Day 6

Psalm 56:8 (MSG)
You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book.

Job 42:2 (NASB)
"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted."

Lamentations 3:22-24 (NASB)
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion", says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."

Psalm 34:1, 4, 18 (NASB)
I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
I sought the LORD and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 90:14 (NASB)
O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness, That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Today was the hardest, most complex day I have had with Judah in a very long time. It was a day filled with advocacy, things going wrong, changing plans, confusion, changing variables, pain and sadness, frustration, and a sad hurting little boy. It started this morning with a fruitless hour of trying to place the picc line. I can't even keep all the details and happenings of today straight, there was so much that went on. It was a hard day for Judah and an emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausting day for me. Bottom line is that tomorrow Judah will undergo surgery to have a central line placed (functions the same way as a picc) so that we can go home and continue meds there. He's officially scheduled for 4:00, but the surgeons that are on tomorrow are going to try to get him in earlier. I find it ironic that he has to have surgery so that he can have surgery. We're already only 2 weeks away from the repair. I'm so eager to get it done so that he can finally move beyond all this. But I'm so not ready to bring him back here again.

Today was a day of tears. I haven't had a good cry in awhile, but... I made up for it this afternoon. It was needed. I went out to the rooftop garden on 2nd for some fresh air and privacy. I talked to my cousin on the phone for a few. Refreshing. Spirit-lifting. I was able to tell Jared everything that had gone on up to that point, and find relief in him sharing the burdens with me. Then I had some much needed time with the Lord. I needed Him so badly - quiet, solitude, aloneness with Him. I was hungry for His Word. Today I sensed that something spiritual was happening too. I can't put my finger on it, but there was something, and it was draining. I was so overwhelmed by everything I asked Jared what Scriptures came to his mind right then. He pointed me in the direction of Psalms and Lamentations and God took it from there.

Lamentations 3:22-24. I felt like I needed a new morning right then, because I wasn't sure if His mercies and grace were really going to be enough for the remainder of the day. But to read of His lovingkindness, His compassion, His faithfulness; to remember that He is sufficient and He is my Hope was the beginning of the satisfying of my hunger. I went to Psalm 34 next and froze at verse 1. I felt convicted and saddened by the fact that His praise has been far from my mouth this week; and my prayers have been an ongoing conversation centered on me, Judah, and our circumstances. God is a holy, awesome God who is worthy of my praise and adoration. I know that He is my Abba, Papa that I can come to as a child; but He is also the all-powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, just God - the only One who deserves all praise and glory. I am so not doing justice to what God communicated to my heart at the sight of that. Gr. God delivers me from my fears, He is near to us when we hurt. He. Hears. Me. He cares about every detail. I want Him to satisfy me. I want to be so content in Him, feeling so filled up with Who He is that I experience JOY regardless of any situation. I love what I found in Job. I was looking for something else and happened upon that verse. So straightforward. So simple. God, You can do anything; and Your plans and purposes can never be messed up. I love Psalm 56:8, because it's such a cool picture of God's loving, gentle concern for me. Those words don't even cover it. I mean, does it not just blow your mind that the Creator of the universe cares enough about you to pay attention to your sleep patterns, keep a record of your tears, and journal about every ache?! Seriously?! The God Who can crush entire nations, control the out-of-control weather, and hold the universe in place is like the brand new mother who memorizes every move her infant makes and can't get enough of his smell or the sounds and faces he makes. Only God is so much more in love with us than that, that it's an injustice to try to compare Him to anything!

Spending this time with Jesus, the Lover of my soul, allowed me to take a step back and gain a new perspective on the day and all it's troubles. He didn't "fix" anything, but He did fix me. At least spiritually. I'm still exhausted mentally and emotionally, but His grace was sufficient for today. And He gave me this time here tonight, which is just another place of quiet with Him. A place to reflect on what He did in and for my heart today.

I'm so tired. I don't know what's really going to happen tomorrow. We have a plan, but I don't know what God's plan is. I trust Him. I know He's only good and only right. I know He loves Judah far more than I can even comprehend. I know that He is here and He is in the details. He will go with Judah tomorrow. He can see every detail of Judah's anatomy. Better than that, He's the Designer and Creator of him. Today's troubles have almost passed into yesterday; and God is already in tomorrow waiting to hold our hands and walk us through it.

God. Is. Good.