From the Fourth Floor

I was not prepared for this part. This has been the hardest 2 hours I've spent with Judah since he's been home from the NICU. We waited for him outside of recovery right by the elevators so that we could all come up to his room together. The instant they opened the doors and we saw his bed, I saw his little feet kicking under the blanket. My heart fluttered and I was so happy to know that he was awake and ok. Then the nurse said he was mad. They wheeled him to us and he looked awful. His face was all puffy, dried blood on his lips. And he was crying and agitated. Only, because of that gauze pack in his mouth (which I believe is of the devil) he can't really cry. And he had been intubated, so his throat is scratchy. He cries with this sad, pathetic squeaky moan. My heart broke in that instant that I saw him and processed all of this. Since then he's spent most of the last 2 hours crying. He keeps kicking his legs, trying to move his arms in the elbow restraints, and shaking his head back and forth. It's just sad and so painful to watch him suffer. As soon as they transferred him to his bed I crawled in and laid down with him. And as soon as the nurses left I finally gave way to my tears. I lay there next to him, holding him, crying for him. I'm getting emotional again. I don't remember ever seeing him this agitated. His nurse talked to the plastic surgeon about giving him morphine for pain, but we have to wait a little longer for the anesthesia to wear off some more. In recovery his sats fell at one point and they were concerned about his airway and breathing. (Plus this gauze pack from Hades complicates things.) The narcotic could cause him to have problems breathing again until the anesthesia is mostly or completely worn off. So we wait. In the meantime they gave him Tylenol with codeine through his nifty new tube, and that seems to have helped somewhat. The funny thing is, the biggest help has been this silly little musical toy that I brought from home. It only plays 3 songs, but it's the one that Lydia has held right in front of his face numerous times, and we've used it in therapy a lot. So, I think that piece of familiarity is the most comforting thing to him right now. That and Mommy caressing his cheek and his chin; kissing him and snuggling. Every few minutes he's restless again, but the music helps. I'm hoping that morphine will be a part of the picture later so that he can get some solid rest. His nurse also said most kids are really happy & do much better once the gauze is gone. My prayer is that the dr. will cut it out (it's stitched in there) somewhere around the 24 hr. mark in that 24-48 hr. time frame that he gave us. *sigh* This is hard. Jared just left to go home. The boys get to go on the annual "back-to-school shopping date" with their Mrs. Hagen this afternoon, and we didn't want to make them wait any longer...since they've been talking about it all summer! But now I'm here with Judah alone. It's a good time to get out my little pink Bible and spend some time with my Rescuer, Judah's Creator. Tonight reinforcements come in the form of my best friend and Chinese take-out:) I know this will be over soon. In a day things will look different and Judah will most likely be improving already. And the 3 weeks will go by quickly - please, Lord! - but this part right now just sucks. This is when I would like to take out my magic wand and trade places with my baby. I would gladly bear any burden, any pain, any suffering in my son's place. Oh wow, what a picture of Christ's love for me. His heart, His passion for me. For Judah. I'm overwhelmed at this moment by the reality of what He did for me at the Cross, and the burden He bears for me when I come to Him with my pain. He will carry us through. He sees Judah right now, and His hand is on him. He holds my tears for my son and He grieves with me. He is compassionate. He is my Comforter. He is Judah's Comforter, Healer. Yes, we'll get through this. One grace-filled moment at a time.