Deliverance

I've been learning something lately. A lesson that God has brought to my attention through a dear friend's blog and a Ted Dekker book. I thought that I was just unable to get to the computer to write about Judah's birthday and reminisce about the last year. After some thoughtful, and somewhat uncomfortable, self-evaluation I realized that I was purposely avoiding that post. Honestly, I don't want to remember. Who enjoys reliving the most painful and excruciating parts of their past? Who wants to live through those dark days again? What good can possibly come from purposely remembering the worst times of your life, and allowing yourself to feel that gut-wrenching pain all over again? I didn't want to go back to the NICU. I didn't want to sit here at the computer sobbing and grieving again like it was just yesterday. But this is where God stepped in and showed me Himself and part of His purpose in revisiting the past. (Thanks for your honest posts, Lindsey; and thanks to Ted Dekker's phenomenal writing.) If I choose to forget (or try to) the pain of the past, then I am also choosing to forget the deliverance. There is tremendous deliverance brought about by our Rescuer, but how can I continually appreciate and embrace that if I'm not willing to embrace the pain and darkness that He delivered me from?! In the Old Testament God was always having the Israelites build altars. Why? To remember. What? Their deliverance. They literally built memorials to remember how God delivered them from darkness! Now that I think about it, the whole Jewish faith revolves around remembering! I also realized that unless I allow myself to remember and keep those days and feelings fresh, I can't totally and effectively minister to other families who are experiencing the pain and uncertainty of a sick child. If I allow myself to walk back down that road then I can weep with these families and uniquely pray for them...even if they're total strangers.

So, as difficult as it will be, I'm actually now looking forward to being able to sit down and write that birthday post. I don't look forward to the tears or the renewed feelings of sorrow and agony I felt a year ago; but I do eagerly anticipate what God will reveal to me about Himself, and I'm excited to relive His deliverance!