Thoughts from an Insomniac

OK, so technically I'm not an insomniac; however, I do often have a hard time falling asleep. Hence this late night rendezvous with my computer. I've been thinking about something a lot, and since it was actually keeping me up I decided I'd better just have at it and be done with it. Maybe then I can get some much needed sleep.

I have this sense that people feel sorry for me. Or for us. Like we have it so bad, or things are extraordinarily hard for us because of Judah. Like I'm some kind of special mom with super powers because of what I have to "deal with" every day. Like we live on some different plane from "normal" families. Like the challenges I face day to day are so way harder or more unique than any other mom's. The funny thing is, some of the people (mostly moms) that have said things that make me believe they would fall into this category, are the ones that I admire the most or shake my head in wonder at or pray for the hardest because I can't believe what they have to deal with every day! And when they tell me they "could never do it", I'm thinking the exact same thing about them! So, this is what I have to say about all this.

1). Don't you feel sorry for me, or us. And don't you feel sorry for Judah. I have never been sorry for one second of his life that he is who he is. I grieve over the loss of a "normal", pain-free, healthy, uncomplicated childhood for him; but I do NOT grieve over him! That boy is a gift in the truest sense of the word; and he has taught me more about God's grace, love, and faithfulness than anyone or anything else on the planet! (Except for maybe Jared. Well, and obviously Christ. Anyway...) He is pure joy! And in many ways he's so easy! He's ridiculously happy and carefree, easygoing and easy-laughing. He is beautiful and wonderfully made, simply because he was made by God and for God. He is a constant reminder to me to recognize in every single person the image of God regardless of race, abilities, appearances, or...anything! Judah was created by God for His purpose and His glory; and then He saw fit to graciously allow us to be a part of Judah's journey...which is really all about a journey with Him.

2). Sometimes being Judah's mom is extremely painful, because I love him thoroughly and passionately, and because his life can be painful and difficult. Sometimes it's hard because of the complications of his illnesses, because of the challenges he faces, and because of the time commitments he requires. I do need help sometimes. I want my friends and family to love us by remembering us and praying for us. I want people to ask how we're doing and how they can be praying; and I want them to be genuinely interested in Judah. And if I'm going to be brutally honest (why stop now, right?), then I need to admit that every once in awhile I do want somebody to feel sorry for me. But I really don't think that any of these things make our situation so much more unique than anyone else's. Doesn't every mom want or need these same things? We have it way "easier" than families I see at Children's. We have it way "harder" than families I see everywhere else. But don't the definitions of those two words depend so much on perspective? My point is life is hard no matter who you are. Every family, every person has daily challenges and struggles. Everybody has problems. Everybody experiences suffering and heartache and sorrow and fear and anxiety and uncertainty. Regardless of life circumstances, we all share a commonality of pain.

3). I've learned a lot about God's promise to only give us what we can handle. For starters, "I" can handle a whole lot more than I ever thought possible. But that's really only because I short-changed God and His power in my life. His amazing, beyond comprehension, life-changing, life-giving power! He's really the One "dealing with" my day to day. Well, as long as I surrender and let Him. I've also come to more fully appreciate God's power in others' lives as they face challenges and overwhelming life circumstances that I think I could never handle! The awesome truth though, is that God has uniquely equipped every single believer to follow Him in the life that He has called them to! Whatever that life might entail! No matter what, whether it feels like it or not, even if it seems like you might never be able to stand up under the burden of it - "you" can! Because God alone is carrying you, and has given you every mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual tool that you could possibly need to follow Him and LIVE. WITH. JOY!

I wish I could live in that truth every moment of every day. I just get overwhelmed and discouraged so easily sometimes.

So... Don't put me on a pedestal. Don't not share prayer requests with me, because you think I already have so much on my plate. Share your burdens with me, and I'll share mine. I'll pray for you, and I'll thank God for you. We need to do life together, helping one another, extending love and grace in every kind of situation.

And now that I've gone into tomorrow with these thoughts, I'd best sign off and climb back into bed. I think if I cuddle up to Jared I can sleep now. Good night.