His purposes to be fulfilled regardless. OR, is God completely in charge and sovereign, and He causes "bad" things to happen for our good and His glory? And He will still work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, and draw us into deeper intimacy with Him? OR are both kind of true?
I already know that my definition of "good" does not jive with God's. So the same has to be true of my definition of "bad". The question becomes, then, does God cause the "bad" in our lives...because, according to His definition, it's actually good? Would God cause Judah to get COVID-19...or would He simply allow it? Would He cause him to become gravely ill because of all of his other illnesses...or would He allow it? Maybe the verbiage isn't a big deal to most people. But to me it is. When I'm asked to trust the life of my son with Someone, you had better believe I need to know who that Someone is. Yes, I walked this road in Fresh Start, and I surrendered my sweet boy to the One Who so beautifully knit him together. But, the choice to surrender is in no way a "one and done".
So, where do I land?
I've been thinking a lot about stories lately. Judah's story, mine...how interwoven and connected our stories are. How powerful God is in our stories.
God is the Author of Judah's story. And if Judah gets sick to any degree, than that was written into his story before the beginning of time. It's not written by sin or inaction or passive allowance. His story has been written by an all-knowing, all-powerful, love-filled, grace-filled, wholly faithful, wholly trustworthy, miracle-working, redeeming, intimate, kind GOD. What is written in his story is the good that God has ordained for him, so that Judah might come to a better understanding and knowing of who God is and what deep intimacy with Jesus Christ is. So that we might have a better understanding of who God is, a deeper intimacy with Jesus. So that the world around us might see the power and glory of God the Rescuer in and through us!
So. I will not live in fear. I will stand on the Truth.
I know that God is sovereign. He's perfectly in control. He knows what's going to happen and not happen. He is kind, compassionate, faithful, loving, and gracious. He knows what's best. He causes what He does for our good and His glory.
The thought that I've been pondering, though, is this: do "bad" things happen (for ex. Judah getting COVID-19) simply because there is sin in the world? God knows what will happen because of that sin and He will work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, draw us into deeper intimacy with Himself. But in that scenario it almost seems like God is taking a backseat to sin. Like, He's less in control or something. Like, sin is the one in charge right now, but God will ultimately cause His purposes to be fulfilled regardless. OR, is God completely in charge and sovereign, and He causes "bad" things to happen for our good and His glory? And He will still work through it, redeem it, glorify Himself, and draw us into deeper intimacy with Him? OR are both kind of true?
I already know that my definition of "good" does not jive with God's. So the same has to be true of my definition of "bad". The question becomes, then, does God cause the "bad" in our lives...because, according to His definition, it's actually good? Would God cause Judah to get COVID-19...or would He simply allow it? Would He cause him to become gravely ill because of all of his other illnesses...or would He allow it? Maybe the verbiage isn't a big deal to most people. But to me it is. When I'm asked to trust the life of my son with Someone, you had better believe I need to know who that Someone is. Yes, I walked this road in Fresh Start, and I surrendered my sweet boy to the One Who so beautifully knit him together. But, the choice to surrender is in no way a "one and done".
So, where do I land?
I've been thinking a lot about stories lately. Judah's story, mine...how interwoven and connected our stories are. How powerful God is in our stories.
God is the Author of Judah's story. And if Judah gets sick to any degree, than that was written into his story before the beginning of time. It's not written by sin or inaction or passive allowance. His story has been written by an all-knowing, all-powerful, love-filled, grace-filled, wholly faithful, wholly trustworthy, miracle-working, redeeming, intimate, kind GOD. What is written in his story is the good that God has ordained for him, so that Judah might come to a better understanding and knowing of who God is and what deep intimacy with Jesus Christ is. So that we might have a better understanding of who God is, a deeper intimacy with Jesus. So that the world around us might see the power and glory of God the Rescuer in and through us!
So. I will not live in fear. I will stand on the Truth.
Health & Wellness Update Part II
Over the last few weeks we've been able to knock out some of these bigger appointments.
*Judah and I both love the new eye surgeon. He's young and gentle, personable and very likable. It was a good experience all around. And...NO SURGERY! When Judah gets to the point that his lids are drooping down past his pupils more than 50% of the time we'll need to move forward; but not before then! The next procedure will be a little more complex, though. When he adjusts the upper lid to bring it up more, he'll also need to adjust the lower lid to bring it up a little to prevent further dryness and damage to the eye and cornea as he sleeps somewhat open-eyed. It's a tough situation. The scar tissue that Judah was born with, rather than muscle, just causes more challenges and complexities than one might expect. But, he can see, and I'm thankful for that!
*The EKG looked great! No thickening of the lining there - so thank You, JESUS!
*We met with rehab for Judah's swallowing, etc. Not the most encouraging appointment. I didn't realize that I was really hoping she would be able to say that he'll grow out of the swallowing issues, or it will get better, or it's just a matter of time - he looks great! But no. He has low muscle tone, and that just effects everything. He may not ever get away from thickened liquids of some kind. That's really disappointing to have to admit. She assigned us some exercises to do, but that's really not going well. As in, it's not going at all. Judah hates them. And it's really hard to know if he's actually doing them correctly or not. And he hates them, so he doesn't want to do them anyway. Because he actually hates them. So, that's that for the moment.
*We had his IEP/MDT a couple weeks ago. I'm finally to the point where I can get through an IEP and not cry on the way home. Well, I've done it twice. Small victories. But they're just really hard. I always walk away feeling like I'm not doing enough. And when there's one area that just doesn't see change or progress, I feel frustrated and like a failure. This has nothing to do with his team! They are wonderful! They are affirming, have positive things to say all the way through, and wrack their brains along with us for ways to help Judah be successful. Last year his teacher sent this to me:
*Judah and I both love the new eye surgeon. He's young and gentle, personable and very likable. It was a good experience all around. And...NO SURGERY! When Judah gets to the point that his lids are drooping down past his pupils more than 50% of the time we'll need to move forward; but not before then! The next procedure will be a little more complex, though. When he adjusts the upper lid to bring it up more, he'll also need to adjust the lower lid to bring it up a little to prevent further dryness and damage to the eye and cornea as he sleeps somewhat open-eyed. It's a tough situation. The scar tissue that Judah was born with, rather than muscle, just causes more challenges and complexities than one might expect. But, he can see, and I'm thankful for that!
*The EKG looked great! No thickening of the lining there - so thank You, JESUS!
*We met with rehab for Judah's swallowing, etc. Not the most encouraging appointment. I didn't realize that I was really hoping she would be able to say that he'll grow out of the swallowing issues, or it will get better, or it's just a matter of time - he looks great! But no. He has low muscle tone, and that just effects everything. He may not ever get away from thickened liquids of some kind. That's really disappointing to have to admit. She assigned us some exercises to do, but that's really not going well. As in, it's not going at all. Judah hates them. And it's really hard to know if he's actually doing them correctly or not. And he hates them, so he doesn't want to do them anyway. Because he actually hates them. So, that's that for the moment.
*We had his IEP/MDT a couple weeks ago. I'm finally to the point where I can get through an IEP and not cry on the way home. Well, I've done it twice. Small victories. But they're just really hard. I always walk away feeling like I'm not doing enough. And when there's one area that just doesn't see change or progress, I feel frustrated and like a failure. This has nothing to do with his team! They are wonderful! They are affirming, have positive things to say all the way through, and wrack their brains along with us for ways to help Judah be successful. Last year his teacher sent this to me:
This has meant so much to me! IEPs are just one of those things that will be hard...
*Other than that, Judah has been healthy this cold/flu season. Praise Jesus!
 |
| We went to Scooters for a muffin date. Sadly, they were out of chocolate chip muffins, so he had to settle for a giant cinnamon roll instead. He didn't seem to be too disappointed. Love this kid so much! |
Monday, February 3, 2020
Health & Wellness Update
It's been really, really fun to read my blog and re-watch Judah grow,discover, and develop. Hard to remember the pain, fear, and uncertainty yes; but totally worth it. God has used this blog to encourage me, to challenge me again, to inspire me, to remind me of Him, and to reveal areas of "ick" in my heart that have needed attention. He's done some pretty major work in my heart in the last few weeks, and I'm thankful. I also love being back here. How do I get paid to do this? I could sit here all day. Ha!
I've also realized that, while a lot has changed for Judah over the years, there are still some things that haven't. And I haven't been good at keeping track of those things here. It's been so long since I wrote a simple H&W update, just so people know where he's at physically and developmentally. And if there's nobody left out there, that's just fine. I'll have this here for me to compare with and remember later.
Judah's vision and eye muscles/scar tissue/development issues continue to be a challenge. We roll with the changes that need to be made as he grows, trust Dr. Legge's (ridiculously thankful for and LOVE this dr. so much to this day!!!) judgment, and "wait and see" on how his muscles and vision will do as he gets older. We have a consult with a new eye surgeon this month to talk about the possible need for a lid revision. Over the last year - more so in the last 6 months - I've noticed that Judah's lids seem to be getting droopier again. At our 6 mo. check in January Dr. L. agreed. He seems to be having to work harder to keep those lids up and they seem to droop farther down than they used to when he's relaxed. The right side is definitely worse. We'll see what the surgeon says. If there's an alternative to surgery, I'll take it!
Judah's kidney disease is managed well, and his kidneys continue to be as healthy as they can be! I've been reading from 2010, when Judah got the G-button, and my feeding goal for him. One of which was to get him on a complete oral diet and get rid of the button! Well, here we are 9 1/2 years later, and we still have that stinkin' button. Judah eats well, but can't drink the necessary 60+ fluid oz. he needs a day to keep his kidneys hydrated. I've stopped even thinking of a goal for an exit strategy for the button. Especially since May, when another Diglutition study showed that Judah was silently aspirating again. Who knows for how long. He can't eat or drink anything less than a honey-thickness. Not sure what the timetable for this is. But that has directly impacted the amount of fluids he takes in independently. AND he will only drink light blue Gatorade. That is all. We're meeting with a specialist in this field in a couple of weeks so we can learn some exercises and strategies to help strengthen that part of his anatomy, and hopefully move to a nectar-thickness or less...please, Jesus. I would love to think that he'll grow out of this, and be stronger later. But I just don't know that that's part of God's plan for him.
Related to the kidneys, he had an EKG last week. Let me back up a minute. Judah has high blood pressure, because of the kidney disease. The medication works, his school nurse checks his BP once a week, and he's stable. BUT high BP can cause a thickening of the muscle around your heart, because your heart is working harder because of the increased blood pressure. So, his Nephrologist said it was time for the EKG to make sure his heart is in good health. Haven't heard back yet. That was just Friday. But, in this world, no news or slow news is usually good news.
Judah's urology health has basically plateaued, and he's in a good spot. We do still have one major challenge in this area. For the sake of his privacy and dignity, that's all I'll say.
This little stinker is growing like crazy! He's caught up to his peers in size, and he eats all the time! He loves to snack on bread, cheese, yogurt, and peanut butter. He is a Stewart after all.
Developmentally...in some ways, he's a typical 10 year old. He loves to be with his friends and family, he loves school and video games, and he doesn't like showering or going to bed. Usually. But, as Judah gets older, the gap between his emotional and social development and his peers' widens. And as school gets tougher, he continues to struggle. He's on grade level, and he works HARD! And his sped teachers work HARD! Buuut...he's really just not your average kiddo. Some of the most unique things about him are things I love the most; but they're also things that can be conspicuous and make him vulnerable. I am beyond thankful for the community God has surrounded Judah with! He is loved and accepted and wanted! And, for the most part, the kids around him are kind and patient.
We're moving forward with orthodontics. I've been content to put this off as long as possible...and even push past that...but they tell me it's time now. Judah will have several teeth removed before having the 1st of 2 appliances put in his mouth to begin widening the roof of his mouth. This is an area that I have to constantly remind myself to trust the Lord with. I don't have grace for these appointments yet, but I will on those days. And so will Judah. I have a lot of anxiety about how Judah will handle all of this. And I don't know how to help him right now. Besides watching other kids go through the same things on YouTube so he can see what's going to be happening. This will be a looooong road for him, with lots of different procedures and appointments and "new". So, Jesus, take the wheel.
I think that's all for now. Except for this:
These appts. with Dr. L. can be super long. But Judah is the best sport there is. So patient and chill and happy to be on my lap, or reading a book or mag., or watching PBS on the T.V. Love this silly kid.
I've also realized that, while a lot has changed for Judah over the years, there are still some things that haven't. And I haven't been good at keeping track of those things here. It's been so long since I wrote a simple H&W update, just so people know where he's at physically and developmentally. And if there's nobody left out there, that's just fine. I'll have this here for me to compare with and remember later.
Judah's vision and eye muscles/scar tissue/development issues continue to be a challenge. We roll with the changes that need to be made as he grows, trust Dr. Legge's (ridiculously thankful for and LOVE this dr. so much to this day!!!) judgment, and "wait and see" on how his muscles and vision will do as he gets older. We have a consult with a new eye surgeon this month to talk about the possible need for a lid revision. Over the last year - more so in the last 6 months - I've noticed that Judah's lids seem to be getting droopier again. At our 6 mo. check in January Dr. L. agreed. He seems to be having to work harder to keep those lids up and they seem to droop farther down than they used to when he's relaxed. The right side is definitely worse. We'll see what the surgeon says. If there's an alternative to surgery, I'll take it!
Judah's kidney disease is managed well, and his kidneys continue to be as healthy as they can be! I've been reading from 2010, when Judah got the G-button, and my feeding goal for him. One of which was to get him on a complete oral diet and get rid of the button! Well, here we are 9 1/2 years later, and we still have that stinkin' button. Judah eats well, but can't drink the necessary 60+ fluid oz. he needs a day to keep his kidneys hydrated. I've stopped even thinking of a goal for an exit strategy for the button. Especially since May, when another Diglutition study showed that Judah was silently aspirating again. Who knows for how long. He can't eat or drink anything less than a honey-thickness. Not sure what the timetable for this is. But that has directly impacted the amount of fluids he takes in independently. AND he will only drink light blue Gatorade. That is all. We're meeting with a specialist in this field in a couple of weeks so we can learn some exercises and strategies to help strengthen that part of his anatomy, and hopefully move to a nectar-thickness or less...please, Jesus. I would love to think that he'll grow out of this, and be stronger later. But I just don't know that that's part of God's plan for him.
Related to the kidneys, he had an EKG last week. Let me back up a minute. Judah has high blood pressure, because of the kidney disease. The medication works, his school nurse checks his BP once a week, and he's stable. BUT high BP can cause a thickening of the muscle around your heart, because your heart is working harder because of the increased blood pressure. So, his Nephrologist said it was time for the EKG to make sure his heart is in good health. Haven't heard back yet. That was just Friday. But, in this world, no news or slow news is usually good news.
Judah's urology health has basically plateaued, and he's in a good spot. We do still have one major challenge in this area. For the sake of his privacy and dignity, that's all I'll say.
This little stinker is growing like crazy! He's caught up to his peers in size, and he eats all the time! He loves to snack on bread, cheese, yogurt, and peanut butter. He is a Stewart after all.
Developmentally...in some ways, he's a typical 10 year old. He loves to be with his friends and family, he loves school and video games, and he doesn't like showering or going to bed. Usually. But, as Judah gets older, the gap between his emotional and social development and his peers' widens. And as school gets tougher, he continues to struggle. He's on grade level, and he works HARD! And his sped teachers work HARD! Buuut...he's really just not your average kiddo. Some of the most unique things about him are things I love the most; but they're also things that can be conspicuous and make him vulnerable. I am beyond thankful for the community God has surrounded Judah with! He is loved and accepted and wanted! And, for the most part, the kids around him are kind and patient.
We're moving forward with orthodontics. I've been content to put this off as long as possible...and even push past that...but they tell me it's time now. Judah will have several teeth removed before having the 1st of 2 appliances put in his mouth to begin widening the roof of his mouth. This is an area that I have to constantly remind myself to trust the Lord with. I don't have grace for these appointments yet, but I will on those days. And so will Judah. I have a lot of anxiety about how Judah will handle all of this. And I don't know how to help him right now. Besides watching other kids go through the same things on YouTube so he can see what's going to be happening. This will be a looooong road for him, with lots of different procedures and appointments and "new". So, Jesus, take the wheel.
I think that's all for now. Except for this:
These appts. with Dr. L. can be super long. But Judah is the best sport there is. So patient and chill and happy to be on my lap, or reading a book or mag., or watching PBS on the T.V. Love this silly kid.
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Closure...?
So there's this one last thing that I don't think I've ever completely done business with. I've re-read some blog posts that I wrote, trying to process this loss. But I mentioned it in Fresh Start at the beginning, and "Bo" was kind enough to remind me of it this morning, and suggest that maybe I need to do business with it. These F.S. women are diligent note-takers. They miss nothing and remember everything. Ha!
I lost a breastfeeding relationship with Judah that I dreamed about. I cherished that relationship with each of my other 3. I looked forward to it with Judah. I fought for it. I begged God for it. He said no. My heart broke.
To this day, I wrestle with this. And the lack of closure in this part of our relationship effects me. I still miss nursing. I still regret not being able to share that with him. There are days when I long to have another baby - ah yeah, 10 yrs. later, 40 yrs. old and kids in high school and jr. high - because I actually crave that connection and relationship again. I grieve that loss. I realized today that I can be healed from that hurt, and I can move on and be free from that - God can give me closure - but I will probably always grieve it. And I can be ok with that. But to get to that place, I need to go through this process first.
...
.....
God, You know how hurt and angry - how devastated! - I was when I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never nurse Judah. And then, You saw how crushed, broken, and confused I was when I had to throw away all of my frozen milk because of the amount of lipase in it. God, I don't know why. I don't know why You chose to say no. I don't know why You allowed that milk to go bad. I don't know why! I can't see Your good or Your purpose in those things. I couldn't then, and I don't now.
[surrender...]
God, I offer you sacrificial thanksgiving for those things. Thank You for taking that relationship from me. Thank You for taking that milk. I don't understand it, but I choose to thank You, because You say to. It hurts to do so, Lord. It hurts.
God, You cause and allow what You do because You are sovereign. Because only You see what is for our good, and how it will bring You glory. God, I've been really angry and confused about this. Angry with You! I wanted this with Judah SO BADLY! But if I believe that You are good and trustworthy, then that has to apply here, too. God, forgive me for my anger towards You, and my lack of belief in Your goodness and in the goodness of Your plan for me and for Judah. I let this go. Heal my heart from the hurt that has been there all these years over this one loss. God, if You see fit, please give me a sense of closure. A sense of peace. I still have so many feelings of loss surrounding Judah's birth and infancy. Maybe I always will. But if I'm going to experience any change there, any healing at all, I know it has to come from You. You are the only One who is able.
Thank You.
In Jesus' Name.
I lost a breastfeeding relationship with Judah that I dreamed about. I cherished that relationship with each of my other 3. I looked forward to it with Judah. I fought for it. I begged God for it. He said no. My heart broke.
To this day, I wrestle with this. And the lack of closure in this part of our relationship effects me. I still miss nursing. I still regret not being able to share that with him. There are days when I long to have another baby - ah yeah, 10 yrs. later, 40 yrs. old and kids in high school and jr. high - because I actually crave that connection and relationship again. I grieve that loss. I realized today that I can be healed from that hurt, and I can move on and be free from that - God can give me closure - but I will probably always grieve it. And I can be ok with that. But to get to that place, I need to go through this process first.
...
.....
God, You know how hurt and angry - how devastated! - I was when I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never nurse Judah. And then, You saw how crushed, broken, and confused I was when I had to throw away all of my frozen milk because of the amount of lipase in it. God, I don't know why. I don't know why You chose to say no. I don't know why You allowed that milk to go bad. I don't know why! I can't see Your good or Your purpose in those things. I couldn't then, and I don't now.
[surrender...]
God, I offer you sacrificial thanksgiving for those things. Thank You for taking that relationship from me. Thank You for taking that milk. I don't understand it, but I choose to thank You, because You say to. It hurts to do so, Lord. It hurts.
God, You cause and allow what You do because You are sovereign. Because only You see what is for our good, and how it will bring You glory. God, I've been really angry and confused about this. Angry with You! I wanted this with Judah SO BADLY! But if I believe that You are good and trustworthy, then that has to apply here, too. God, forgive me for my anger towards You, and my lack of belief in Your goodness and in the goodness of Your plan for me and for Judah. I let this go. Heal my heart from the hurt that has been there all these years over this one loss. God, if You see fit, please give me a sense of closure. A sense of peace. I still have so many feelings of loss surrounding Judah's birth and infancy. Maybe I always will. But if I'm going to experience any change there, any healing at all, I know it has to come from You. You are the only One who is able.
Thank You.
In Jesus' Name.
Fresh Start Reflection
My time of sharing at Fresh Start this morning was pretty amazing. After everything this process brought up, how painful it was, how stupid hard it was, I honestly didn't think it could possibly end really well. I thought it would just...finally be over, and I could be done with it and move on. If I'm honest, I didn't believe that the work would be worth it, and that I would feel any benefit when all was said and done. I was shocked to feel, after that final prayer of humbling requests and release, lighter! Relieved. Rested. Well in my soul. Every hard question, every moment of wrestling and digging, every tear really was worth it. This process hasn't changed a single thing in Judah's circumstances. It hasn't brought about any kind of healing for him, or changed how hard his life and journey is. BUT GOD has met me in my doubt, fear, and anger. In His kindness, He has shown me where I've been wrong, what attitudes and beliefs have been so wrong and hurtful to me and Judah; and He has been faithful to forgive me as I have confessed those things, and then let them go in Jesus' Name. He has graciously helped me to forgive those who have unintentionally hurt me in the past, and given me the courage to let it go and move on, knowing that I'll be hurt again. But His grace is sufficient, and I don't need to try to protect myself from hurt. He will heal and restore as I need Him to. God met me in my deep pain as I surrendered Judah to Him and thanked Him for the things that He has caused and/or allowed these last almost 11 years. These weeks of process have been so painful and really awful at times. BUT GOD is restoring my faith in Him, and has taken me deeper. He didn't have to. He doesn't answer to me. BUT GOD chose to meet me, to reveal Himself to me, to show me hard things about myself, and to start healing my heart and developing a deeper intimacy with Him. After all the thoughts and questions I threw at Him these last several weeks, it's pretty humbling that He would still choose me. So, yes, the work of Fresh Start has been worth it. And had I held anything back, my experience, while certainly less painful, would not have been nearly as full or rich. Man, God, thank You for those 3 beautiful women who created a safe space, and then - in love - pushed, challenged, listened, validated, and prayed. They are a gift.
I officially finished my process today, but I do have one more thing from the past to address. Git after it, girl.
I officially finished my process today, but I do have one more thing from the past to address. Git after it, girl.
A fresh start...
I have come to the end of my process with Fresh Start. Today I take that last step and RELEASE! I've already said how painful this process has been. And just because this is the last day that I share and officially finish my process, that in no way means I'm actually really done. I'm not naive. I know that what I've taken from Fresh Start is just the beginning. But, that's just it. It's a beginning. A fresh start as I move forward from here and continue on this journey with Judah. And Jesus. And Jared.
Here's where I'm at this morning. I've had to recognize vows and judgments that I've made over the last few years. I've had to confess wrongs that I've committed against God and Jared, and Judah, too, and ask for forgiveness. I've had to let go of things people have said that I've held onto all these years. Hurts that I've held onto, and forgive. Today in group I have to confess those vows and judgments, outloud, call myself out, and renounce them. And then replace them with Truth. I know the lovely ladies that facilitate this will remind me of things I've said, but forgotten, and will probably have much to add to what I put here. But the heart of what I've recognized are these things:
I have judged God.
"You're not at work."
"You're not there."
"This isn't Your good."
"You are silent."
"You don't protect Judah."
"I can't trust You."
"You're not meeting our needs or acting in Judah's or my best interest."
So...ultimately...I have judged God to be insufficient and unkind.
I have judged myself to be better than Jared in a lot of ways regarding Judah. I have come to believe
that I am all Judah has when things are really hard. Appointments, labs, new doctors, whatever.
I have judged myself to be Judah's protector. Like I'm enough for him...though I know I'm not.
I have effectively said that I will build walls around my heart. I won't feel. I will harden my heart
so I can't be as hurt or disappointed.
This is gross. Ugly. And I'm happy to get it out in the open and get rid of it!
The Truth?
God is always at work. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
God. Is. Always. Present. Always.
God is always good. He can't be anything but good. And right. Always.
Sometimes, it seems like God is silent. But, if He is, that doesn't mean He's absent or not at work,
or less than good or right.
God is Judah's protector. Whether I agree with or like His plan and purpose for how He protects,
the Truth is that He does protect Judah, and it is for Judah's good and God's glory that He allows
what He does. Nothing comes to Judah without first being filtered through God's loving, gracious,
kind, and sovereign hands.
God, You are trustworthy. Perfectly and always.
God - and only God - can meet our needs, and will, according to His perfect plan and purposes.
God, You are enough. God, you are kind. Always.
OK, so now I need to "entrust the person and/or situation to the Lord." "Write, in the form of a prayer, who or what you are now entrusting to the Lord."
God, Judah is Yours. Every single part of him. Every bit that I can see, and every complicated part I can't. He. Is. Yours. You delight in him as Your image-bearer in ways that I can't even begin to appreciate or fathom. God, You see his pain, his fear and anxiety, and every moment that is hard and that I wouldn't choose for him. You see it; but You also understand perfectly what he's feeling and experiencing. You understand him and know him intimately and only You know exactly what Your plan and purpose is for Judah, and why all of this "stuff" is necessary for his good and Your glory. God, only You are fully trustworthy and able. Able to protect Judah. Able to shape him and use him for Your glory. Able to meet his needs in the midst of pain and anxiety. Able to comfort him. Able to thwart the Enemy's plan to accomplish Your purpose. Able. You are able. So, because of these Truths, I can trust Judah with You. I'm laying myself down, and holding him up to You. Because You are better than me, and You are what Judah needs. God, he has a long journey ahead of him, and me with him. So many circumstances and situations that are yet to be. Some I know about now, many I'm sure will come as unpleasant surprises. God, I trust You with these. I trust You to give me wisdom as to how to comfort Judah, and walk him through a tough situation when the time comes. I trust You to continue to hold him and comfort him, using me as You see fit. I choose to believe that Your grace is sufficient for Judah and me, and that it will be more than enough at exactly the moment we need it - You won't be early, but You won't be late. I trust You with my heart, too. God, this journey with my precious son is really hard, and it really hurts a lot sometimes. It's so up and down and all over the place. The wealth and variety of emotions that I feel in just one day sometimes! God, it's hard. But, I trust You with my heart and everything it feels and experiences each day. I trust you with the really hard things that hurt me the most, that make me want to run and hide and shore up the walls around my heart so I can't hurt and feel. I trust You. And even as I write this, I know that You know that it's so much easier said than done. So, I even have to trust You to keep this work in my heart going. God, have Your way.
Here's the attitude I want to pursue moving forward:
I want to continue to step out in faith, regardless of fear or anxiety, and walk forward in obedience, hand in hand with the One Who calls me.
Here's where I'm at this morning. I've had to recognize vows and judgments that I've made over the last few years. I've had to confess wrongs that I've committed against God and Jared, and Judah, too, and ask for forgiveness. I've had to let go of things people have said that I've held onto all these years. Hurts that I've held onto, and forgive. Today in group I have to confess those vows and judgments, outloud, call myself out, and renounce them. And then replace them with Truth. I know the lovely ladies that facilitate this will remind me of things I've said, but forgotten, and will probably have much to add to what I put here. But the heart of what I've recognized are these things:
I have judged God.
"You're not at work."
"You're not there."
"This isn't Your good."
"You are silent."
"You don't protect Judah."
"I can't trust You."
"You're not meeting our needs or acting in Judah's or my best interest."
So...ultimately...I have judged God to be insufficient and unkind.
I have judged myself to be better than Jared in a lot of ways regarding Judah. I have come to believe
that I am all Judah has when things are really hard. Appointments, labs, new doctors, whatever.
I have judged myself to be Judah's protector. Like I'm enough for him...though I know I'm not.
I have effectively said that I will build walls around my heart. I won't feel. I will harden my heart
so I can't be as hurt or disappointed.
This is gross. Ugly. And I'm happy to get it out in the open and get rid of it!
The Truth?
God is always at work. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
God. Is. Always. Present. Always.
God is always good. He can't be anything but good. And right. Always.
Sometimes, it seems like God is silent. But, if He is, that doesn't mean He's absent or not at work,
or less than good or right.
God is Judah's protector. Whether I agree with or like His plan and purpose for how He protects,
the Truth is that He does protect Judah, and it is for Judah's good and God's glory that He allows
what He does. Nothing comes to Judah without first being filtered through God's loving, gracious,
kind, and sovereign hands.
God, You are trustworthy. Perfectly and always.
God - and only God - can meet our needs, and will, according to His perfect plan and purposes.
God, You are enough. God, you are kind. Always.
OK, so now I need to "entrust the person and/or situation to the Lord." "Write, in the form of a prayer, who or what you are now entrusting to the Lord."
God, Judah is Yours. Every single part of him. Every bit that I can see, and every complicated part I can't. He. Is. Yours. You delight in him as Your image-bearer in ways that I can't even begin to appreciate or fathom. God, You see his pain, his fear and anxiety, and every moment that is hard and that I wouldn't choose for him. You see it; but You also understand perfectly what he's feeling and experiencing. You understand him and know him intimately and only You know exactly what Your plan and purpose is for Judah, and why all of this "stuff" is necessary for his good and Your glory. God, only You are fully trustworthy and able. Able to protect Judah. Able to shape him and use him for Your glory. Able to meet his needs in the midst of pain and anxiety. Able to comfort him. Able to thwart the Enemy's plan to accomplish Your purpose. Able. You are able. So, because of these Truths, I can trust Judah with You. I'm laying myself down, and holding him up to You. Because You are better than me, and You are what Judah needs. God, he has a long journey ahead of him, and me with him. So many circumstances and situations that are yet to be. Some I know about now, many I'm sure will come as unpleasant surprises. God, I trust You with these. I trust You to give me wisdom as to how to comfort Judah, and walk him through a tough situation when the time comes. I trust You to continue to hold him and comfort him, using me as You see fit. I choose to believe that Your grace is sufficient for Judah and me, and that it will be more than enough at exactly the moment we need it - You won't be early, but You won't be late. I trust You with my heart, too. God, this journey with my precious son is really hard, and it really hurts a lot sometimes. It's so up and down and all over the place. The wealth and variety of emotions that I feel in just one day sometimes! God, it's hard. But, I trust You with my heart and everything it feels and experiences each day. I trust you with the really hard things that hurt me the most, that make me want to run and hide and shore up the walls around my heart so I can't hurt and feel. I trust You. And even as I write this, I know that You know that it's so much easier said than done. So, I even have to trust You to keep this work in my heart going. God, have Your way.
Here's the attitude I want to pursue moving forward:
I want to continue to step out in faith, regardless of fear or anxiety, and walk forward in obedience, hand in hand with the One Who calls me.
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
Judah at 10...and-a-half
Because that "half" is very important when you're 10. So, since Judah is now 10, I think it's appropriate to write out my TOP 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT JUDAH list.
So here we go:
Top 10 Things I Love About Judah:
1. His smile - Judah's smile is all his own. It's quirky and unique, incredibly endearing, and lights up the room. It comes so easily to him and is so freely shared.
2. His giggle - This kid has the most infectious laugh I have ever heard! Whether he's being tickled, laughing at something in a book or on t.v., or cracking up at Ezra, I can't help but start laughing myself. At times he gets the whole family laughing! Especially when he really gets going and can't stop. Oh my gosh, we've had some of the best family laughter around the dinner table when Judah has had the giggles.
3. His affection - Judah is an affectionate kid. He asks to snuggle regularly. He still loves to sit on my lap. He loves to hold hands. Just the other day he asked Ezra if he wanted to hold hands in the car. And when we drove down to get Charlie, Judah held Grandpa's hand for the full 2nd half of the trip! He's the instigator of "snuggle fests". He recruits as many family members as he can to pile on the couch together. Or he just wriggles his way in between Jared and I or his siblings and declares a "snuggle fest". He still likes to give kisses. He loves snuggling with Ollie. He gives hugs and high fives and loves to put his arms around his brothers or his mama. And he's always telling me he loves me.
4. His love for people - Judah is an incredibly social kid who loves being with people (he definitely has his favorites) and thrives on social interaction. The thing is, people completely adore him, too! He gives affection so freely, doesn't know how to be anything but completely himself, and lights up a place with his enthusiasm - how could the people around him not be impacted by that? I wish that I could engage with people the way that Judah does. He is able to openly and freely adore others and pursue them without fear of rejection or what they might think of him. He has no agenda, and no understanding of certain social "rules" and complexities. He simply is who he is and loves you because you're you. It's funny, because he knows that there are things about himself that are different from other kids, but he doesn't seem to recognize that in other "special needs" kids. He sees people. And he loves people.
5. His enthusiasm - This child LOVES life! And when he loves something. or is excited about something, he approaches it with an enthusiasm and energy that is hard to match. He dances all the time. Doesn't matter where we are or who's around. When the Spirit moves, so does he. Haha! He's got the best moves, too. He will be the president of your fan club and cheer his sweet little heart out for you! Sporting activities of all kinds, siblings and friends, competitions - he's got your back and everyone will know that he's your fan! He gets so "geeked" about the littlest things. Playing basketball outside with Ezra. Lydia babysitting. Riding in Eli's car. Watching a favorite movie. A new book. Cold lunch for school. Grandma and Gramps picking him up from school on Wednesdays. Every Wednesday. Like it's the first time every week. He knows how to get excited about something, and he goes with it. Forget about reserve.
6. His love for reading - No joke. Judah averages 3-4 hrs of reading a day. During the week. More on the weekends. He can't get enough words and information! He doesn't read stories, he reads informational texts. Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, Almanacs, Atlases, and textbooks. He devours them! He will sit with an atlas and simply read names of countries and capitals for an hour! He's amazing. BUT, the absolute best part of all that reading? His favorite book, and the vast majority of time he spends reading it: his Bible...s. I think he has 9. And he reads them all. And he retains information from them. He knows the most obscure facts from Scripture! Names, places, happenings, times - it's incredible! I am so in love with the fact that he loves. to. read.
7. His vocabulary - Naturally, a kid who reads 30 hours a week is going to have an impressive vocabulary. It's not just what he says though, but how he says it. He does NOT talk like your typical 10 yr. old. He'll use words and phrasing that a "normal" kid wouldn't, and then deliver them like he's a 40 yr. old dad or something. He's constantly making us and those around him laugh with his choice of words and delivery.
8. His smell - I know that probably sounds weird, but Judah has his own smell, kinda like babies do. I suppose my other kids do, too. Sort of. But Judah's is distinct and very uniquely his. I still love to breather it in when I kiss him while he sleeps. It's really not a sweet smell...and I'm not sure that Jared would even think it's at all a good smell...but I love it. Something about how it speaks to the connection that Judah and I have on a deeper level.
9. His vulnerability - Judah doesn't know how to be "tough" or "macho" or "fake" or anything else but who he is. When he's scared, he acts scared and comes to me like a little boy. When he's hurt, he comes to me with his hurt. When he's mad, well, you know it. He doesn't know how to try to be someone other than who he is. Being vulnerable is a really hard thing in our culture, and it's not something that is generally celebrated. But I celebrate that God created Judah to be vulnerable - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - because it's beautiful and refreshing and freeing and looks like Jesus.
10. His "imperfections" - Here's the thing. Judah is clearly different. While we are all created to be different and unique from one another, we live in a broken, fallen world, and we see some as more different from others. (I can't wait for the day when I see people perfectly like Jesus does!) Judah has "anomalies" and "deformities" and "delays" and blah blah blah. To this day, I see him as nothing but the most beautiful, precious, extraordinary little person covered with the fingerprints of God. And all of those things that make him stand out a little more from the crowd are the things that endear him to me, that make me want to fight for him harder, and that ultimately point me to Jesus. Judah was knit together by the Creator, planned down to the minutest detail, and is intimately known and loved by Him. God doesn't make mistakes. He makes masterpieces that reflect His goodness and His glory. That's what I see when I look at Judah. An original that God made for His own pleasure.
So here we go:
Top 10 Things I Love About Judah:
1. His smile - Judah's smile is all his own. It's quirky and unique, incredibly endearing, and lights up the room. It comes so easily to him and is so freely shared.
2. His giggle - This kid has the most infectious laugh I have ever heard! Whether he's being tickled, laughing at something in a book or on t.v., or cracking up at Ezra, I can't help but start laughing myself. At times he gets the whole family laughing! Especially when he really gets going and can't stop. Oh my gosh, we've had some of the best family laughter around the dinner table when Judah has had the giggles.
3. His affection - Judah is an affectionate kid. He asks to snuggle regularly. He still loves to sit on my lap. He loves to hold hands. Just the other day he asked Ezra if he wanted to hold hands in the car. And when we drove down to get Charlie, Judah held Grandpa's hand for the full 2nd half of the trip! He's the instigator of "snuggle fests". He recruits as many family members as he can to pile on the couch together. Or he just wriggles his way in between Jared and I or his siblings and declares a "snuggle fest". He still likes to give kisses. He loves snuggling with Ollie. He gives hugs and high fives and loves to put his arms around his brothers or his mama. And he's always telling me he loves me.
4. His love for people - Judah is an incredibly social kid who loves being with people (he definitely has his favorites) and thrives on social interaction. The thing is, people completely adore him, too! He gives affection so freely, doesn't know how to be anything but completely himself, and lights up a place with his enthusiasm - how could the people around him not be impacted by that? I wish that I could engage with people the way that Judah does. He is able to openly and freely adore others and pursue them without fear of rejection or what they might think of him. He has no agenda, and no understanding of certain social "rules" and complexities. He simply is who he is and loves you because you're you. It's funny, because he knows that there are things about himself that are different from other kids, but he doesn't seem to recognize that in other "special needs" kids. He sees people. And he loves people.
5. His enthusiasm - This child LOVES life! And when he loves something. or is excited about something, he approaches it with an enthusiasm and energy that is hard to match. He dances all the time. Doesn't matter where we are or who's around. When the Spirit moves, so does he. Haha! He's got the best moves, too. He will be the president of your fan club and cheer his sweet little heart out for you! Sporting activities of all kinds, siblings and friends, competitions - he's got your back and everyone will know that he's your fan! He gets so "geeked" about the littlest things. Playing basketball outside with Ezra. Lydia babysitting. Riding in Eli's car. Watching a favorite movie. A new book. Cold lunch for school. Grandma and Gramps picking him up from school on Wednesdays. Every Wednesday. Like it's the first time every week. He knows how to get excited about something, and he goes with it. Forget about reserve.
6. His love for reading - No joke. Judah averages 3-4 hrs of reading a day. During the week. More on the weekends. He can't get enough words and information! He doesn't read stories, he reads informational texts. Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, Almanacs, Atlases, and textbooks. He devours them! He will sit with an atlas and simply read names of countries and capitals for an hour! He's amazing. BUT, the absolute best part of all that reading? His favorite book, and the vast majority of time he spends reading it: his Bible...s. I think he has 9. And he reads them all. And he retains information from them. He knows the most obscure facts from Scripture! Names, places, happenings, times - it's incredible! I am so in love with the fact that he loves. to. read.
7. His vocabulary - Naturally, a kid who reads 30 hours a week is going to have an impressive vocabulary. It's not just what he says though, but how he says it. He does NOT talk like your typical 10 yr. old. He'll use words and phrasing that a "normal" kid wouldn't, and then deliver them like he's a 40 yr. old dad or something. He's constantly making us and those around him laugh with his choice of words and delivery.
8. His smell - I know that probably sounds weird, but Judah has his own smell, kinda like babies do. I suppose my other kids do, too. Sort of. But Judah's is distinct and very uniquely his. I still love to breather it in when I kiss him while he sleeps. It's really not a sweet smell...and I'm not sure that Jared would even think it's at all a good smell...but I love it. Something about how it speaks to the connection that Judah and I have on a deeper level.
9. His vulnerability - Judah doesn't know how to be "tough" or "macho" or "fake" or anything else but who he is. When he's scared, he acts scared and comes to me like a little boy. When he's hurt, he comes to me with his hurt. When he's mad, well, you know it. He doesn't know how to try to be someone other than who he is. Being vulnerable is a really hard thing in our culture, and it's not something that is generally celebrated. But I celebrate that God created Judah to be vulnerable - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - because it's beautiful and refreshing and freeing and looks like Jesus.
10. His "imperfections" - Here's the thing. Judah is clearly different. While we are all created to be different and unique from one another, we live in a broken, fallen world, and we see some as more different from others. (I can't wait for the day when I see people perfectly like Jesus does!) Judah has "anomalies" and "deformities" and "delays" and blah blah blah. To this day, I see him as nothing but the most beautiful, precious, extraordinary little person covered with the fingerprints of God. And all of those things that make him stand out a little more from the crowd are the things that endear him to me, that make me want to fight for him harder, and that ultimately point me to Jesus. Judah was knit together by the Creator, planned down to the minutest detail, and is intimately known and loved by Him. God doesn't make mistakes. He makes masterpieces that reflect His goodness and His glory. That's what I see when I look at Judah. An original that God made for His own pleasure.
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| He knows how to put together an outfit for a special day. This was "Grandfriends Day" at school. |
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| Snuggling. He loves snuggling. |
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| There are always extra snuggles during Fireworks, because we spend so much time at the tent. |
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| GEEKED! Because he got to pick out his own travel-sized deodorant. That he does not use. |
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| Snuggling the new puppy. See what I mean about that smile? |
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| This picture gets me every time. The morning of his 10th birthday. Annual IHOP breakfast with Grandma and Gramps. New Bible. Classic Smile. |
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| He couldn't contain his excitement over the muffins we made. He literally watched them bake and watched the timer count down. |
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| Snuggling. Lately, Ezra has been his favorite "snuggle buddy". And Ezra is always available. Something that's special about him. |
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| Judah loves to conduct experiments in my kitchen that I do not authorize. |
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| One of his favorite places on the planet is the Omaha Children's Museum. We took him to the one in Lincoln for his birthday. |
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| He loves participating in the Cheer Clinic our hs cheerleaders put on every fall. Doesn't matter that he's the only boy. He loves every minute of it. This year they even got pictures taken. |
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| He likes to play pretend and dress up with Lydia. This year he was an astronaut for Halloween. He wears these pajamas to bed OFTEN. |
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| Geeked about a new dictionary he found at the kid's consignment shop. |
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| Tanner is one of Judah's people that he loves the most. When he comes into view, Judah only has eyes for him. |
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| I love it when he puts his arm around me. And still that smile. |
Monday, January 13, 2020
Charles Tanner and a Reminder of Truth
First things first. For probably 3 years now I've really wanted a mini goldendoodle. A sweet little version of Ollie. For me. When I turned 40 in June, Jared "gave" me a puppy for my birthday. Air quotes, because what I got was a picture of our friends' 2 dogs who were going to be mating, and I was going to get to pick one of their mini goldendoodle puppies. Fast forward 7 months, and make a long story short, and yesterday was finally Puppy Day! We ended up getting my puppy from the breeder that Ollie came from; so Jared, Gramps, Lydia, Judah, Ollie and I all jumped into the suburban and headed to Belleville, KS to get him!
Aaand...
Welcome to the family Charles Tanner Stewart!
Charlie, for short. And Tanner for an extraordinary high school student (probably previously mentioned in this blog) who has loved and impacted Judah immensely over the last 4 years.
We are all IN LOVE! Except Ollie who's trying to figure what to do with this weird little creature who kinda freaks him out. He'll come around. Charlie is the sweetest, most lovable little thing.
Alright, now that that's taken care of...I wanted to get something down here that God impressed on my heart over the weekend. I've been processing like crazy, and re-reading this blog has been incredibly eye-opening and really challenging. I mean, not hard to read per se, but really challenging me to think and consider and realign myself with Christ.
I already made the connection - a HUGE one - that my attitude changed. I stopped asking God to rescue us IN the circumstances, and started asking Him to rescue us FROM them. Big, big difference. And over these last few years that one word difference has led to hurt, anger, disappointment. It's exacerbated my depression and at the same time lulled me into some weird complacency in my realtionship with Jesus. I don't know how to say that any better. I also stopped writing. Writing makes me love Jesus more. It points me to Him. It allows me to grieve, rejoice, question, process in a healthy way. It teaches and reminds me about God as He whispers Truth to my heart while I write. It's an incredibly effective tool that God has given me against the Enemy. And I quit. I became vulnerable. And here I am in a mess of emotions and fall out today. Obviously, this is a complex situation with tons of layers. And life with Judah will always be different in ways; but the bottom line is that I closed up and walked away from Jesus in a lot of ways when it comes to Judah. And God is taking me deep to bring me back. He's so patient. And kind and compassionate. And He never stops pursuing me. Even in these years of anger and hurt and confusion. In the times of silence. When I really thought He left us to fend for ourselves, while He just watched from a distance. I see that He has been there in every moment. The things I believed 10 years ago haven't changed. Not 1 iota. Because my God doesn't change.
Numbers 23:19 ESV
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?
Aaand...
Welcome to the family Charles Tanner Stewart!
We are all IN LOVE! Except Ollie who's trying to figure what to do with this weird little creature who kinda freaks him out. He'll come around. Charlie is the sweetest, most lovable little thing.
Alright, now that that's taken care of...I wanted to get something down here that God impressed on my heart over the weekend. I've been processing like crazy, and re-reading this blog has been incredibly eye-opening and really challenging. I mean, not hard to read per se, but really challenging me to think and consider and realign myself with Christ.
I already made the connection - a HUGE one - that my attitude changed. I stopped asking God to rescue us IN the circumstances, and started asking Him to rescue us FROM them. Big, big difference. And over these last few years that one word difference has led to hurt, anger, disappointment. It's exacerbated my depression and at the same time lulled me into some weird complacency in my realtionship with Jesus. I don't know how to say that any better. I also stopped writing. Writing makes me love Jesus more. It points me to Him. It allows me to grieve, rejoice, question, process in a healthy way. It teaches and reminds me about God as He whispers Truth to my heart while I write. It's an incredibly effective tool that God has given me against the Enemy. And I quit. I became vulnerable. And here I am in a mess of emotions and fall out today. Obviously, this is a complex situation with tons of layers. And life with Judah will always be different in ways; but the bottom line is that I closed up and walked away from Jesus in a lot of ways when it comes to Judah. And God is taking me deep to bring me back. He's so patient. And kind and compassionate. And He never stops pursuing me. Even in these years of anger and hurt and confusion. In the times of silence. When I really thought He left us to fend for ourselves, while He just watched from a distance. I see that He has been there in every moment. The things I believed 10 years ago haven't changed. Not 1 iota. Because my God doesn't change.
Hebrews 13:8 ESV
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
James 1:17 ESV
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?
Psalm 119:89 ESV
Forever, O Lord, your word is firmly fixed in the heavens.
Jeremiah 31:3 ESV
The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Psalm 102:27 ESV
But you are the same, and your years have no end.
Revelation 1:8 ESV
“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.”
Lamentations 3:22 ESV
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
So there's that. All that to say...I was contemplating the "what's next?" in my mind over the weekend. I'm moving forward in this part of the journey. All of this has been good and right, albeit difficult and painful. But what about his upcoming oral procedures and repairs? How will this look when we walk into that first appointment? How do I move forward, and move Judah forward, from here? But God...again...stepped into my thoughts. Completely interrupted them actually, and "What would 30 year old me say?" came to mind. (Envision the light bulb turning on over my head here.) I was so convinced of God's grace given generously and perfectly timed 10 years ago! 30 year old me - new mom of Judah me - would tell me to quit worrying about it! I don't have grace for that yet! I have exactly what I need for today. And tomorrow I'll have what I need for tomorrow. And on appointment day, etc. I'll have the grace I need for that. And, now that I'm thinking about it, can I trust God to give me an overabundant amount of grace that will spill over onto Judah on those tough days ahead? Can I trust Him to give Judah grace directly, in exactly the way that Judah needs it? I'm going to say yes. I still struggle to trust at the moment...but I'm choosing to believe regardless of what I feel or what I've experienced in the past. I believe that God will be enough for me and enough for Judah each day. One. Day. At. A. Time. And I will not borrow trouble for the days that are yet to be. I will choose to believe and be thankful. And joyful.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Grief at 10 Years
As I continue to process the last few years with Judah, how my approach to his illnesses and medical care has changed, how my approach to God and relationship with Him has changed, I realize that I haven't given much thought to grief. At least, not intentionally. Grief is very much a part of our lives, and it still ebbs and flows in the day to day of our "normal". But my relationship with grief is something else that has changed gradually over the years. I wrote this in October of 2009:
I believe it's one of the most effective methods God uses or allows to get our attention, to draw us closer to Himself, and to increase and intensify our desire to be Home with Him. We're supposed to live with an eternal perspective, and hurting in this life definitely serves to make me more acutely aware of that. Grief is a powerful tool that God can and does utilize to deepen intimacy with us; and then bring us to the point where we can more effectively encourage and minister to others because of the grief we've experienced and He's brought us through....eventually. The timing of that will be different for each person, in each situation. So, I've made the conscious decision to continue to embrace the grief that I experience over Judah. As well as any other grief God allows into my life, because I know that as I embrace it, and run to God with it, He will accomplish His good work in me. I will grieve, mourn, and lament as only a believer can, because I know what this world was meant to be, groans for and longs to be, and what this world will someday be. And who I will someday be!
I made a decision to embrace my grief and allow God to use it to shape me for His glory and reach others for Him. Buuut...in the last few years, as Judah has gotten older...as his fear and anxiety have increased...as I've come to believe that Judah has Complex PTSD and what that looks like during different appointments, labs, or tests...he and we have been through some really, really hard things that I can't forget. (I don't know if he remembers specific things or not.) At the time I wrote that, I couldn't have known what things we would experience or the fact that things would actually get harder in some ways as Judah grew up. But having read what I have up to this point, even if I could have had a glimpse into the future, I think I would have made the same choice. I think I still would have reached out to the only One Who could sustain and rescue and comfort.
I imagine that living with the pain of grief and the circumstances we have with Judah is somewhat like living with chronic pain. After awhile, you're just tired of it. You just want it to end. You want a different outcome, or you want to be able to have a different expectation. Some days you can rally yourself and pep talk yourself into a good day; and other days you're not sure you can take another minute, and the discouragement is overwhelming. There are good days and bad. Really good and really bad. Overall, our days are mostly good, thank You, Jesus.
When I reflect over the years of appointments, labs, tests, and procedures I see that as Judah became more aware and fearful of what was going on, I became more anxious and desperate to figure out how to comfort him and protect him from the inevitable. I started guarding my heart and shutting down the part that really feels so I could get him (and me) through the next thing. And, most recently, I have looked for ways to get out of appointments. Once upon a time, I would NEVER miss anything! Now I see myself trying to retreat into a place of "safety" so I don't have to be there when Judah is really anxious, etc. It's easy to use the excuse that he's really too big for me to hold down or still for labs anymore anyway...but the truth is that I don't want to be there to hear it. His voice tears me apart when he's panicked. And now that this is out in the open, I feel incredibly guilty that I would actually choose to stay away, not be there...that I would willfully allow him to go through something without the one person that he is closest to, wants comfort from the most, and is most understood by. (This is absolutely not an indictment of any kind against Jared or his involvement. He's an extraordinary husband and dad.)
I think I'm finding that grieving becomes more complex as the years go by. And the way I choose to deal with it directly impacts my own emotional health, my relationships, and my ability to stay in it with Jude.
Some things stay the same. It's incredible - SO MUCH FUN - to watch Judah on stage for school programs. He absolutely lights up, because he LOVES music and performing! But that moment when I see how different he is from every other kid up there... Still hard. The gap between him and his peers continues to widen in the areas of emotional and social development. How he interacts with the world around him. How he perceives things. Still hard to watch sometimes. Getting dressed, brushing his teeth, taking care of bathroom things - independence is hard for him. Not one thing comes easily or naturally to him. That's hard. It makes me sad. I will always grieve over the things he will forever face medically.
Judah just came over and sat down by me. Real close. I'm writing about grief, and he gives me a giant smile and leans in for a kiss. Then bounces back up and starts whistling for his "puppy". Side note: he recently learned how to whistle, and now whistles almost constantly. He's got about 3 notes. The kids are starting to lose their patience, so of course I remind them of all the "annoying" phases we suffered through with them. Ha! I guess Judah coming over is a "sign" that now is not the time to get too serious about this business. He's healthy right now. He's freaking hilarious. OFTEN. He completely melts my heart with his affection and tenderness for his mama. His smile. Oh my gosh, his smile!
Setting aside my thoughts on grief for today and choosing joy.
I believe it's one of the most effective methods God uses or allows to get our attention, to draw us closer to Himself, and to increase and intensify our desire to be Home with Him. We're supposed to live with an eternal perspective, and hurting in this life definitely serves to make me more acutely aware of that. Grief is a powerful tool that God can and does utilize to deepen intimacy with us; and then bring us to the point where we can more effectively encourage and minister to others because of the grief we've experienced and He's brought us through....eventually. The timing of that will be different for each person, in each situation. So, I've made the conscious decision to continue to embrace the grief that I experience over Judah. As well as any other grief God allows into my life, because I know that as I embrace it, and run to God with it, He will accomplish His good work in me. I will grieve, mourn, and lament as only a believer can, because I know what this world was meant to be, groans for and longs to be, and what this world will someday be. And who I will someday be!
I made a decision to embrace my grief and allow God to use it to shape me for His glory and reach others for Him. Buuut...in the last few years, as Judah has gotten older...as his fear and anxiety have increased...as I've come to believe that Judah has Complex PTSD and what that looks like during different appointments, labs, or tests...he and we have been through some really, really hard things that I can't forget. (I don't know if he remembers specific things or not.) At the time I wrote that, I couldn't have known what things we would experience or the fact that things would actually get harder in some ways as Judah grew up. But having read what I have up to this point, even if I could have had a glimpse into the future, I think I would have made the same choice. I think I still would have reached out to the only One Who could sustain and rescue and comfort.
I imagine that living with the pain of grief and the circumstances we have with Judah is somewhat like living with chronic pain. After awhile, you're just tired of it. You just want it to end. You want a different outcome, or you want to be able to have a different expectation. Some days you can rally yourself and pep talk yourself into a good day; and other days you're not sure you can take another minute, and the discouragement is overwhelming. There are good days and bad. Really good and really bad. Overall, our days are mostly good, thank You, Jesus.
When I reflect over the years of appointments, labs, tests, and procedures I see that as Judah became more aware and fearful of what was going on, I became more anxious and desperate to figure out how to comfort him and protect him from the inevitable. I started guarding my heart and shutting down the part that really feels so I could get him (and me) through the next thing. And, most recently, I have looked for ways to get out of appointments. Once upon a time, I would NEVER miss anything! Now I see myself trying to retreat into a place of "safety" so I don't have to be there when Judah is really anxious, etc. It's easy to use the excuse that he's really too big for me to hold down or still for labs anymore anyway...but the truth is that I don't want to be there to hear it. His voice tears me apart when he's panicked. And now that this is out in the open, I feel incredibly guilty that I would actually choose to stay away, not be there...that I would willfully allow him to go through something without the one person that he is closest to, wants comfort from the most, and is most understood by. (This is absolutely not an indictment of any kind against Jared or his involvement. He's an extraordinary husband and dad.)
I think I'm finding that grieving becomes more complex as the years go by. And the way I choose to deal with it directly impacts my own emotional health, my relationships, and my ability to stay in it with Jude.
Some things stay the same. It's incredible - SO MUCH FUN - to watch Judah on stage for school programs. He absolutely lights up, because he LOVES music and performing! But that moment when I see how different he is from every other kid up there... Still hard. The gap between him and his peers continues to widen in the areas of emotional and social development. How he interacts with the world around him. How he perceives things. Still hard to watch sometimes. Getting dressed, brushing his teeth, taking care of bathroom things - independence is hard for him. Not one thing comes easily or naturally to him. That's hard. It makes me sad. I will always grieve over the things he will forever face medically.
Judah just came over and sat down by me. Real close. I'm writing about grief, and he gives me a giant smile and leans in for a kiss. Then bounces back up and starts whistling for his "puppy". Side note: he recently learned how to whistle, and now whistles almost constantly. He's got about 3 notes. The kids are starting to lose their patience, so of course I remind them of all the "annoying" phases we suffered through with them. Ha! I guess Judah coming over is a "sign" that now is not the time to get too serious about this business. He's healthy right now. He's freaking hilarious. OFTEN. He completely melts my heart with his affection and tenderness for his mama. His smile. Oh my gosh, his smile!
Setting aside my thoughts on grief for today and choosing joy.
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